I love my daughter but I dont like her or her behaviour - struggling with our relationship

Caty63 · ‎22-03-2017

My 18 yr old daughter has anxiety, depression, ADHD, ? BPD & is in a youth psychiatric hospital after suicidal thoughts, her 2nd admission in six months. 6 weeks ago my daughter physically assaulted me (not for the first time) quite badly in front of her 13 yr old sister (who was also attacked). Since then I have moved out of the family home, taking my 13yr old with me.

My problem is that I am struggling to like my daughter again, she is in hospital at the moment and has not expressed the slightest insight or remorse into physically attacking me, the fact that she has put the family under enormous financial strain or the fact that the family unit has completely dissolved at her doing.

I understand she has mental health issues, has had for quite a long time but I cannot get over the feeling of bitterness, anger and resentment. We have done nothing but support her and tried to get her help taking her to doctors, psychologists etc. for many many years. She is self destructive, throwing away her studies and work opportunities and just doesn't seem to know what the consequences of her actions are.

How do I repair my relationship with her, at the moment I have almost no contact with her other than erratic text messages when she wants something.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

white knight · ‎22-03-2017

Hi caty, welcome

Its tough isnt it?. Some of us know the feeling of the stress involved.

Look, firstly, I dont blame yourself. Some parenting does not result in the ideal behaviour in our children. Her complex mental illnesses wouldnt help either.

You might need to build up a defence. Ok, she will not comprehend the efforts you have made for her so you might as well stop expecting her to appreciate you

Secondly due to her issues the last thing I'd expect from her is her to keep up with her studies.

Her work opportunities are similar. She is ill. She is incapable of doing things others her age are doing. She is an individual and must be be treated not like the common18yo.

So thats what not to do, what about what to do?

Praise her subtley for any achievement. Find out or pursue her hobbies or interests.

Above all, protect your younger daughter and yourself.

As for liking her...you're human. My daughter is 24yo and we have recently parted after 10 years of up and down relationship. Each time we paryed ways I grieved not this time. Because she is cruel unforgiving and manipulative...not my kind of person.

Being a parent has its limits. We promise ourselves unconditional love for our kids. That is unrealistic.

Somehow you and your other daughter need space. When she is discharged, be firm, really firm. You have a right to a relaxed life.

Hope that helps.

Tony WK

Lorijane · ‎25-03-2017

I don't know that I have any suggestions for you but wanted you to know that I completely understand.

My 15yo daughter has extreme social anxiety with suicidal thoughts and psychotic hallucinations. She refuses meds but won't do anything to try to help herself. just complains constantly or yells at me. I'm by myself with her and I really don't like her.

Anyway just wanted you to know you're not alone

geoff · ‎26-03-2017

hi Caty, this is a situation you would have never expected, and as Tony has said 'she will not comprehend the efforts you have made for her so you might as well stop expecting her to appreciate you', how true this is, but it's not going to appease you in any way, because you do want to help her, but at the moment it doesn't seem to be possible.
She is in a state where she needs extreme therapy as well as medication, but you aren't able to help her while she's in this frame of mind, because she will need to see psychiatrist/s and continual help for a long time.
Of course parents want to see their kids often, hoping that there are no problems keeping them apart, unfortunately this doesn't always happen, they grow up or can get involved in a group of friends which you had hoped they wouldn't.
She has major mental issues here and when she assaults you may not be because she hates you, but it's this illness making her do so, but that is very hard to comprehend, you believes that all she wants to do is hurt you.
Just praise her when she is acting in a normal manner, but be wary that she could quite easily change and start abusing you, it's an illness that is so unpredictable as it can change at the drop of a hat, so keep your distance, and is it that you have to accept her as she is or is it the other way around.
Remember if you have a child who is into drugs you can't keep giving them money to feed their addiction, likewise with your daughter you mustn't feed her when she asks for something in an abusive way, again you are then feeding her illness. Geoff. x

Sumo · ‎29-03-2017

Hi Caty, I can't offer you advise but I can completely sympathize, my daughter is 32 and we have been trying to cope with her mental health issues since she was 14. She refuses to seek help or treatment although it is destroying her life and relationship with her own daughters. I have always born the brunt of her anger and blame as everything gets twisted to be my fault, but have always tried to support her and have made many excuses for her over the years. Her sisters refuse to have anything to do with her and my husband has minimal contact so I have been trying to cope on my own, I am at the point now of walking away for my own mental health, I care about my daughter as do you but it is important to look after yourself too. Perhaps support her from a distance for a while, maintain contact and let her know you care. Good luck i hope you can work thing out.