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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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JPH68 Supporting my adult son with severe depression & alcohol abuse
  • replies: 2

My beautiful 27 year old son has been battling depression for about 8 years - has seen therapists, been on medication, improved for a while but never full remission. Then he started drinking - to cope or to forget or pretend to be happy & normal. Lot... View more

My beautiful 27 year old son has been battling depression for about 8 years - has seen therapists, been on medication, improved for a while but never full remission. Then he started drinking - to cope or to forget or pretend to be happy & normal. Lots of awful nights spent looking for him, when very intoxicated he has tried to self-harm. He has been in & out of employment, fractured relationships with his brother & sister. In and out of living at home - I felt by allowing him to stay at home and by cleaning him up after episodes of binge drinking etc - that I was enabling this destructive behaviour. He moved out over 12 months ago - the drinking and depression have continued to get worse and I feel guilty that my 'tough love' may have contributed to this. He has ew friends except those who are also heavy drinkers. My husband is chronically ill & unable to work so I am financially supporting us. My 'friends' don't seem to know how to help me with both sick husband and son so many just don't contact me which really hurts. Finally, out of the blue, my son asked for help just over one week ago and has been in a detox & rehab service for 7 days. I know this is just the beginning but am hoping that finally, he will begin to understand why he has been so self-destructive, why he hates himself so much and that his life can be so much better, healthier and happier. I find it difficult to sleep, as worrying about him has been going on for so long. Nightmares about his attempts. But I remain hopeful, I have to as I love him dearly. Thanks for listening. Helga T

RidgeyDidge___ Wife has BiPolar 2, I don't know why she's always tearing me down. She seems ok with everyone else.
  • replies: 1

? im just so confused, one minute we're battling together to get ahead. We've just got on top of everything and bamb It's just like a train wreck. I'm just in shock and have been for about 4 months now. People say it will get better but it keeps gett... View more

? im just so confused, one minute we're battling together to get ahead. We've just got on top of everything and bamb It's just like a train wreck. I'm just in shock and have been for about 4 months now. People say it will get better but it keeps getting worse. I'm not been given fair and equal access to my 6 year old daughter and when I do occasionally it's a weekend and she goes out partying and she's on heavy medications. It just doesn't seem morally right. I'm working hard and getting limited visitation. There are no court orders in place yet so it should be fair but it's not. I can see my daughter being taken away from me.???

Breedo1 Partner not coping with 5 month old
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm not sure what to do, my partner is having a very hard time coping with our 5 month old. She seems to be depressed, claims the house is a prison and that it's not fair because I get to go to work. Previously diagnosed with postnatal depression... View more

Hi, I'm not sure what to do, my partner is having a very hard time coping with our 5 month old. She seems to be depressed, claims the house is a prison and that it's not fair because I get to go to work. Previously diagnosed with postnatal depression but had been cleared of it but I believe she still has it. Due to our 5 month old crying (screaming in her eyes) she has it in her head that our baby has autism. I'm starting to find it harder and harder to deal with as she does not want to believe she has depression and that everything else is the problem. Any advised is greatly appreciated.

JR3 Trying to Understand and want to help
  • replies: 4

I'm needing help, advice and really just to know this has happened to other people. My middle aged brother was diagnosed with social anxiety some years ago but has had a serious relapse almost 12 months ago. In that time we have organised professiona... View more

I'm needing help, advice and really just to know this has happened to other people. My middle aged brother was diagnosed with social anxiety some years ago but has had a serious relapse almost 12 months ago. In that time we have organised professional help for him (as well as being there for him ourselves) which he starts but than completely shuts down. He has to be also depressed?? He sleeps most of the day gets up starts drinking then goes to bed....repeat.... I don't know what our next step is as he refuses to go to appointments and won't even leave the house. I can't remember the last time he went beyond the house and yard. I want to help him but I don't know how to now and I'm finding it more difficult to talk to him as I am starting to get so angry with the whole situation. I love him to bits but I'm just so frustrated. Has anyone else been through this and what did you do?

nina22 I still love my husband...not sure if this is a mental health condition or not..but his behavour is strange
  • replies: 5

My husband and I were married 18 years(we are still legally married We have known each other 21 years. He was my best friend..even though he is not with me I still love him very much (unconditionally) We went through a lot together - grief, infertili... View more

My husband and I were married 18 years(we are still legally married We have known each other 21 years. He was my best friend..even though he is not with me I still love him very much (unconditionally) We went through a lot together - grief, infertility, losing a baby, some major tragedies (whereby my husband lost members of his family,his father and brother(two separate incidents(both made the news)..Then some members of his family went to prison... My husband did get some counselling and things seemed to improve but maybe not. He just left me one day(disappeared) but came back after two weeks. We had our normal ups and downs but overall loved each other and were best friends. After my mum died, my husband literally walked out on me(abandoned me) without me knowing. It came as a huge shock. He then told me(after I called him on the mobile) that he needed to fulfill his dreams. He has morals as we are both christians and in our faith adhere to them..(infidelity is not something we would practice or want to do). Not saying we are perfect but I knew how my husband took our vows seriously. After he walked out on me, he changed. He went overseas to meet his online gf(I had NO idea) and he was planning on marrying her. We were still married. He joined facebook and added lots of random friends. He has never been overseas before but went overseas to meet virtually a stranger and befriended her family starightaway. He said that her family loved him. As a young person my husband had a herion addiction but got over all that and was clean for decades. Now he drinks alcohol. He lived in a car for a little while (in a car park) we have a lovely home but he didn't want to come back. He blamed me for everything and has obviously lied to numerous people about me...people and family no longer talk to me. He fell in love with this other country and is so obsessed with it. From geographical landmarks, to food, culture, furniture. He blames me for everything yet, when we were together, would send "I love you" text messages everyday. One week he wants to buy land and grow vegetables and then on other weeks he wants to live overseas in this country. He is obsessed with this country, geo. landmarks, food, furniture, women, transport, food, etc. He has given up meat pies for their food. He now lives in a very exclusive area of Sydney when only last year he was living in a car.It's like he has lost insight.Is this mental health condition.His mum is mentallyill

Lisamt Am I fighting a losing battle
  • replies: 2

So I have never written on here but desperately need advice. Hubby of 21 yrs has been diagnosed with depression anxiety and ptsd, for the last 12 months he has become distant and pushing me away physically and emotionally. He works away so that doesn... View more

So I have never written on here but desperately need advice. Hubby of 21 yrs has been diagnosed with depression anxiety and ptsd, for the last 12 months he has become distant and pushing me away physically and emotionally. He works away so that doesn't help. He is very flat and has a change in personality. He has been through a lot in his life and never dealt with any of it, it's now crushing him. It's hard to watch what is happening to him and us. He has started medication two months ago and has seen a physiologist four times but it's hard as he's away a lot. He now focused on problems with our marriage ( I thought we have a great one we never even argue) and how his feelings have changed and I'm better off without him. He hasn't even talked about all his lose and trauma just making it about us. I am fighting to hold it together he is the love of my life what do I do my heart is breaking

_KR_ Emotional dysregulation
  • replies: 4

I got an email from my daughter's psyc today saying her behaviour was due to her emotional dysregulation. She has bipolar. I have done a quick google but I don't really understand. In layman's terms what is emotional dysregulation with someone with b... View more

I got an email from my daughter's psyc today saying her behaviour was due to her emotional dysregulation. She has bipolar. I have done a quick google but I don't really understand. In layman's terms what is emotional dysregulation with someone with bipolar?

helpinghand100 How to help a friend with suspected depression
  • replies: 2

Hi, Thank you for taking the time to read. Myself and a few mutual friends are very concerned about a friend of ours. We suspect depression, but to our knowledge it hasn't been diagnosed. A friend of ours has progressively become more and more unwell... View more

Hi, Thank you for taking the time to read. Myself and a few mutual friends are very concerned about a friend of ours. We suspect depression, but to our knowledge it hasn't been diagnosed. A friend of ours has progressively become more and more unwell, often lamenting on facebook that she has no friends, that no one cares about her, that the whole world is against her and that she should just give up. Try as we might to try and make her feel better nothing seems to make her feel better (of course we can't "make" her feel better though). I want to broach the subject about talking to someone and possible treatment, whether that be drugs, psycologist etc I don't know, but I do know that her first response will be "I can't afford that" I would offer to pay for her but I also know that her response will be to flately refuse to accept any sort money. To be clear this friend has had some serious health issues which have forced her out of her work that she adored and she will not be able to get back into due to physical limitations. She is extremely intelligent and worked damn hard to get herself through another high level degree, but now HATES her work so constantly feels like she has nothing to live for. So who/where can I direct her to get some free support? Any direction would be much appreciated

Wintersun Caught in the middle of the system
  • replies: 2

HI Been reading the forums for a while but first time posting to hopefully get some advice. This is the back story. Last Year my 27 year old son was hospitalized twice after suddenly becoming paranoid no illicit drugs or alcohol involved. He became h... View more

HI Been reading the forums for a while but first time posting to hopefully get some advice. This is the back story. Last Year my 27 year old son was hospitalized twice after suddenly becoming paranoid no illicit drugs or alcohol involved. He became health obsessed following a panic attack. Left hospital medicated and slowly improved though meds were changed due to heart palps. This caused a descent into depression. Meds were changed again and slow improvement. For one week we felt we had our son back. Then in the course of 1 /12 weeks he has blown$10 000 he doesn't have and is now in debt and only on Centrelink. Caught between comhet team who don't seem to think this is urgent and his meds could not have contributed. Not functioning in his life overwhelmed by his issues. We are not well enough off for private hospital/drs and seems we can't get help unless he is a threat to himself. I am heartbroken with all the lying and cheating he has done. Is this it? What am I supposed to do? Hoping someone might be able to provide guidance. Apologies for long post.

LeeT New to this site. Supporting my two beautiful adult sons
  • replies: 4

Hi. I'm new to this site. I am not seeking anything, but the opportunity to vent. I have very little support, if any. No one who is willing to walk with me on my journey, know exactly what is going on in my life, who can just send me a text every now... View more

Hi. I'm new to this site. I am not seeking anything, but the opportunity to vent. I have very little support, if any. No one who is willing to walk with me on my journey, know exactly what is going on in my life, who can just send me a text every now & then saying 'I love you', 'Thinking of you'. The supporter needs some support. I now realise this. I have 2 grown sons, 25 & 29. I raised these amazing boys on my own from 10 & 14yrs. Their father (an ex-soldier) has barely been in one son's life and not in the other; for the past 7 years. His new wife successfully pushed them out of his life, and my ex allowed this to occur. He now has PTSD. My sons grew up to be great men. One is a lawyer and the other in a Cth Gov job. I'm so so proud of them. However, one has struggled with depression for the past 7years, & will not get professional help (he went to a psychologist once & they didnt hit it off, so he now thinks they are all no good). For the past 2 years, my other son has had depression and anxiety. He is seeking help but his psychologist just left to do another type of work in the field, so now has none. Both have tried multiple antedepressants, with nil luck so far. I have been trying to support them both, in ernest, for the past 12 months when they both worsened (supporting the younger for a few years longer). It's the hardest thing I've had to do, watching the loves of my life struggle & rarely see them happy. I've had a hard life, but this takes the cake. It's made harder as both are very private & wont open up to me very much (1 more than the other). I'm still learning how to support them better, I've made mistakes - but I'm learning as I go. I work full time and have a hugely stressful job, so no respite. The pain I feel when I see them hurting and can't fix it (typical mum trait, I know) is immense - as is the happiness when I see them occasionally smile or laugh. I've never felt so lonely as I have felt, lately. My siblings just don't know what to say, so say nothing. I'm in this on my own. I'm now seeing a psychologists but it's only for coping strategies; it doesn't take my pain away of going through this. To all supporters out there - I 'get' you. You're all amazing. Best wishes & love.