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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Maggie_M My husband has become emotionally detached since taking medication.
  • replies: 3

I noticed my husband change several weeks ago. He used to be very loving towards me but has become cold and detached. I thought he was having an affair but found out he started taking medication back in May. He didn't discuss this with me and I can't... View more

I noticed my husband change several weeks ago. He used to be very loving towards me but has become cold and detached. I thought he was having an affair but found out he started taking medication back in May. He didn't discuss this with me and I can't believe how much his personality has changed since. Example, he would always give me cards with lengthy sentiments regarding our relationship. I just had a birthday and for the first time in 25 years, he didn't even get me a card. He didn't acknowledge our 20th Wedding Anniversary either and when I cried in front of him he had no empathy whatsoever, he told me he didn't feel like celebrating it and walked away. Of course he may simply have decided he no longer cares for me but I cannot believe how out of character his behaviour is since starting this medication. I feel like he has just checked out of our marriage but I am thinking the medciation has made him like this or is it just a coincidence? When I tried to talk to him rationally, he says he feels nothing and is just numb. He said he has been suffering from anxiety which I know is caused by stress at work. I really don't want this to end but I can't bear this to be our future. Any advice would be appreciated....

JC62 My son has cut me off
  • replies: 18

I raised my son and oldest daughter as a single parent after their father and I split when they were 2 and 3 years old. My x-husband had little to do with the kids and only saw them sporadically over the years. They are now 30 and 31yrs. I've now als... View more

I raised my son and oldest daughter as a single parent after their father and I split when they were 2 and 3 years old. My x-husband had little to do with the kids and only saw them sporadically over the years. They are now 30 and 31yrs. I've now also got a younger daughter (their half sister) with my partner of the last 16 yrs. My problem is that my son has stopped contacting me (though is still in touch with his older sister) and has made it clear he thinks little of me/us. He has only seen his younger sister 5 or 6 times since she was born.He was married last year and we were excluded from any preparations and were only sent an invite 6 weeks before the event. On the day, we were very much in the background and for me it felt like a sad day rather than a celebration. We have a complex family history and over the years, I tried shielding the kids from the difficult issues, but he has been filled in on details by his father and other relatives. He ihas been very angry with me for this on and off over the years and I believe is very bitter. These are not circumstances that I can or anyone else could ever have changed. At times, he has caused a lot of tension between me and family acquaitances by sharing his anger about me and some of this personal information. Im at a loss as to what to do about this situation. I can't appeaL to his wife for help because I don't think she is sympathetic to me (our) situation and I don't want to use her to sort out our problem. Sometimes I think he might one day resolve his anger, but I see that as time is passing, any resolution or reconciliation is less ans less likely. I become very anxious at times knowing I might never see him again. jc

Projectindigo Trying but not succeeding .... advice please
  • replies: 1

Hi, I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. He is a good person and treats me well when the depression isn't there. Our relationship has been a challenge with both of us experiencing pain traumatic situations in the past (his mother passed away a fe... View more

Hi, I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. He is a good person and treats me well when the depression isn't there. Our relationship has been a challenge with both of us experiencing pain traumatic situations in the past (his mother passed away a few months prior to us meeting & I had came out of domestic violence). Despite the emotional challenges we faced, we were determined to work it out and overcome our pasts. He had experienced depression off and on and I have had an anxiety disorder which I am managing. We both work shifts but try to spend time together when we can. The last few months my partner has struggled with depression. He is lethargic, no sex drive and shuts off mentally. I try to talk to him and understand what is going on for him but he says he can't put it into words. I am really trying to be there for him but it's taking it's toll on me. I know it must be hard for him to feel like this but it's a struggle for me when nothing I do seems right. He accuses me of not being there and says I only care about myself and how his depression is affecting me. I try to explain to him that it's difficult to understand when he won't talk to me. He gives me the silent treatment and comes up with all these imaginary scenarios in his head which make him more depressed. I tell him that if he is worried about something to talk with me so I can talk him through things but he won't. He says he doesn't know what to say, which I understand but I am getting tired of him saying I'm not there for him when he won't let me be. I feel so helpless and I really do want to be there for him but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely and like depression is taking this wonderful man from me and there's nothing I can do. I have spent nights crying because I feel frustrated. He doesn't see what I am going through behind the scenes but still accuses me of not caring. How do I talk to him when he shuts me out? How do I be there when he won't talk to me about things? I am feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle and not sure how much longer I can go on before I get depressed too.

Gigi1981 Living with a depressed husband?
  • replies: 1

Hi there, my husband has been suffering with depression for years which basically shows in at least one massive outburst every year and also general unhappiness sometimes. During these outbursts he questions everything, tells me a lot of hurtful thin... View more

Hi there, my husband has been suffering with depression for years which basically shows in at least one massive outburst every year and also general unhappiness sometimes. During these outbursts he questions everything, tells me a lot of hurtful things and leaves no doubt on his doubts. He has told me so many painful things he believes are going wrong, that I am not sure anymore whether this is just depression talking or whether he may be depressed because of those things going wrong. Especially in our relationship. He holds things against me that seem miniscule, like me not liking to drive our car (although I do and can) and he makes those issues big reasons why he struggles. He told me he struggles every day with the thought of issues in our relationship at the moment. Things like him potentially wanting kids and me not, me loving travel and him just wanting to hide away at his mum's etc. He is chopping and changing from excited about our upcoming holiday to telling me that he only plays excited for me but finds the thought of travel terrible and exhausting. Hhas, in the past, sought help from psychologists and we have twice gone to counselling together. Every time it helped, however, it was just never a long-term help and relief. We do not seem to break the cycle with him having depressive tendencies that come back up after a few months of help. And I understand that this happens given that depression is a matter that can be managed, yet not cured. I have spoken to him again yesterday and after some initial resistance got him to find help for his own sake. So he will be reaching out to his EAP and a few other options today and I really hope it will help and last. In the past, he went to a few sessions, kind of felt better but then stopped. I do not believe anymore that occasional help is enough. I think he will need ongoing support, maybe even medication (which he is likely not open to). Although he only has annual big outbursts, he is constantly unsure about things and doubting them. The only reason why he has outbursts is because he bottles things up over the months leading up to it. So that makes me wonder whether he actually feels truly happy at any time at all. And I am coming to a point where I can’t help but feel that maybe he truly is in the wrong relationship. I am generally happy with him but if he just isn’t, maybe it’s not because he is depressed but because we are really not good for one another. I just really don’t know what to do.

Matala S/O depression?
  • replies: 2

Hello, I have posted on this forum before regarding my own problems with mental health over a year ago. I managed to get treated and have been feeling relatively normal and positive about the future. I am writing here now as I am concerned about my p... View more

Hello, I have posted on this forum before regarding my own problems with mental health over a year ago. I managed to get treated and have been feeling relatively normal and positive about the future. I am writing here now as I am concerned about my partner of 8 years. I don't want to go into too much detail as I don't want to write allot for people to read. The main issue is that recently he has become withdrawn and doesn't engage me unless i ask him something, his response is usually blunt, I think that he may be saying whatever he thinks will stop the engagement from going any further. He has been sleeping allot, avoiding his duties with his school work. He has been drinking alcohol for a while, recently that has been replaced with marijuana and the last week or so he has had abused valium. The other behaviour is that he is constantly on the internet and has no interest in anything else. My attitude shifts between trying to motivate him to being completely accepting and looking after him unconditionally. I have tried talking to him about the possibility of "depression" and he will say he is completely fine and that I am wrong about all of my concerns that indicate a mental health problem (drinking, taking drugs, withdrawn behaviour). It was kind of concerning that he denied many things that he had said/done which can be backed up with online conversations, and it made me think that perhaps I am crazy, he also sort of blocked out that he has any potential problem and that I was the one that one with mental health problems and should see a psychologist. Anyway, I actually feel a bit worried about my mental health now, because I after this conversation I am starting to feel upset and doubting my mental health, his belief that I have problems seems nuts because before today I have been happier/more relaxed than I have ever been. Anyway, I don't know what to do.

Lette At a loss of how to help my mother who constantly lies
  • replies: 3

Hello all I'm new to this and a bit nervous about laying all this bare. My mother is always struggled with her mental health. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and had numerous breakdowns over the years. Our problem is that she constant... View more

Hello all I'm new to this and a bit nervous about laying all this bare. My mother is always struggled with her mental health. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and had numerous breakdowns over the years. Our problem is that she constantly lies about everything and especially about her health. She lies to health professionals and we truely think that she believes these lies. We are even in belief that she made up a cancer diagnosis and had numerous prophylactic surgeries( it's a very long story). She is currently very fragile mentally and seems delusional and manic. She has told us that she is seeing a psychiatrist and has new meds but all has since been proven to be untrue. She tells my father and my siblings all different stories about her treatment. Every time my poor father wants to believe her but time and time again it is not so. We are worried about this current episode as it seems far worse than others. Physically and mentally she seems to be very unwell. How can you help someone like this? We are at a loss and it seems to be she truely believes she's on the right track with treatment when in fact she isn't getting any at all. I'm so very upset for my mother as it would be horrible to live like this. My father and two younger siblings live with her and and are all struggling with day to day life that all revolves around my mum, her illness and constant lies. Does anyone know what we can do to help her? Can we force evaluations or treatments? Where do we stand? Thank you for reading and I would be so very grateful for any suggestions or advice

Daveyb My wife just doesn't understand
  • replies: 5

My wife gets annoyed and upset and all she talks about is how my cyclothymic/deppressive episodes affect her and the children. The other day I forgot where my children were when I had to pick them up after school - it literally took me five minutes t... View more

My wife gets annoyed and upset and all she talks about is how my cyclothymic/deppressive episodes affect her and the children. The other day I forgot where my children were when I had to pick them up after school - it literally took me five minutes to remember they were at a friend's house. She says I simply need exercise and fresh air, and a positive mental attitude" - and acts as if I bring it all on myself, and I'm after attention. I sleep a lot when I'm depressed, and I also get extremely forgetful - and she sees this as lazy and careless. She treats me like a burden and an idiot (probably not deliberately, but that's how I feel). But when I'm "up", I feel top of the world and everything's great. My depressive episodes are lasting longer; perhaps I've tipped into bipolar. I have also had a serious muscular injury which has resulted in not being able to exercise at all since february, and I am missing the entire soccer season, which was something that really made me feel good. I have put on 5+ kilos since. Won't be able to even jog for a few more weeks, and she's throwing advice at me for that too, like she's an expert. I can't try talk to her about it anymore. Are there any resources I can point her to, other than places telling her to "help me get some fresh air"? Thanks in advance, DavieB

Wifeofbipolar Bipolar husband has broken law - pushed to limit
  • replies: 7

Hello this is my first time writing here.I feel like I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like I need to walk away, whilst also feeling the need/guilt to help him. For 6 years my husband has been diagnosed with bipolar 2. There have been ma... View more

Hello this is my first time writing here.I feel like I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like I need to walk away, whilst also feeling the need/guilt to help him. For 6 years my husband has been diagnosed with bipolar 2. There have been many ups and downs, but I'm always there to support him. Late last year though things changed. He would start rolling his eyes (looking out of it) and deny any drug use instead saying it is a change in his bipolar medication. I then noticed he must have been taking way more than the prescribed amount as I would see a pack with many tablets and then they would be gone quicker than they should be. I've spoken to him and he makes excuses. I've spoken to his mum and she makes excuses for him also. Late last year I forcefully took him to hospital when I thought he had taken something and was saying wierd things. He denied taking anything so hospital thought the may have meningitis, which was never proven. I feel as though perhaps I've developed a mental health issue dealing with everything that's going on and holding it all together. I have no desire to leave the house. My husband does see a psychiatrist but thinks he knows better than them. I am worried about my husband being alone around our kids and the psychiatrist even said he's not in the right state of mind for the responsibility of looking after 3 kids and making responsible decisions. Somehow he manages to continue to work in his own company, allowing me to make sure our children are safe. A few months ago we had a knock on the door and it was police and riot squad with a search warrant. Devastatingly this Showed that he had been using drugs not prescribed for him. Still awaiting what is to happen. I feel that despite the bipolar, what my family has gone through is unacceptable. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I worry for my kids now and feel I can't continue to support him any longer.

Andrew-P How to help when no help is wanted?
  • replies: 3

Hello all. I am glad this forum exists, Beyond Blue exists and you all come and share your thoughts. Its nice to know we are not alone. I have moved to Australia with my wife this year. She has always suffered from anxiety. So much that it gets in th... View more

Hello all. I am glad this forum exists, Beyond Blue exists and you all come and share your thoughts. Its nice to know we are not alone. I have moved to Australia with my wife this year. She has always suffered from anxiety. So much that it gets in the way of her hapiness. She worries about every little thing and every little obstacle in her life becomes a reason for panicking and running away. Her parents noticed the syntoms when she was very ill, back in the day when she was a teenager. Since then, she has been to psychologists and these have reffered psychiatrists. She never went to a psychiatrists though. She is sure there is no hope for her and that we all need to accept that is who she is and that there is no changing that... I guess she is right from that perspective and I wouldn't be trying different ways to help if she were in peace with who she is. She suffers, she claims she is always sad and that the little hapiness she has in little moments are always supressed by the feelings of failure, fraud, and so on. I would like to ask you what is the best way to help her? I have been to psychologists with her, but she claims they can't help her and that the reason she is going is because of me, not because of her. I have tried letting it go and allowing it to be, but it always comes back to tears, sadness and screaming when any challange comes her way. Several here have felt like this before. Feeling hopeless and not wanting help from anyone. Feeling like it is best to be alone... What are you advices in how to deal with this? How to help her? How to show her she is not alone (like she claims) and that there are ways in which she can live without all this pain inside her? Thank you.

jamaine need to talk
  • replies: 4

hi I am a mum of what was once a lively buetifull and full of life girl , until she went to high school and all went down hill, she being diagnosed with anxiety and depression and also self harms, I just don't know how to help her , I feel like all I... View more

hi I am a mum of what was once a lively buetifull and full of life girl , until she went to high school and all went down hill, she being diagnosed with anxiety and depression and also self harms, I just don't know how to help her , I feel like all I have done for the last eight months is cry and get on with things the hardest part is thinking that she would just get over it but I know now that its not going away with out help and support, and we have got her help but she won't talk , we scared to leave her home alone , in the last month visited emergency department twice ,why we keep asking our selves , thanks for listening just needed to talk to someone