I'm at my wits end with my partner and his depression

[Julie_a]

Now where do I start: I've been with my partner for 8 years we are taking some time out right now. We live an hour from each other seeing each other every weekend and some week nights. He's been married with 3 kids in their early 20s separated for 12 years, very bitter breakup and still is. He's had depression for quite some time maybe 4 years now after his mum passed away, but I think he's had it a lot longer but was able to contain it. These last four years have been so frustrating as he's such a caring thoughtful man, he'd wash and polish my car or suprise me with a night in the city, always doing things for me that I so appreciate, but the next day he can be cold and pick on me for little things like if I've dropped something I need to be more careful even though it was an accident, telling me I have no friends,telling me to go home if I don't cut up the meat for the pasta sauce the way he wants me to, I find myself lashing out and getting very angry and frustrated so I go home and we don't talk, I get stonewalled till he feels better, he knows he has depression his doctor has confirmed that but he won't take it further, and refuses to take any medication or see a therapist, instead stays in his pjs all day watching show after show not showering and not going out, it's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off, part of me feels guilty for getting so angry with him but I can't stand and I won't take his unreasonable crap he dishes out, I don't know whether to leave him and scare him into getting help, he is one of ten kids he's close to one sister that's it. He's close to his kids but does the same to them with his sarcasm, it's like he doesn't think of what comes out of his mouth and then has to suffer the consequences when people bite back at him, sometimes I'm not sure whether he has depression or bipolar 2, his father was abit like him but his father was a mean man a lot of the time. Now I'm finding myself angry and frustrated a lot of the time, sometimes I just feel like running away, I still love my partner very much but this is becoming all too hard

[Guest_989]

That's sad to hear, I'm sure he is struggling too.

In terms of getting him to seek help, have you suggested attending the psychologist with him? Or even the GP?

Sometimes people want to get help, but need the strength of others to help them move forward

[Fairywings]

Hello there and welcome xx depression / mental illness will do this to a person. There is def unresolved issues there that your partner has to work through i think to some point grieving maybe taking its toll on him and your relationship. I would see if your local gp can do a home visit and get him started on some meds he may not realize that he needs them alot of suffers need the support of their friends family partners to help them move forward and get better in know it's hard for you but it will be even harder if nothing is done about it. Can you contact his sister in which he is close too and try and tee something up with her it's important that he gets the help he needs now and thru his own eyes may not even know he is in a point of no return unless he gets help. Please take care of yourself and keep reaching out to us we are all here for you xx Venessa

[geoff]

hello Julie, I'm sorry this can be always be so upsetting for you because you're not quite sure what sort of mood he is going to be in, where it could be great or when his mood is down, so you're never sure what to expect.
Whether or not he has BP only a doctor can give him that diagnosis although he still has depression which makes your situation very difficult and it's not comforting I'm sure, however from what you have told us it may appear that he does have BP, although I can't give him any diagnosis, but after suffering for many years it's possible that we could say this, well it's something I would tell my brother.
If he won't take any medication and I presume refusing to see a psychologist, then there's not much you can do to help him, he has to make that decision by himself and even forcing him won't do him any good, so you now have to decide whether or not you are going to leave him, hoping it may shock him into getting help.
Personally I think that this is what you may have to do, it doesn't mean that you don't love him, because you do, but you also want him to get the help he needs, and if you do leave then he may take awhile before he realises that you aren't there for him and before he decides to seek help from his doctor.
You can still keep in contact with him by phone or sms if you want, because I'm sure that's what he will be doing with you, but you have to remember that you want him to get help, so if you go back to him then you're back to square one. Geoff.

[Julie_a]

Thank you for your feedback, yes I've offered to go to his gp with him, and I've looked up therapists in his area and sent him the link but obviously to no avail, he's one of ten children but only talks to one sister, who I have spoken to, the thing I find hard to deal with is how do you explain to people that he has depression when they themselves don't see or live with it, when we socialise you wouldn't even know he has it. The sister I've spoken to isn't going to tell him we've spoken as it might cause him to become angry so here I am back to square one with really no one to talk to about this, a year ago he had a fight with one brother he was close to and the brother turned around and told that there was something wrong with him and he needs help, and they haven't spoken since, to me it feels like his family think 'his problem not ours'

[Julie_a]

Thankyou Venessa, I feel really comforted with all your replies to my post, I didn't know who to turn to. My partner has I think always had an anger problem whether that's due to the separation of his marriage, his mother passing away, he's a tradesman and sometimes work can dry up and that keeps him home and probably boredom may bring depression on, for the last year if we are out driving and he becomes annoyed whether it's the person in the front car driving too slow or may have cut him off, at the set of lights he gets out of the car and will tell the driver what they're doing wrong and I've told him many times doing that is dangerous the person may have a gun or a knife, as for his family out of ten kids he's close to one sister whom I did talk to the other day but she will keep it quite in case he gets angry, so I'm back to square one, I think his family just think he's an arrogant bastard they have no idea that it's depression, a year ago he was close to one brother he told his brother that he only rings him when he wants something, now even I know that's not true his brother has helped him a lot of the years, this brother told him he's mentally unstable and needs help, so this is where I'm at, i can't make him seek help that's got to be his decision

[Julie_a]

Hi Geoff Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me, I think my partner feels that he just needs that time out for himself then when he feels better he just comes back to being the caring thoughtful beautiful man he can be, and that's when it's so hard to not fall back into that loving relationship that we have, and then the cycle begins again, a week ago we went out for dinner he was loving and affectionate as he always is, the next day the transformation of his personality was like he was a walking zombie able to do things with me but his mind a million miles away, the colour of his skin and his facial expressions told me something is seriously wrong, I haven't seen that, a change in someone's facial features and skin as strange as it sounds, I was so converge I asked him a number of times Are you ok his rely was just be patient with me, and I understood that. The transformation of his personality when in the grips of depression is heart breaking because I can't do a thing to help him, I'm becoming angry and frustrated like him, I don't want to be like that and the only way for me to stay sane is to stay away and live my life

[Fairywings]

Thanks for coming back to me xx yes your right he will have to hit rock bottom b4 he even thinks he needs help. As hard as it is for you to watch this happen its the only way. You have given all you can now it's time to look after yourself xx please take care of yourself Venessa

[kezza_187]

Thinking of you and feeling your frustration. Unfortunately you can't help someone that doesn't want help. I am in a similar situation and go between worried, angry, frustrated, fed up then back to worried.

I don't have advice at the moment as I am trying to find my way also, but just know that you are not alone. It sounds like it's time to put yourself first until he is prepared to seek and accept help.

Xo

[Croix]

Dear Julie~

I'm replying to your post you wrote today in your new thread.

I'm very sorry you are still in the same situation and your partner has not improved. It's a very sad thing.

Unfortunately as others have said your options are very limited. While you can be supportive and understanding it is basically up to your partner to seek help for his condition. In you posts you have mentioned trying all possible avenues, with no effect.

As someone who had had bouts of depression I know I could not improve without outside help, and it may well be your partner will not be able to either. If he does not seek this then everything is stuck.

I guess it is up to you to weigh the possibility of finishing the relationship as against holding on and hoping for things to get better. The memory of the person he was will be a very powerful influence, however his nastiness now is something nobody should have to endure.

The other important thing is that you need support yourself during this trial, do you have your own family or friends to share this burden with?

Croix