Unable to help wife suffering PTSD and depression/anxiety

[MW86]

Hi,

My wife is really struggling with depression and anxiety, bought on by a traumatic birth and post birth experience.

My wife is very stressed as she has started a new job, and is now working full time hours again after 6 months off and 6 months 2 days working, she is studying to further her career, and living in a mostly, but not fully, renovated house. She feels disorganised due to the renovation mess, and has low self esteem from the birth and breastfeeding problems, as well as from the weight gain after childbirth. She went through a program and has lost 16kg and is now back to her pre baby weight, which is amazing. But still doesnt feel right. She punishes herself for the odd occasion where she doesnt eat 'correctly'. She will not go and see professional help. And the mere suggestion of that causes arguments.

Now the big issue. Im doing what I can to support her, however im a practical person. I try to fix problems. She stresses over something, and I fix it. most recent it was not having blinds in the living area of the house yet. I installed blinds. Its not enough. So she withdraws to her mothers group via the internet. There are nights where we barely talk because she is on her phone chatting away flat out with other people, just not me. She gets offended when i tell her to put her phone down. She tells me she isnt attracted to me anymore, and that intamacy is 'too hard' but complains that there isnt enough of it. Most of the problems seem to stem from errors ive made, or things i havent got to yet. When these are bought up, they are done so in what i see as an aggressive way. Which makes me defensive and causes arguments. I cant seem to do anything right. Im by no means perfect, and we argue because I have a hot head on occasion and refuse to continue to take what I see as unnecessary abuse. So there are most definitely times when I am less than helpful.

I am struggling to give her the emotional support she needs while looking after myself and our young daughter. I need help in the best way to provide emotional support to her as its not something I am good at and what im currently doing isnt working. I am trying to keep a cool calm head, but feel that a lot of the time her anger is directed at me, and that its unneccesary. Im struggling to deal with that, and its making me feel more and more like I am no good, and im doing the wrong things, etc. Its starting to bring me down and that makes it harder again to support her.

[white knight]

Hi mw, welcome

It sounds like a vicious circle.

I cant judge a situation like this. Her admission she isnt attracted to you anymore and those intimacy issues is heavy problems. Your admissoon if being a "hot head", doesnt help.

I strongly suggest seeking out a marriage counselor.

Relationships Australia could help.

Tony WK

[Dr_Kim]

Hi there - Every marriage presents unique challenges at various times. However , It's great that at this time you are

1. Acknowledging that you have some responsibility in the bad relationship habits that have developed between you
2. acknowledging that she may be struggling with PND.(Post Natal Depression)
3. That you are asking for help.

I would suggest that you work out how to get close to her by really seeking to understand and listen to her.

Start by getting more information about PND from PaNDA http://www.panda.org.au/

You might then contact Relationships Australia to discuss coming to see them for couples counseling- maybe even initially on your own if she won't go.

Speak to your GP about a referral to a counselor to support you in how to manage your temper as although it's understandable to get frustrated, displays of aggression or anger will be counter productive to increasing intimacy.

You must be a really devoted husband and father and it sounds like you are trying super hard to make your family work out . It's the best investment in time and energy you will ever make !