Am I fighting a losing battle

[Lisamt]

So I have never written on here but desperately need advice. Hubby of 21 yrs has been diagnosed with depression anxiety and ptsd, for the last 12 months he has become distant and pushing me away physically and emotionally. He works away so that doesn't help. He is very flat and has a change in personality. He has been through a lot in his life and never dealt with any of it, it's now crushing him. It's hard to watch what is happening to him and us. He has started medication two months ago and has seen a physiologist four times but it's hard as he's away a lot. He now focused on problems with our marriage ( I thought we have a great one we never even argue) and how his feelings have changed and I'm better off without him. He hasn't even talked about all his lose and trauma just making it about us. I am fighting to hold it together he is the love of my life what do I do

my heart is breaking

[blondguy]

Hi Lisamt

Im really sorry for the delay in you getting a reply. We are usually pretty quick

Its sad to read that you husband's depression is having making your marriage and your life heartbreaking.

You do have an understanding of what happens we dont deal with issues in our life. As you mentioned your husband is faltering mainly due to his lack of action in seeking treatment earlier on.

I understand you as I have been in recovery after having depression for 21 years but I sought help as soon as I could in the early days of this awful illness. Ive been on meds (two decades) and have had frequent counseling for years.

Many people (especially guys) think they can 'soldier on' and self heal. This can be a path to increasing the level of the depression and especially PTSD.

You mentioned that he is focusing on issues within your marriage and and he seems flat/devoid of emotion.

Depression is not a free pass not to communicate to a partner. I would be upset if I was with a girlfriend and she was doing what your husband is. A relationship is a two way street...depression or no depression.

Can I ask if your husband would attend joint counseling so you can have your say so he has to answer questions re his health and his thoughts about you without redirecting the focus on you as he does now?

Your well being is the first priority here. Nothing else comes before your own health. Your quality of life is paramount as well as having a reasonably contented day to day life.

The forums are a caring and safe place for you Lisa. You will also never be judged here.....but we can help you with support no worries at all 🙂

I really hope you can post back and stick around if you wish of course

my kindest thoughts for you Lisa

Paul

[White_Rose]

Hello Lisa

Welcome to the forum. So pleased you have written in to us. I am sad for you feeling so hurt and lost. Living with someone who is depressed is almost as hard as being depressed yourself. Do you know much about depression? Beyond Blue has a store of information which you can download to your computer or ask for booklets to be sent to you. Have a look. There is information for families and friends which could be helpful. Look under The Facts at the top of the page.

One of the more common results of depression is for the person to tell his/her spouse how much better of they would be without them. They do not understand how much support is being given to them by the spouse. Sometimes marriages appear to be in difficulties and the person will jump on that as an excuse to not look at themselves. As you say, he is finding it so difficult to think or talk about his past that he picks a fight with you as a means of managing. It's good you can recognise that you had a good marriage. Stay with that thought and let him push you away.

I see the difficulties of meeting regularly with a psychologist when you have a FIFO job or similar. Will the psychologist work during the evening so your man can get there, or can he talk via Skype during the day. It's worth exploring these options with the psych to enable your husband more access to help.

If you feel you are having difficulties I suggest you have a chat to your GP. This is a safe person and your discussion is confidential. You GP may suggest other ways to help you cope.

Please post here as often as you wish. There is always support here.

Mary