Concerned wife

TTMAB · ‎15-03-2017

My husband and I have been together for 12 years but only married for 11 months. He has never been someone who has been open with this feelings and doesn't like to talk (which has been a issue). But the last few months he has become distant and closed off and I know that there has been issues that he has been dealing with like work, his father, issues from his childhood and other things. But he has shut me out won't talk. We have been having trouble having a family which hasn't helped so he is blaming himself, saying it's all his fault and that I deserve better and someone else. I've tried my best to support him. He said that he needs space. So I'm staying at my mums for a while which I don't know if it's a good thing or not? One positive he did seek help today which im happy about but he told me that his feeling for me have changed and that he is numb, but numb to everyone and everything. That he doesn't know if his feeling for me will return. That he is in a dark place that he doesn't know what he what's out of life. I just need some advice. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much this can't be the end coz I'll fight to the end for him and us.

BballJ · ‎15-03-2017

Hi TTMAB,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through, relationship troubles are big thing on these forums and one a lot of us are familiar with. It is great that you are seeking help not only for him but also yourself, I understand your husband has started seeking help which is great and part of the journey to recovery is supporting him as much as you can. I think one thing to understand I find that with people with a mental health concern is that they don't continually like being asked how they are feeling or what are they feeling? I find the best thing to do is just letting them know you are there to support them however they want and reminding them you are fighting to keep the relationship going and how much you love them. The next step may be couples counselling for the both of you, just to have a un-biased professional voice to hear everything you both have to say and help you both through it, this may come after your husband has seeked and gone through the proper help is he after. My advice is to just be there for him as much as you can and keep letting him know you care for him and love him and try not to bombard with too many questions about how he is feeling and from personal experience than can shut that person off from talking. It is a tough one to navigate I understand that but be as positive as you can for him and yourself too.

My best for you and your husband,

Jay

geoff · ‎16-03-2017

hello TTMAB, thanks for coming to the site and for posting your comment.
When someone has depression it seems as though they go into a world of their own, closing the doors and won't let anyone in so that they can help them, they fear that if they open up and start talking that all that will happen is that no one will ever believe why they could ever get depressed, they are married, have a good life, a good job, although that's not the situation here, so why are they depressed.
Well depression doesn't distinguish between anyone, it can take just one small event to begin the process that he has been pushing away, whether it was his work or perhaps not being able to conceive a baby or the both of these, but at the moment he doesn't know himself, that's why he needs space.
It's no fault of yours, but thankfully now he has started to get help is a good sign, and as Jay has said let him talk when he wants to, rather than asking the many questions you would love to know. Geoff.

TTMAB · ‎17-03-2017

Thank you for your support and advice. I'm seeking help from my doctor as I know myself going through this I'm suffering depression I might not be at the same level as my husband but I know I'm suffering. And I've realised that I can't help him when I'm depressed too. This is not an easy time and I'm really trying to stay positive which isn't easy to do. No partner ever wants to see their loved one go through this and be in such a dark place. But I thank you for your help. As I told my husband "one day at a time".

Thanks

TTMAB

geoff · ‎17-03-2017

hi TTMAB, it's great to see back from you and very pleased to know that you are seeing your doctor, but it's not easy to try and stay positive, but if you love someone that much then there's a target to aim for.
Please let us know how you are getting on either way, because it's nice to know that the people who are struggling so much stay connected with us, because we always want to know, but some times we don't hear back from them. Geoff. x

Panorizon · ‎17-03-2017

Hi Geoff

I am another concerned wife, just joined forum today. I think my husband has been battling some sort of depression for at least 5 years - started when his business went downhill, then unemployed for 12 mths, now has job but he works like a dog, shift work (which plays havoc on even a 'normal' relationship) and poor pay. I am lucky to have a good job with good pay, but he sees this as a threat rather than embracing it. I have taken to going away on my own as he now prefers to stay at his property and can't afford the money, as we each have a mortgage. Our last decent holiday was 8 years ago. He can't seem to recognise that I work full-time and deserve a break. A month ago he moved out to his property - says he needs time to think, has said hurtful things which make me wonder if he even loves me. I don't know how to get him to seek help. I don't know whether to leave him alone - and risk the distance becoming greater - or how often to make contact. I would do anything for the marriage, but I don't even know how to talk to him now - my logical reasoning approach only seems to make things worse. Thanks for your input.

TTMAB · ‎19-03-2017

Sorry I need some more advice. So my husband says that he needs space which I'm willing be give as he can't face my sadness and he needs to figure out if he does love me still or if it's the depression masking his feeling. Coz at the moment feelings have gone but he is numb to everything and everyone at the moment. So my question is how much space to I give? I don't want him to think I'm at him (which I'm not as i haven't spoken to him in 2 days but then I don't want him to think I'm not here for him even though I've said many of times that I love him, I'm fighting for him and us and that I'm here for him. It's hard coz I really don't know what's going on with him and in his head and heart. I miss him so much

BballJ · ‎19-03-2017

Hi TTMAB,

When someone's asks for space, no one ever truly knows how much - its the same questions as how long is piece of string. I think you are doing it the right way, just letting him know you are there for him the key I think here, subtle reminders, maybe it's an SMS to his phone during the day, just saying "thinking of you, love you" something along those lines. Sometimes the small subtle things help a lot. Try and be as positive as you can around him as well, positivity has this way of radiating onto other people.

Keep posting back.

My best,

Jay

BballJ · ‎19-03-2017

Hi Panorizon,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Has you husband completely moved out, or is this just to think things through? How often are you seeing him during a normal working week? Has he ever been to a GP for this depression, sounds like he may need to speak to someone as he may have a lot of emotions going through his head and maybe someone like a psychologist could help him understand what he is feeling and then possibly couples counselling for you both to work through your marriage issues?

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

Guest_89 · ‎20-03-2017

Hi TTMAB!

I'm 19, so I don't have the experience of being in a marriage, but I have been dealing with mental health issues for many many years so i have that insight.

It sounds like your husband has become quite disconnected, emotionally isolated, and numb. Staying at your mum's house and giving him a bit of space could definitely be good for him - Although, even if he says he needs space, he also needs someone there. Maybe a few nights a week you could stay at your mum's and a few nights a week you stay home with him? I think gradually trying to get more involved would be best for him. When people are feeling bad, they often try to isolate themselves as they feel like a burden, and like they want to fade away, but really it's not good for them to be left to themselves all the time.

It sounds like there are definitely underlying issues he is dealing with, possibly issues that he hasn't ever spoken about that have risen. Sudden numbness and isolation can often be a cause of triggered memories etc etc, and he could be feeling hopeless, embarrassed, and ashamed for what he's thinking and feeling. Maybe he'll open up to you about what's going on, and maybe he won't, but he does still need your presence and support by knowing you will be there.

It's great that he has reached for help! This shows that no matter how he looks on the outside, he does want to get better, and that's very important. If he's talking to a psychologist or something similar, it's crucial that you ensure he feels that what he tells this person is completely confidential and private, otherwise that support won't be genuine and helpful. BUT maybe an idea is to find another psych that you can both see at the same time, to do some joint talk therapy? it's good with communication and relationships etc. Making sure this psych is a separate one from the one he's privately talking to is important though.

Best wishes 🙂