Pregnant BPD wife struggling with life

[StillNewToThis]

I met my wife just under five years ago and I've been married for just under two. She told me about her depression and anxiety fairly early on, but as I hadn't seen it, I ignored it somewhat. Then in the lead up to our wedding, I could tell she was getting very irritable, but I put that down to the pressures of wedding planning and thought that it would go away once the wedding had passed. Unfortunately that wasn't the case at all, things progressively got worse, up to a point where my wife had a breakdown and couldn't leave the bed. She had gone off her meds (SSRI) by then, because she was convinced that they weren't really doing anything.

After that low, she had to quit work, we changed her medication and things were looking slightly up, but they actually got worse. In the second half of last year, she started engaging in self destructive behaviour. Her mother and I got her into a clinic after things got really bad and at first if anything, things got worse while in the clinic. Nevertheless, after the clinic, she seemed to be doing better and was able to go back to work four days a week in a less demanding role.

As her greatest ever wish has always been having children, and it's what I want as well, we started trying and early this year she conceived.

Unfortunately since then, she seems to be getting worse again. I can tell that she's very unhappy and the amount of work that she's missing is on the rise again. I also feel that at least 80% of her communication is her complaining about something and she's never ever satisfied with how things are.

I'm trying to support her the best I can, but it's incredibly hard when she's dismissive of everything I do and actually complaining about me a lot.

To top it off, I had a hard arrhythmia and had to be shocked back into a normal rhythm earlier this week and I'm not even 35. I don't know if this has anything to do with the stress of looking after my wife, but I guess it's certainly not helping. So I feel like I've got things to worry about on all fronts right now (work isn't great currently either).

She's on a low dose of SSRIs, seeing her psychologist weekly and attending a DBT program, but all of this doesn't seem to be helping much.

Any advice on what I could do to support her better? I'm getting worried about what happens when this child gets here. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome? Any advice on the outlook of BPD?

[Just Sara]

Good morning SNTT and welcome to our caring community;

I really feel for you and your situation. There's so much going on, it's no wonder you feel at a loss as to where to turn. A new marriage has its own challenges without the added pressure of Mental Illness.

There seems to be 2 issues here; the one with your new wife, and the need for personal support for you.

Firstly, I'm assuming [she's] not been diagnosed with BPD? Only a psychiatrist can diagnose such disorders, so maybe you both could speak to her GP about a referral. The issue of pregnancy and Mental Illness is something we read about on here at times, so please don't think you're in an isolated situation ok.

Below in the links, there's a section on 'Pregnancy and early parenthood' as well as 'Supporting someone with depression and anxiety'. We also have a thread called; 'This Bipolar Life' started by one of our Community Champions; Kazzl. Even if your wife hasn't been diagnosed, the info and support on there could be valuable.

Another very good organisation is the 'Black Dog Institute'. On their website you'll find lots of info, especially about BPD and pregnancy, and all subjects relating to MH. They're highly regarded as information specialists and successful in-house program's.

Now for you; telling your story on here is a great start. BB Forum has a wonderful reputation for supporting people while they're going thru difficult and distressing situations, so you're welcome anytime to use this service to help 'you'. We're here to support and encourage, so purge as much as you want, chat with others in similar situations or cruise the site for some light hearted banter to take a load off.

Lifeline (131411) and BeyondBlue (1300224636) both provide quality phone counseling too 24/7. I've used these services many times to discuss my challenges and feelings.

I wish you well and hope I've helped to put you in the right direction to ease your worry.

Warm thoughts...

Sara

[StillNewToThis]

Thanks for your reply Sara.

She has actually been diagnosed with BPD, though I thought it was a psychologist not her psychiatrist, from memory, though the psychiatrist seemed to agree with it. It was when she was staying at the mental health clinic.
Her regular psychologist said that she doesn't disagree with it, but that she generally finds it unhelpful to put labels on something.

Thanks also for your suggestions, I guess I'll do some more reading.

Fortunately, in the last couple of days, she has actually been a bit better. Let's hope this continues at least for a little while.

[Just Sara]

Welcome back SNTT;

I'm sorry if my last post seemed a bit clinical; the first reply focuses mainly on directing people to professional personnel and information.

In your case, the info you provided was good but quite broad. My inference your wife wasn't diagnosed was a result of how I read your post, so I apologise. Her therapist must be a clinical psychologist.

As we're not professionals, any advice we give is from personal experience with MI and knowledge learned thru connecting with others in similar situations.

There's so much going on in your life; narrowing down response options for me has been difficult. I don't want to sound generic in my reply again, so could I ask you to be specific with what you want from the forum? If it's how to support your wife with coping strategies for instance, that would be a good start.

As your wife's pregnant, it calls for specialist opinions and advice, much more than most on here can deal with. We do have Dr Kim who takes questions from members periodically. Her thread can be found in the Treatment Options section of the forum.

I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes, especially after having heart problems yourself. I really hope the Black Dog Institute will be fruitful in your quest for specific information.

For me personally, I helped myself thru self education re brain activity and connections with the body. I also identified triggers that caused anxiety/panic to rise. Some of those triggers were as simple as too much coffee. Others include past traumatic memories and biological/psychological responses to fear. Once these were uncovered, my recovery accelerated.

Please stay in touch; you never know, we could end up being an extra source of support for you personally.

Best of luck...

Sara

[Guest_989]

Hey mate!!

I have BPD so can give advice on what your wife is feeling and going through

Typically the irratibility is caused by her not being able to process/release the emotion (whatever) it is that's upsetting her

Best advice is to listen to her when she complains as the real cause of the anger is hidden in there somewhere (where there's smoke, there's fire)

If she becomes agitated in a conversation with you, disengage and tell her you'll discuss it with her when she's calm and ready to talk. A person with BPD will not be able to rationally respond in the heat of emotion. Give her time to process and then let her come and talk about it

I suggest you read the books "walking on egg shells" and "love me, don't leave me"

They give great inside into how her mind and thought processes work when it comes to emotions as it is different to yours

Happy to chat whenever mate

[StillNewToThis]

Thanks very much for your reply.

Ha, "Walking on egg shells"! Very appropriate name, as I feel that's what I'm doing every single day that I'm with her.
She gets annoyed with me if she eats too much and says that I should have said something (weight is a massive issue for her even though she's not overweight at all) and on the rare occasion when I do something, she goes off at me.

I feel I jinxed myself a bit with saying that she has been better, as she's been extremely down since I last posted.

I just hate feeling so completely unable to help her, I know that she'd be much worse without me, but that doesn't always provide comfort, when I can see how much she's suffering.

There's also a lot of ranting and raving and speaking in quite an aggressive tone and while I try not to get offended by it, it's hard to rationalise that it's not really directed at me.

One thing that is also a little bit difficult for me is that I'm naturally quite introverted. Not in a way that I'm afraid of talking to people or anything like that, but I find it tiring being around other people and engaging with them for hours on end. She on the other hand is a strong extrovert and likes to communicate for much of the day.

I used to hate it that her mother lives under 1km from our house, but now I couldn't be happier about it! Right now she's over at her house, which is good as it gives me some time to recharge my batteries and be more helpful when she returns.

Do you mind if I ask you how you're going with your BPD (you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to)?
I have read that in some cases BPD is reasonably well manageable, so I hope that's the case for you now and will be for my wife at some stage.

To be honest, I'm a bit scared about the baby coming. People say that it's really hard and that's without BPD! Luckily she really loves children, so I'm hoping that it will lift her spirits. Otherwise it's going to be a rough ride!

[Just Sara]

What a great post SNTT!

The way you've expressed yourself is wonderful. I'm also very relieved Azbox replied with such a relevant and sensitive response and so glad it was helpful. (btw...shout-out and welcome Azbox! Great advice and info. We don't have many on here with quality insight on BPD. Really happy you've become a member. Stay with us...please.)

Sometimes all we need is to purge. I'm sorry I couldn't have been more help. I wish you well with coping and learning. I also want to congratulate you on the upcoming birth of your baby. Nothing like a little one to warm our hearts and minds.

Sincerely;

Sara

[james1]

Hey SNTT,

I have BPD as well so I thought I'd just answer your last question 🙂

BPD is certainly something which is manageable and there is really only one thing that is needed: really really good communication. And to be completely honest, the majority of the communication struggles will be from her front.

The outbursts that you see are just a culmination of a loooot of thoughts and rumination. She needs to get that out more often and in a way that is not aggressive. But, it's really hard.

BPD is different for each person but my biggest thing is a fear of abandonment. If I ever do get back into a relationship, I will need to learn how to express the fact that every time someone leaves the house, I don't know if they're coming back or if they'll just leave me alone.

So for a BPD sufferer, good communication can actually be really embarrassing. I feel embarrassed to ask my friends, every time they say they need to go, whether they like me. I'm also afraid that they'll say no.

But clearly, if we can express our concerns and be reassured, it'll avoid the "I'll leave you before you leave me" trap we fall into.

So I'd say it's really important that you two have a really good chat about what it is she needs from you. And this may need to be done repeatedly because we can often forget that others really did mean it when they said they care.

Anyway, I hope that's of some help or at least reassurance. I'm still here posting along, so therapy must be doing something right 🙂

James

[Guest_989]

I believe there's two types of people with BPD, those who like me have accepted that we have this and have started to retrain the way they process emotion/reactions.

The other type are the ones that label themselves as having this incurable disorder in which everything is the fault of BPD. They take no ownership in their actions and seem to wallow in depression.

Im not sure which you'd describe your wife as.

I have two children aged 4 and 18 months and taking care and loving them has never been issue. You might actually find it has a positive affect on her.

As borderlines suffer fears of abandonment knowing that is her child will probably comfort her. The routine of feeding, nursing etc will keep her mind occupied (less time to think )

I certainly wouldn't worry about her being worse, that's just a negative thought due to your current situation

I was diagnosed, and two weeks later was hospitalised for harming myself.

I then started reading all the books, and studies I could on the causes, management and coping tools.

Its been 4 months now since reaching my lowest point, I haven't done since reading the first book.

Ive learnt to control my anger, and have learnt what my triggers are, I now know what to avoid, and how to stop myself from escalating my poor behaviours

Ive also returned to work full time and coping well with it

I would be angry, agitated, self medicate, have abandonment issues, recklessly drive, unprotected sex, demonstrative views of myself, rapid weight losses, violence towards others, thoughts of harm, lots of short intense romantic relationships...pretty much the poster boy with all the traits

I think the best advice I can give you is too identify the traits she has, the triggers of each, and then learn how to control the response of those triggers before they occur

I believe it's 100% possible to treat this disorder if your willing to accept that how you react emotionally is incorrect

I have learnt to control all but my abandonment issues, which is why I've stopped dating until I have those tools

Find a good psychologist that specialises in BPD, as someone not trained can make it worse

Congrats on the little one coming hope all goes well