Partner not coping with 5 month old

[Breedo1]

Hi,

I'm not sure what to do, my partner is having a very hard time coping with our 5 month old.

She seems to be depressed, claims the house is a prison and that it's not fair because I get to go to work.

Previously diagnosed with postnatal depression but had been cleared of it but I believe she still has it.

Due to our 5 month old crying (screaming in her eyes) she has it in her head that our baby has autism.

I'm starting to find it harder and harder to deal with as she does not want to believe she has depression and that everything else is the problem.

Any advised is greatly appreciated.

[Starwolf]

Hi Breedo, welcome to the forums.

Kudos to you for being proactive and seeking help. Your partner needs you right now. She is lucky to have you though she may not see it this way at the moment (a struggling mind sees little but itself). Denial comes easier than acknowledging an existing issue. No one can be forced to admit there is a problem...which puts YOU in a delicate, difficult position.

Motherhood is is a huge lifestyle change. PND sure doesn't help with hormonal fluctuations and an already difficult transition.

Perhaps a "neutral" approach would work best at this point in time. I'd suggest you copy the K10 test for depression/anxiety and general info (top left of this page in the Facts section). If asking her to have a look is too confrontational, leaving it lying around in a visible spot could do the trick. In the scroll down menu at the top of this page, you will also find helpful tips in the Supporting someone section (including Looking after yourself).

Would she agree to an open talk with a GP if you went along ? This could be a first step toward being referred to a counselor or therapist. But of course, it would only benefit if she can open up about struggling. Taking your child for a thorough medical examination and tests could eliminate her fear that he may be autistic. With this out of the way, she may come to realize that young children are ultra sensitive to their carer's state of mind. A struggling mother often means a restless, crying baby.

Another alternative would be that you both have a chat with a social worker attached to/visiting your local hospital. You would be pointed in the right direction.

Do you have anyone you can talk to (close friend or family), someone who could take over babysitting duties while your partner gets me time...and out of the house ? If not, would she join a parents support group ? Children can be taken along while parents share thoughts and concerns or socialize over a cuppa.

Wishing you all the best.

[geoff]

hello Breedo, I really admire your desperation and coming to the site for help, because I know that it's so hard for the two of you to be able to meet on common ground.
It's a very delicate situation to handle, and thanks to Starwolf for replying back to you with some great suggestions.
Your position takes me back to when my wife had PND, which then rubbed off onto me, so it's not a very pleasant feeling at all.
My wife was also in denial, refused to get any help or take any medication for her condition, but I also didn't seek any help myself because I was hiding my feelings and pretending to be alright, in hindsight I should have seen my GP, but I was young and inexperienced with this illness.
Like all types of depression no one can tell her that she could be suffering from PND, simply because she will reject and deny it, and tend to blame it on something else, that's how she feels justified for being like this, but for you it creates another situation that you may not be able to cope with and find it so difficult.
I can't add anymore to what Starwolf has said, but can I please suggest you see your doctor because you are hurting as well. Geoff.

[Quercus]

Hi Breedo,

Welcome to the forums and good for you for reaching out for help!

Denial is a horrible thing for everyone involved. The reality is you can't force someone to get help your wife has to do that for herself.

But there are things that you can do. These are just things we did that you might consider...

• Make time for yourselves as a couple. A baby is a massive change. Make time to reconnect with your wife. Make sure she knows you love her and enjoy her company. That she is more than just a mother.
• Give her regular time for herself. As a mum myself I found I was always the very last priority. Time just for me was always the first thing to disappear. I couldn't look forward to anything because I never knew when or if I would get a break. It makes you feel shit about yourself. So schedule a regular time every week for her to do something she enjoys and stick to it.
• Encourage her to talk. Next time she says you're lucky you get to work ask if that truly concerns her? Does she want to work once a week just to have something adult and her own financial independence? Does she want to study from home? Becoming a Mum can make you feel like you have lost your career.
• Take her concerns about the baby seriously. Ok maybe it is just the depression speaking but ruling out her concerns by seeing the doctor helps because you are taking her feelings seriously. Make a long appointment, go as a family, and ask your wife if she would consider asking the doctor about the depression test because you are concerned about her as well as the baby.
• Ask her openly. Ask her to talk about how she's feeling. Ask her to write it down. When you're having a really bad day do you get suicidal thoughts? Even in passing? My husband used to ask and I'd always say oh in passing but it's ok. I'd make a joke of it. But he kept asking and one day he asked me to write down what I felt on a bad day. It wasn't pretty. A needed reality check.
• Make sure she knows you aren't going anywhere. I was really worried that the depressed me wasn't who my husband chose to marry and he would leave. It is good for her to know that you want her to get help because you are worried about her. Not because you hate this new her and want the old her back at all costs. Having children changes you and that is okay. Goes back to my first point.... Make an effort to reconnect with her.
• Take care of yourself too. Ask for help from family and friends. Surround yourself with support too.

Take care of yourself.