Help me to help my depressed wife.

[Exhausted]

A bit of background, been married to my wife for 5 years, been together 12 years, were 29 years old. Two wonderful kids, 3 and 1. 

She has been seeing a psychologist and GP for depression and high levels of anxiety for the last 8 months but I feel like we didn't understand for 18 months before that that we needed help. 

She works two days a week now after dropping from 5, extremely thankful we have income protection, I work 5 days usually afternoons and look after the kids in the morning.  With support from family she only has to have both kids together one day a week. She struggles to keep her emotions and anxiety under control with both kids at the same time.

I don't see myself as someone who runs, and have committed to helping her feel better about herself and us learning to stay in control as much as possible. 

My wife is not abusive, manipulative and has not shown any signs to say she blames me for anything of what is happening. What she does do is what I call "leaving us." She is physically here with us but she doesn't respond when we talk to her, she forgets the simplest of tasks, seems constantly distracted and distant. This is the time I find hardest, I feel anxious about leaving the kids with her while I work, I feel like everything I do goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Sex is nonexistent during this time and any other time it seems like Its a chore.

I find the easiest way to stay in control of my emotions during this time seems to be to not expect anything from her, which whilst working full time and two kids becomes totally exhausting for me. When she "returns" from one of these states of mind it's extremely hard to pick back up where we left off before she "left us." I expect her to realise what's happened and at very least acknowledge it, I find it hard to continue to offer my full support without feeling her love for me.

this cycle happens every 10-14 days and lasts 3-5 days, and after 8 months I'm exhausted all the time, I've lost most of my friends, stopped going to the gym, and don't enjoy the hobbies I used to. I'm not sure what I'm expecting or asking for from writing this but just want to know how to keep being supportive, it know will get better eventually but it's so hard to keep it up.

how do you keep telling yourself to keep going?

Sincerely, 

Exhausted.

[Queenie]

Hi Exhausted

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I have been married for about 20 years, and my husband was diagnosed with severe chronic depression almost ten years ago. We recently got to the point that we just couldn't go on anymore and we are currently separated but working on our marriage.  My advice to you is look after yourself.  As hard as it sounds, and as selfish, I know first hand that if you are not well and happy and in a good frame of mind yourself, there is no way you can offer your wife the support she needs.  Believe me I know exactly what it feels like to be unloved, unwanted and taken for granted - and even though the person we love doesn't mean it, it's really hard to deal with.  Please see your GP and get advice for you.  I hope this helps a little.  I am in no position to offer you anything other than this.  Kindest regards, Queenie

[AGrace]

Hey Exhausted,

I've mentioned in posts before that caring for a loved one with a mental illness is probably one of the toughest jobs in the world. I am also too aware that our carers often don't get the appreciation that they deserve. So I wanted to start by saying thank you. It takes an angel to do what you're doing, and your wife is really blessed to have you.

I know the battles my partner has faced over the past few years. He has seen the worst of me and like you he continues to be supportive on a daily basis.

You mentioned that your wife has been seeing a Psychologist for some time now. Does she share with you how she is progressing with this? Would she be open to perhaps doing some joint sessions with you? It can be really helpful if you are both involved in her care. I know my partner has access to my Psychiatrist if he needs it, It could put you at ease if you had some regular updates as to how she is going, what's working for her, what she needs from you. So I'd definitely suggest you talk with her about this. In addition to Psychological care is your wife also taking medication to assist with her symptoms? As a Psychologist doesn't deal with medication it might be worthwhile her taking a trip back to her GP to review her progress. These will be some difficult conversations to have so do tread gently, and remind her that you love her and want only the best for her.

From what you have mentioned about your wife "leaving us" I'm wondering whether she is having dissociative episodes. These are common and sadly the person has no idea that they've ventured off and doesn't really understand what they've missed when they "come back to us". You could try asking her whether she has discussed these with her Psychologist and if she has some strategies to help with them. Find out too if there is anything you can be doing to help her with this. 

It's really difficult when you have a patient/carer hat on to find the space to also put your husband/wife hats on. Intimacy in my relationship took a hit. This is where communication is key. Rather than looking at the act of intercourse, find other ways to rebuild intimacy. Perhaps run her a bath, offer her a massage, hold hands while you're watching tv, cuddle while you're in bed without the expectation of sex. You need to start by discovering each other again before sex.  

I hope that this has been helpful. Happy to chat further, and hear your thoughts.

AGrace

[AGrace]

Hi Exhausted,

Not sure if you are still around. I was just wondering how your wife is going? Was any of the support here useful for you?

There are a number of others here that are supporting loved ones with mental illnesses, you may wish to join the discussions in the following threads:

My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.

How to deal with a depressed partner?

Supporting a family member with Depression & Anxiety

You can simply enter these headings into the search function at the top right of the screen. Sometimes it's even easier to chat with someone who is going through a similar situation. This way you can gain some knowledge and support from other people in carer roles.

I hope you will get back to us.

AGrace

[Exhausted]

Wow, I thought I was exhausted before.

my son will be 4 soon, 4!! we have 4+ years of living with my wife, his mother, fighting depression.

not even sure if this will be read or just be added to a thread from 2 years ago, writing it out helps though so here goes.

After all this time, I'm very close to calling it quits. My wife, now 30, had a bad episode a few weeks ago. It was from a build up of pressures from work, home, family. I took time off work again and we got emergency care, home visits from psychologist, to help cope and offer advice. My wife went onto more medication. Loads of sleep then followed which was a godsend, we slowed right down and spent some good quality time together.

Everything was back on track, albeit a wonky slow track, just as she let slip that she had been self harming. "Oh sorry, I thought I told you" she said. Like that's something I'd forget! Wow, did my mind flip out. A thousand questions flew through my mind, where were my children when this was happening??

After having an in depth discussion, I asked why she didn't follow her plan after I had mentioned multiple times that I thought she was struggling. "What plan?" Was her response....

After all this time, multiple different psychologists/psychiatrists there was no plan to deal with when she was struggling. Am I stupid or ignorant for having trusted that she wouldn't lie to me about having a worst case scenario plan, or any plan written down that she could refer to?

I read forums, articles, and learnt everything I could about this horrible place she was in. I made sure I was strong enough to offer long term support, I gave her time and space to practice and learn and become stronger again, re-enforced positive behaviours. I let her lead her own recovery...which was our downfall.

She is currently in an "okay" place mentally. Everything I've lead to believe has been questioned and I've very regretfully removed myself from her support group, I've asked her to move out from our bedroom and I'm struggling to have a conversation at all with her. I'm hoping this will be a wake up call and she will find true support which will not be leaning on me as her crutch so heavily. I cannot enable her behaviour anymore. She is mildly upset with our current situation but still refuses to seek real help or address the situation with the gravity it deserves. I cannot do this anymore.

My kids and I MUST come first, I dread what this means for my beautiful wife.

[StillNewToThis]

Sorry to hear that things aren't improving for you and your family.

I must say that I can see a lot of parallels to my own situation. It's a bit of a cycle of hope, disappointment and despair.

It's incredibly hard to be in my position without any children, so I can only imagine what it'd be like in your case!

It sounds like you're doing everything right and doing as much as you possibly can.

I can certainly relate to feeling like you're at the end of your tether and feeling like you just can't go on with this.
Sometimes I just want to shake my wife and tell her to snap out of it, because part of me still doesn't get it and much of her problems seem to be her own making.

Sorry for talking about me more than you and your situation, it's just that I don't really have any helpful advice to give you, I can just tell you that I totally understand where you're coming from.
And reading your last sentence, I must say that I personally won't judge you whatever decision you make with this situation.

Best of luck with it, I hope somehow things improve somewhat in some way. I know it's extremely vague, but that's the best I can offer.

[geoff]

hello Exhausted, and sorry it's been a few days for a reply albeit from SNTT, but it's a concerning situation you are now in, with trust from your wife falling away and not telling you something that she should have, but sometimes people who do self harm don't want anyone to know because their reaction isn't what they want as they could be ashamed of telling them why, and with your wife there are problems which you don't know about.
For a psych to make a plan for her is not as easy as telling her to do this or do that when she feels at her worst, simply because she may not have any retention, and even if she is told to write down how she feels on a scale 1 to 10, there could no desire to do so, so a plan would be told to her when she was at that stage where was able to do so.
I know this would frustrate you as you think that nothing is happening and wonder what the psych is actually doing with her.
That's exactly what my (ex) wife always thought, that I wasn't getting the help I needed.
For you to let her lead her own recovery is a mistake, because it lets her do what ever she wants to do or not do, but sometimes that's no different than 'walking on the spot', she controls everything rather than someone looking after her, take her to appointments or make sure that an appointment has been made, try and eat well, maybe with some exercise, but if she doesn't want to do any of this then it's not done, however she is in denial and won't seek extra belp.
It's always said that a person has to look after themselves and at the moment this involves you and the children.
You can't keep trying to get her to do something if she has dug her heals in. Geoff.

[Exhausted]

I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I however did not find it helpful, I do understand how difficult it must be to offer a helpful response to a situation that needs to be limited to 2500 characters.

Generic ideas and theories that I have heard, adhered to, and given up on are simply not enough. There is no 'one' fix for everyone. If in fact the system available to help my wife is limited or guided by these ideas then there is no wonder the rate of depression and anxiety is so high.

If there is such little retention of information then all the more reason to have a plan written down, if not for the patient, but for the support crew surrounding her. Simple steps to follow.

If a professional doesn't advise telling your supportive husband of 15+ years what you are actually doing to yourself, shouldn't that ring alarm bells?

Or how about trying to teach? Teach them to be able to say 'No.' Teach them to manage their surroundings and recognise situations they cannot handle. Teach them to lean on support when they need but stand straight when they can. She cannot change her thought patterns when being bombarded with situations she cannot avoid or handle.

A person suffering from anxiety and depression, supported by friends and family not limited to access the available resources is being failed by the professionals there to help.

Call it ignorance if you like. Overworked, understaffed, unqualified, whatever the excuse the system has not offered the support needed to help this particular family. I hope others find more luck.

I'd like to make it crystal clear that I have no intention of attacking you personally, and I apologise if it comes across that way.

[Exhausted]

Thanks for your response.

It's sad that this is happening to many people but comforting to know that you're not alone in this. Never stop talking about your situation, speak up and make sure you are heard!!

Keep pushing and working together, the biggest piece of advice I can offer is to realise that this situation is changing you both. Embrace the people that you're becoming whilst fighting this, do not expect your lives to go back to the "old" days. Enjoy who you are now! Look forward to who you are becoming! I'm not sure that comes across how I meant it, hopefully you'll understand.

Youre comment of being non judgemental means a lot, even brought tears. For that I thank you.

best of luck, post here if you ever need.

[Ezza]

No doubt why you're exhausted. It's a hard job being a parent. It's harder being a single-parent. It's a hard job being a mental health carer. You have a trifecta.

Just a personal view, but it seems there are two key questions only you will know the answer to:

- will I be a better parent with or without my partner in the same household?

- will my kids be healthier and happier living with or separate to their Mum?

There are support systems you can put in place for her if you're not there.

At a complete guess you'd be more settled and a happier parent in your own single household. But then the second question, keep your kids in the same household with their Mum but unhapppy Dad, share custody or will they'll be better nurtured in separate households with a happy Dad at one and disassociative Mum at the other?

Tough, tough questions. Like I said only you can answer.

I personally have chosen to hang in there 10+ years because what I get from her is stronger than what she takes. That doesn't mean I don't think of leaving every now and then because I'm exhausted and sick of it all.

We're only human.