I still love my husband...not sure if this is a mental health condition or not..but his behavour is strange

[nina22]

My husband and I were married 18 years(we are still legally married We have known each other 21 years. He was my best friend..even though he is not with me I still love him very much (unconditionally) We went through a lot together - grief, infertility, losing a baby, some major tragedies (whereby my husband lost members of his family,his father and brother(two separate incidents(both made the news)..Then some members of his family went to prison... My husband did get some counselling and things seemed to improve but maybe not. He just left me one day(disappeared) but came back after two weeks.

We had our normal ups and downs but overall loved each other and were best friends.

After my mum died, my husband literally walked out on me(abandoned me) without me knowing. It came as a huge shock. He then told me(after I called him on the mobile) that he needed to fulfill his dreams. He has morals as we are both christians and in our faith adhere to them..(infidelity is not something we would practice or want to do). Not saying we are perfect but I knew how my husband took our vows seriously.

After he walked out on me, he changed. He went overseas to meet his online gf(I had NO idea) and he was planning on marrying her. We were still married. He joined facebook and added lots of random friends. He has never been overseas before but went overseas to meet virtually a stranger and befriended her family starightaway. He said that her family loved him.

As a young person my husband had a herion addiction but got over all that and was clean for decades.

Now he drinks alcohol. He lived in a car for a little while (in a car park) we have a lovely home but he didn't want to come back. He blamed me for everything and has obviously lied to numerous people about me...people and family no longer talk to me.

He fell in love with this other country and is so obsessed with it. From geographical landmarks, to food, culture, furniture.

He blames me for everything yet, when we were together, would send "I love you" text messages everyday. One week he wants to buy land and grow vegetables and then on other weeks he wants to live overseas in this country. He is obsessed with this country, geo. landmarks, food, furniture, women, transport, food, etc. He has given up meat pies for their food.

He now lives in a very exclusive area of Sydney when only last year he was living in a car.It's like he has lost insight.Is this mental health condition.His mum is mentallyill

[JessF]

Hello nina22, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Having a spouse leave you after so many years, so many shared experiences, ups and downs, is like having the rug pulled from under you.

If you have a look through the threads here, you will find many similar stories from people who are looking for answers after a marriage breaks down. One of the things people often turn to when an ex-spouse behaves in such hurtful ways is to ask whether mental illness is a factor. It's as if to say, I thought he loved me, there's no explanation for why he would hurt me in such a way - he must be mentally ill.

The only thing that is apparent to me from your description of events is that your husband wanted a fresh start, and despite your feeling that you were best friends, there were clearly some things he was concealing from you (having another girlfriend that he was planning on marrying).

What I am most concerned about reading your post is you. Although it seems inexplicable to you, your husband appears to be quite happy and has moved on, and on top of that is saying very hurtful thigns about you to others that has destroyed your relationships with friends and family. How are you feeling about all this?

[nina22]

Thanks for your reply. I am doing much better after long term counselling, but I still care about him. I don't think he has moved on..the other day he was seriously depressed and a lot of people were concerned about him. He has mentioned suicide in the past that is why I get concerned. He isn't happy at all and there is more to the story but I ran out of characters. He was happy with me which puzzles me. You would think he would be happy but he isn't. I am doing really well and am happy. 🙂 but I still care very much for him as there is no one is his life that cares. He used to care about his mum, now it's like she doesn't exist. He has no remorse or sorrow for all that he has done to hurt me. This is a huge red flag. His friends think he is behaving strangely. One of them contacted our pastor.

[JessF]

Hello Nina, I'm so pleased to read you are doing well and that you've had counselling over a time. It sounds like despite the betrayals and rejection, you still care very much for your husband, and perhaps feel it is your duty to be there for him in the absence of others. Although it does sound like he has friends looking out for him. I'm getting the sense that you are hearing information about how he is second-hand rather than first hand, would that be right?

[nina22]

No Not my duty..I made a vow before God and i love him, still. I know he isn't well. There is more to the story. It is just a matter of time before he gets help and comes home.

[geoff]

hello Nina, it's hard to know why he has been behaving like this, I don't think that he actually knows himself, and it would be easy to suddenly believe that for some reason he loves this other country, but to me it seems as though it's a way for him to escape as the past hasn't been kind to either of you.
Now that he lives in an exclusive area of Sydney surely must puzzle you, and from what you have told us there seems to be much going on that nobody knows about, where depression can make this happen, but I still believe it's been happening for a long time.
Love is such a difficult word to explain as it has so many variants and differs from person to person, it maybe lost when a mental illness happens, again everybody is totally different.
Would like to hear more of your story whenever you feel like it. Geoff.