Immediate support
Immediate support

Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Start a discussion

AlexD Girlfriend is Depressed / Unlucky with Work
  • replies: 3

I met my partner Sarah over a year ago and we have both battled with depression for as long as we both can remember. Since we met she has taken an active interest in medication and therapy, and its working wonders. Everything is getting better for he... View more

I met my partner Sarah over a year ago and we have both battled with depression for as long as we both can remember. Since we met she has taken an active interest in medication and therapy, and its working wonders. Everything is getting better for her as she re-forges a relationship with her daughter after a divorce, and has a new loving partner in me which she always tells me she never thought she would be so happy. However, she is rather depressed because she wants to work and keeps going for job trials but it never results in a job. I've told her that I want her to be happy but in her own words she wants to: 'be an equal financial contributor to our relationship' & 'not be a financial burden on a man ever again'. This is despite her having savings and settlement money from her divorce and being on centrelink. Not to mention, I work full-time in a great job that pays well. She is also, I don't know how to put this, a little slower to pick things up than others. She's not developmentally challenged either mentally or physically or even handicapped, but I would say it takes a bit longer for things to click, and because of this her feedback to date is that she isn't 'fast enough' or 'takes too long to pick up processes'. I attribute this to her choosing to get married straight out of high school and raising a daughter as a stay at home housewife for over 20 years. She is starting out again and is only now, at the age of 43, entering the workforce with certificates earned online and has minor in-job experience. It's not been easy on her and i've been helping out as much as I can. It really hits me hard because she is the most beautiful soul and is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met, and I just want to wrap her in cotton-wool and protect her from the world. I support her through all she wants to do and always will, but she wants to work and keeps getting depressed when every job she goes for results in a 'sorry, we're not going to hire you'. I am always encouraging and supportive and don't get mad at her no matter what, in fact I never stress over her abilities because she has drive to succeed. I fear for her constantly being rejected and it diminishing her self-worth after she has built herself up after the last year. I guess i've made this post today to ask how I could better support her?

BoffyDom NEWBIE - How can I support my best friend with depression from a distance????
  • replies: 8

Hi. This is the first time I have ever written in a forum. So I hope this is ok? My best friend who lives in another State is suffering from depression and anxiety. Last year in June she started getting anxiety attacks and depression. She said that s... View more

Hi. This is the first time I have ever written in a forum. So I hope this is ok? My best friend who lives in another State is suffering from depression and anxiety. Last year in June she started getting anxiety attacks and depression. She said that she has spent all her life giving to others but has nothing else left for her. She is totally burnt out. As an nurse for 30 years and now health care worker dealing with abused children, her work is very emotionally and mentally draining. A severe case of Compassion fatigue. She has overcome having a stroke in the last five years. Just as she got over that her husband was diagnosed with bone cancer. Last week the cancer came back after being in remission. My question is as we live in different States how can I support her? We used to talk everyday. Either texts, calls or messenger, however during the past year communication has been very spasmodic from her end. I have been sending her supportive texts, and for every week for the past year I have sent her cards of support and encouragement. I told her there was no pressure to respond. I have asked if I can call her but she tells me she isn't up to talking. Since her husbands latest diagnosis last week she has completely shut down. She asked for space which I am currently giving her. I understand that she needs to process this recent information regarding her husband. But I now feel like I have abandoned her? How can I give her the space she has asked for but still support her. I am finding being separated by so much distance is hard as I can't just give her a hug or sit quietly and hold her hand, just BE WITH her and let her know she is not alone. That I am here. I would love to hear how other people support friends or family with depression/anxiety when they live a long distance away. I would appreciate any advice as I am so concerned about her. All I do is think about her and ways I can help her. We were so close. She is my best friend...But now we are like strangers Thanks

Dexter_elvis My husband has depression
  • replies: 5

Hey everyone, I am new. I joint beyond blue as my husband has depression and it's ruining our relationship. I feel as though I am his punching bag. He is this amazing, strongman but his depression is crippling him. I'm his punching bag and he knows h... View more

Hey everyone, I am new. I joint beyond blue as my husband has depression and it's ruining our relationship. I feel as though I am his punching bag. He is this amazing, strongman but his depression is crippling him. I'm his punching bag and he knows he is doing it and always apologises after but I'm a always walking on egg shells. He has seen someone for a couple of sessions then stopped and has agreed he should be on medication to help him but it's a slow process getting him to do anything. Last weekend he was telling me he was struggling with this life and that I am this amazing person this week I am the worst person in the world and he is over our relationship. We will be fantastic for a while best friends then he gets upset and says horrible things and won't have anything to do with me. I want to help him get through this as he is such an amazing husband but I just need someone to help me know im not alone. Thanks everyone

Julie_a I'm at my wits end with my partner and his depression
  • replies: 9

Now where do I start: I've been with my partner for 8 years we are taking some time out right now. We live an hour from each other seeing each other every weekend and some week nights. He's been married with 3 kids in their early 20s separated for 12... View more

Now where do I start: I've been with my partner for 8 years we are taking some time out right now. We live an hour from each other seeing each other every weekend and some week nights. He's been married with 3 kids in their early 20s separated for 12 years, very bitter breakup and still is. He's had depression for quite some time maybe 4 years now after his mum passed away, but I think he's had it a lot longer but was able to contain it. These last four years have been so frustrating as he's such a caring thoughtful man, he'd wash and polish my car or suprise me with a night in the city, always doing things for me that I so appreciate, but the next day he can be cold and pick on me for little things like if I've dropped something I need to be more careful even though it was an accident, telling me I have no friends,telling me to go home if I don't cut up the meat for the pasta sauce the way he wants me to, I find myself lashing out and getting very angry and frustrated so I go home and we don't talk, I get stonewalled till he feels better, he knows he has depression his doctor has confirmed that but he won't take it further, and refuses to take any medication or see a therapist, instead stays in his pjs all day watching show after show not showering and not going out, it's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off, part of me feels guilty for getting so angry with him but I can't stand and I won't take his unreasonable crap he dishes out, I don't know whether to leave him and scare him into getting help, he is one of ten kids he's close to one sister that's it. He's close to his kids but does the same to them with his sarcasm, it's like he doesn't think of what comes out of his mouth and then has to suffer the consequences when people bite back at him, sometimes I'm not sure whether he has depression or bipolar 2, his father was abit like him but his father was a mean man a lot of the time. Now I'm finding myself angry and frustrated a lot of the time, sometimes I just feel like running away, I still love my partner very much but this is becoming all too hard

Graciousone Need help please so confused! Partner is pushing me away!!
  • replies: 5

I’m currently going through the rollercoaster of not knowing what to do. We have been together for 4 years and everything was great, Then things started to change. He started not helping around the house and started going out with his football friend... View more

I’m currently going through the rollercoaster of not knowing what to do. We have been together for 4 years and everything was great, Then things started to change. He started not helping around the house and started going out with his football friends and drinking. He would come home early in the morning after i would be up all night worried. And he would sleep all the next day. I have known he has had depression as when we met he was suffering but it disappeared. Then one day he stopped saying i love you and that he doesnt know if he loved me anymore. From there he has been pushing me away to the point where I am now. He is getting help and his first appointment is Wednesday. I love this guy with all my heart and it’s killing me that he is like this. I know depression causes people to feel numb and doubt things that’s where he is at. He doesnt know what he wants but doesnt want me to leave. I asked him last night of I should leave and He said stay. He broke up with me last week saying he needs space to get himself fixed. We are still living together and he still calls me by my pet and we Give each other an occasional hug and snuggle - no nookie!, i want to support him as the road ahead is going to be rough for him. He came over from america and only really has me as a main support. But I’m trying to work out whether the relationship will survive and how do I make it survive? Will he get rid of the numbness and doubt?

ReachOut Is my boyfriend severely depressed or does he want to leave me?
  • replies: 8

Hi everyone, I'm very concerned about my boyfriend who is currently giving me the silent treatment. It's been over a week and the thoughts going through my head are driving me crazy. He has a history of depression, though I don't know much about it a... View more

Hi everyone, I'm very concerned about my boyfriend who is currently giving me the silent treatment. It's been over a week and the thoughts going through my head are driving me crazy. He has a history of depression, though I don't know much about it as we've only been together for 9 months and he doesn't talk about it with me. I brought up an issue recently, and he wasn't willing to talk about it- he just shut off completely. I got very upset and frustrated and tried to push the conversation a bit further but it was ignored and we both went to sleep. He then got up in the middle of the night and left. (We don't live together- I assume he went to his house). I haven't heard from him or seen home since, though I've tried calling multiple times and sent 3 text messages. I've tried apologising for how I handled the situation. I've tried explaining that by bringing up any issues in our relationship isn't a personal attack on him. I've tried telling him how much I care, etc etc. Same result- nothing. Before this recent event, there's been 3 other times when a similar thing has happened. Seemingly when there is any problem and a lack of communication, he just ignores me for days. In the past it has only been 3-4 days maximum, and then he's contacted me. This time it's much longer. I'm trying to work out what to do, if I even can do anything. Communication is so important to me and I don't know how to solve this when we can't talk. I've almost settled on the sad fact that he just wants me to leave him alone/ break up, yet I'm almost positive that he's acting this way because of his depression. Other than these times, he's very caring and seemingly happy in the relationship, and we have a lot of fun together. I love him and want to be there for him if he is battling with depression. Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated.

Cassie66 Frustrated with husband
  • replies: 2

My hubby was diagnosed with severe depression 4 years ago, he saw his dr regularly for 2 and 1/2 years. He is on a combination of meds for it, but for the last year is just randomly taking them how he thinks he should take them cause they make him dr... View more

My hubby was diagnosed with severe depression 4 years ago, he saw his dr regularly for 2 and 1/2 years. He is on a combination of meds for it, but for the last year is just randomly taking them how he thinks he should take them cause they make him drowsy. He does this for a few days but when he gets what he calls a zappy head starts taking them correctly. I am at my wits end as he thinks he is acting normally but his behaviour is all over the place, his concentration is gone too and as he drives nights it gets dangerous. Not sure what to do anymore. He said he is going back to dr, but only to get medication adjusted, but dr said last time he wanted him to take as prescribed so he can then tweak them properly, how can I get hubby to understand and actually do this. Not sure I can do this much longer with him.

Roblyn Supporting 22 year old with depression for 8 plus years
  • replies: 6

Hi , I 'm hoping I might be able to pick up some helpful hints to assist our beautiful Since the age of fourteen she has been struggling with , what has most recently been diagnosed as atypical depression . Amazingly she finished high school with goo... View more

Hi , I 'm hoping I might be able to pick up some helpful hints to assist our beautiful Since the age of fourteen she has been struggling with , what has most recently been diagnosed as atypical depression . Amazingly she finished high school with good marks. She is currently enrolled in a university course (part time distance) that started this year, but previously has dropped out of full time studies twice . Since leaving school , she also held down a full time job for18 months. My husband and I are very supportive of her , but wonder if she is ever going to get better and be able to stand on her own two feet . She lives with us, and we support her financially and in every other way we can , but she's just not living life as she should be . The main way her illness manifests is through a lack of motivation and energy. Sometimes she barely moves from the couch or bed all day. A lot of the time she appears to have the best of intentions , but just can't bring herself to see things through . She constantly complains that she feels tired. Over the years we have explored a number of options. We live in regional Queensland where a psychiatrist appointment is a two to three month wait. She is onto her third psychiatrist . While the last two have been okay , she really likes this one. She has tried over the years a half a dozen or so medications, but none of them have really brought the improvement we are hoping for . At one stage we pursued naturopath visits, and at the moment I am reading a lot about the gut and it's relationship to depression; wondering if there is some other undying contributing factor, although she has had full bloods done on at least a couple of occasions. When she was about 8 she had a bad accident where she had total parental nutrition (fed intravenously ) and I read that this can lead to a lack of biotin which can lead to depression etc , but then think blood tests would have picked this up . We try to keep her diet pretty healthy , but she has an appetite for junk food . She was meant to attend a psychologist but only went for one visit . She has been told that exercise is good for her , but doesn't do it . Generally she is a lovely girl and we get along with her well, but at the moment , I have a bit more time and am pursuing what else I may be able to do to assist her . I try not to push her too much , as she can be stubborn . I only push her on things I deem really important. Any suggestions would be appreciated .

Peach07 Panic attack help
  • replies: 2

I posted a few days ago regarding my partner who suffers with severe anxiety and depression. Last night we had a great chat about how he was going to give work a go today as he hasnt been for 3 weeks. As soon as his alarm went off he started panicing... View more

I posted a few days ago regarding my partner who suffers with severe anxiety and depression. Last night we had a great chat about how he was going to give work a go today as he hasnt been for 3 weeks. As soon as his alarm went off he started panicing and had a mid range attack, we have figured out ways to calm him slowly so we did that and he is now sleeping. My question is how can we get him to work, he really wants to go and when he doesnt he feels like sh*t which then makes him feel more depressed. Has anybody got stories of how they overcame this ? We have gone through similar times in the past but this time its been 3 weeks and im unsure whether he will loose his job, if he does I know it will just make him feel worse. Thank you

Nerdyfiance Unsure of what to do next.
  • replies: 4

Hi Everyone, I'm not overly good at writing things down, so bear with me. I am currently the primary carer for my fiance who is struggling through a combination of emetophobia (fear of vomit/vomitting), anxiety, depression and mild agoraphobia. This ... View more

Hi Everyone, I'm not overly good at writing things down, so bear with me. I am currently the primary carer for my fiance who is struggling through a combination of emetophobia (fear of vomit/vomitting), anxiety, depression and mild agoraphobia. This all began two years ago when a suspected bad reaction to a birth control pill resulted in a prolonged period of random nausea and vomiting. After stopping the pill under her doctors advice the nausea remained, being compounded by her fear of vomiting. This resulted in her constantly being anxious that she will get nauseous at all times. The constant fear of getting sick has added extra fears of doing things she could easily do before, such as driving and going shopping due to her getting randomly nauseous doing these things in the past. After about 6 months of this nausea and plenty of doctors visits yielding no answers about the cause she started to become very depressed. At this time her doctor prescribed her medication and drew up a mental health plan. The medication had a violent negative reaction to her system and she was taken off it after two days, and the psychologist she saw refused treatment without medication. It took 6 more months of encouragement to help encourage her to try again with a different psychologist and medication. This time she tried different medication and got along with the new psychologist. Around her 4th psychologist visit she was referred to a psychiatrist to re-evaluate her medication since she had been prescribed a "blanket anti-anxiety medication" and needed something more specialized. As much as I would like to say this went well, it didn't, she was brushed off by the psychiatrist who reported an "all clear" back to her gp and due to financial difficulties we have been unable to continue psychology. Through this whole process I have been researching everything I can about anxiety, depression and emetophobia in an effort to support her through this as best as I can. I've taught myself everything from massage to guided grounding techniques. Lately these things have started to feel less effective and it's seeming like, despite both of our best efforts, she has been going backwards lately. I know that our next step is to resume psychology with and try again to have her medication re-evaluated. But in the mean time, does anybody know anything else we might be able to try in order to help her move forward because I'm really feeling like I'm bashing my head against a wall at times.