My husband has depression

Dexter_elvis · ‎09-07-2017

Hey everyone, I am new. I joint beyond blue as my husband has depression and it's ruining our relationship. I feel as though I am his punching bag. He is this amazing, strongman but his depression is crippling him. I'm his punching bag and he knows he is doing it and always apologises after but I'm a always walking on egg shells. He has seen someone for a couple of sessions then stopped and has agreed he should be on medication to help him but it's a slow process getting him to do anything. Last weekend he was telling me he was struggling with this life and that I am this amazing person this week I am the worst person in the world and he is over our relationship. We will be fantastic for a while best friends then he gets upset and says horrible things and won't have anything to do with me. I want to help him get through this as he is such an amazing husband but I just need someone to help me know im not alone. Thanks everyone 🙂

kanga_brumby · ‎09-07-2017

Dexter&elvis Welcome to beyond blue forums. Firstly it is not acceptable that you husband uses you as a punching bag. He may have a reason, but that is no excuse for violence. He needs help, you need safety. Your safety comes first, so you can be there to support him through what he is going through. Sometimes it needs tough love to get the right action to help.

Kanga

Starwolf · ‎09-07-2017

Hi Dexter & Elvis, welcome to the forums.

No, you are not alone and you have come to the right place...well done for finding the courage to share your concerns.

Your husband is lucky to have your support, though he sometimes finds it difficult to acknowledge. But I agree with Kanga...there is no excuse for using someone as a punching bag. He needs you right now but he also needs to understand his behaviour is unacceptable. Confrontation will only end up in unhelpful emotional outbursts. Withdrawal usually works better. It may help bring home the fact that his attitude is unacceptable. Besides, those with depression often need to be given space.

It is a shame he didn't continue his therapy sessions. Would he agree to joint relationship counseling ? Advice is often taken more seriously when it comes from a neutral professional.

If not, please take good care of yourself and do not hesitate to seek counseling for yourself. Caring for someone with a mental illness does take a toll. Struggling alone is too difficult and unnecessary. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find a section about Helping someone (including Looking after yourself). You are doing a terrific but demanding job. You need and deserve all the support you can get. Do you have someone (close friend, family) you could have an in depth talk with ?

Carers Australia (1800 242 636) can be accessed by copying this link into your browser :

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

Meanwhile, navigating the forums will help you connect with people with similar issues. And if you just need to let some steam off, this is a safe space to do so. Venting frustration out can be therapeutic. Rest assured you will be heard and understood.

Dexter_elvis · ‎09-07-2017

Thanks for the replies.. i should have said 'emotional punching bag' although either one is just as bad. I have suggested this but he says it silly qnd that we don't need it. Last week I had a text from him saying he was struggling with life so I came home from work to talk to him and help him and he agreed he has depression and needs to do something. I told him he should look at going on medication that will help calm him and relieve some stress. He agreed to this as well but he hasn't gone to the doctors this week and I feel like it's going to be like the coucelling all over again which took a year to get him to.

geoff · ‎10-07-2017

hello Dexter&elvis, no you're certainly not alone by any means because either form of abuse is not good, but there maybe a fear that his emotional abuse could turn into being physical, that's always the worry.
He maybe too frightened to go along to his doctor, so you could book a date and tell him that you will go with him if that's what he wants, if he refuses to do any of this then the situation will still go on and on, that's not what should happen, and you can't force him, simply because he won't open up to his doctor and may refuse to take any medication.
It is sad that he has to decide whether or not he wants to get any help and if this does happen then the other option is to tell him to leave, sometimes this makes people realise that hey something has to be done.
The most important issue here is that you need to look after yourself that's your first priority, whether this means seeing someone yourself, taking medication or living by yourself that's a decision you need to make. Geoff.

Starwolf · ‎10-07-2017

Emotional abuse doesn't leave visible scars but the mental/emotional damage left by any kind of abuse is the same. The longer it lasts, the deeper it runs and the more difficult to heal.

The fact that your husband has admitted to having depression is a step forward. But as long as nothing is done about it, it will only be words. He acknowledges that living with it is difficult. Perhaps it is time for a dose of tough love. Letting him know that his behaviour could push you away may be the motivator he needs to become more proactive.

No one can be responsible for another adult's decisions. You are doing all you can to help him help himself but you can't make him do so. Sometimes courage and determination are not enough. Then retreat is the bravest, wisest option. Please make sure you do not wait till your inner resources are depleted. Do not hesitate to seek guidance and support for yourself.