Concerned wife

TTMAB · ‎15-03-2017

My husband and I have been together for 12 years but only married for 11 months. He has never been someone who has been open with this feelings and doesn't like to talk (which has been a issue). But the last few months he has become distant and closed off and I know that there has been issues that he has been dealing with like work, his father, issues from his childhood and other things. But he has shut me out won't talk. We have been having trouble having a family which hasn't helped so he is blaming himself, saying it's all his fault and that I deserve better and someone else. I've tried my best to support him. He said that he needs space. So I'm staying at my mums for a while which I don't know if it's a good thing or not? One positive he did seek help today which im happy about but he told me that his feeling for me have changed and that he is numb, but numb to everyone and everything. That he doesn't know if his feeling for me will return. That he is in a dark place that he doesn't know what he what's out of life. I just need some advice. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much this can't be the end coz I'll fight to the end for him and us.

TTMAB · ‎20-03-2017

Jay thanks for your advice it has been very helpful. I fear that my husband is giving up on us. Saying that I shouldn't hold onto false hopes and that he doesn't think his feeling will return. I'm hoping this is the depression and I'm trying to hold onto hope. He refuses to have counselling together or talk face to face as he can't face me and my sadness. He hates himself for putting me through this and not loving me anymore. It's only been a week since I've moved out to my mums and I'm so confused in what to do. Should I keep giving him the space or should I really suggest we talk face to face. As I said to him this isn't just a relationship this is a marriage and we've been through too much for this to take over. Any advice would help coz I'm so lost.

Thanks

TTMAB

BballJ · ‎20-03-2017

Hi TTMAB,

I don't want to give the wrong advice at all but I try and relate it to my relationship with my partner... I would give them space but try to talk to them, try to organise a catch up to try and talk it through, even if its one sentence, something just to 1. Let them know I'm still there and I care about them and 2. I don't want to lose them and will fight for them and the marriage. It such a tough one supporting someone with a mental health issue and sometimes it is the mental health talking. It's made harder that he doesn't want to get the help as well... counsellor's do such a great job but so many people can't talk about their feelings which is why they dismiss it very quickly. I hope others will comment with some advice for you as well.

I really do hope it works out for the best for you both

My best,

Jay

metester · ‎29-03-2017

Hi TTMAB. Your story reminds me of my own in many ways. I have been battling depression for over a decade now and your husband sounds very much like I was in the early days. I am not saying he is on the same path as me in any way but I can understand how he is feeling. I am sure if my wife was reading this she'd concur with many of your thoughts as she was on the receiving end of many similar comments and behavior.

I know it will be difficult but try not to think of him and depression as one and the same. I strongly feel that whilst the words are coming out of his mouth it is the depression talking. I was in survival mode at the time and truly did need to retreat away by having space. I was angry, frustrated, sad and had no control over my moods and often my words. One thing I didn't lose sight of was how much love I had for my wife and family. This made me feel deep guilt that I had never felt before. Sadly, I did not receive the space I so much needed as we had two children under 3 and lived in a small home at the time and it wasn't possible. I am convinced things would have been easier for me personally if I was on my own but also understand the risk of being alone with the illness. I also know that my wife would have been worried sick by the separation. I also felt guilt about the burden I had become and truly believed everyone would be better off without me. It was painful for all of us.

I hope this gives a small insight into how he could be feeling and you appreciate why he says what says and does what he does. He'll no doubt be comforted in the knowledge that you are there for him, as was I, but as others have said perhaps remind him you are there for him and check-in on him subtly for a while. Of course, he needs to keep seeing a medical professional and I am pleased that you are too.

Please know that this can be overcome and better times can return.