Trying to Understand and want to help

[JR3]

I'm needing help, advice and really just to know this has happened to other people. My middle aged brother was diagnosed with social anxiety some years ago but has had a serious relapse almost 12 months ago. In that time we have organised professional help for him (as well as being there for him ourselves) which he starts but than completely shuts down. He has to be also depressed?? He sleeps most of the day gets up starts drinking then goes to bed....repeat.... I don't know what our next step is as he refuses to go to appointments and won't even leave the house. I can't remember the last time he went beyond the house and yard. I want to help him but I don't know how to now and I'm finding it more difficult to talk to him as I am starting to get so angry with the whole situation. I love him to bits but I'm just so frustrated. Has anyone else been through this and what did you do?

[james1]

Hi JR3,

It's lovely to hear you are trying to help your brother and you've done a lot already by organising the professional help and being there, as well as encouraging him to go to appointments.

It is difficult for us to say as we do not know how the conversations go, but you mentioned you're getting angry and frustrated. While that is very understandable, it is probably worth doing a check between yourselves to make sure that anger and frustration isn't coming through in your interactions with him.

It is likely that your brother is also angry and frustrated at himself which is not a good feeling, so further pressure will reinforce the idea that he is unable to get better.

As family members, I think the best support you can provide is to try and understand what he is feeling, and why he may be feeling or thinking these things. For example, why does he drink and why doesn't he want to go to the appointments. If he feels he's unworthy, why does he feel that way and remind him that he's not and that his family love him.

It's really tiring for carers so it's important to make sure you don't overextend yourselves either. Remember that the responsibility lies completely in his court to make changes and to see the doctors. He needs help, but the bulk of that advice needs to come from his interactions with doctors.

If you have a look at the links below, you will see a few links about "Supporting someone". Here's a guide that can be found on one of those links:

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0445

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling to manage your brother's mental illness. It's very hard for him, but it's also very hard for you and the rest of the family. Mental illness really doesn't spare anyone, but with the right professional help and willingness to change, improvements definitely do come.

James

[geoff]

hello JR3, yes I have been through exactly the same as your brother, but it's good that you are doing your best to help your brother, but with anxiety comes depression or it could be vice-versa, never the less it may seem as though he's decided to block out any help, and instead using alcohol to numb his feelings.
I was no different but it was one reason why my wife divorced me, as my depression hadn't lifted after so many years of counselling, I was stuck in a hole and only I could do something about it, sounds easy but it's certainly not.
I was always told that I had to stop drinking alcohol, and even some psychologist's didn't want anything to do with me while I was drinking, and the more they nagged me to stop, the sooner I didn't want to see them, so it could be a catch-22.
The last psychologist who I had seen for 20 odd years understood how I was feeling.
Can I ask you how does he get his alcohol, but at the moment I would like to know what comments he may say to you when he's intoxicated, because this could be a way for you to help him, but I need to know, there maybe nothing of any concern, but on the other hand there could be, so please get back to me. Geoff.

[JR3]

Thanks so much for your reply. This has been a huge help and a bit of a self check for me as well. I think I was trying to do it all and 'fix' him so to speak. It has made me realise it isn't that simple. We have extended our support network and it has taken some pressure off. I can only image what he is going through.

[JR3]

Hi Geoff. Thank you for taking the time to reply and providing some insight as to what my brother is going through. I really appreciate it and it has helped me understand more.

When he is intoxicated he seem's quite good. Relaxed, not shaking as much and sometimes makes plans. However by the morning it never eventuates. Hence my frustration. I guess this post has made me realise only he can change. I can't make him. And I just need to reassess my expectations on his recovery and just be there for him.