S/O depression?

[Matala]

Hello,

I have posted on this forum before regarding my own problems with mental health over a year ago. I managed to get treated and have been feeling relatively normal and positive about the future.

I am writing here now as I am concerned about my partner of 8 years. I don't want to go into too much detail as I don't want to write allot for people to read. The main issue is that recently he has become withdrawn and doesn't engage me unless i ask him something, his response is usually blunt, I think that he may be saying whatever he thinks will stop the engagement from going any further. He has been sleeping allot, avoiding his duties with his school work. He has been drinking alcohol for a while, recently that has been replaced with marijuana and the last week or so he has had abused valium. The other behaviour is that he is constantly on the internet and has no interest in anything else.

My attitude shifts between trying to motivate him to being completely accepting and looking after him unconditionally. I have tried talking to him about the possibility of "depression" and he will say he is completely fine and that I am wrong about all of my concerns that indicate a mental health problem (drinking, taking drugs, withdrawn behaviour). It was kind of concerning that he denied many things that he had said/done which can be backed up with online conversations, and it made me think that perhaps I am crazy, he also sort of blocked out that he has any potential problem and that I was the one that one with mental health problems and should see a psychologist. Anyway, I actually feel a bit worried about my mental health now, because I after this conversation I am starting to feel upset and doubting my mental health, his belief that I have problems seems nuts because before today I have been happier/more relaxed than I have ever been.

Anyway, I don't know what to do.

[Starwolf]

Hi Matala, good to meet you though I wish it would be in easier circumstances.

First of all, well done for being proactive about you own mental well being and achieving terrific results. Now it seems your partner is showing signs of inner unrest but refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. Right now, he needs you. He is lucky to have you, though he probably doesn't realize this.

Unfortunately, denial is not unusual. It is much easier than confronting a disturbing issue, so is blaming everyone else. There's a risk in looking after him unconditionally that it would cause him to assume all is well and continue to shun responsibility. On the other hand, too much insistence on your part would only make him dig his heels in. A delicate balance...

There is little you can do to make him admit he needs help. I'd suggest you copy the K10 test (top left of this page in the Facts section). If asking him to take it is too confrontational, leaving it lying around may do the trick. It doesn't sound like he is ready for joint counseling sessions but it may be worth a try...without mentioning mental issues. Advice from a neutral professional is usually taken more seriously.

This difficult situation is taking its toll on you. Please take good care of yourself as you don't need the extra stress to cause a relapse. Do not hesitate to seek counseling for yourself. It would help you shed the doubts which are beginning to erode your confidence. Making yourself the priority means you will feel stronger within yourself and more able to cope with pressure, worry and frustration. There's a lot resting on your shoulders, you need and deserve all the help you can get.

[Matala]

Thank you for your reply.

My partner has been to mental health practitioners before, I think a part of him is a little sceptical that they can help.

My partner said to me today after I got home that he "thinks he has to take medication"(meaning antidepressants). He also told me that he was having a panic attack. I comforted him about what he said and said that medication could be something to explore with a doctor. He didn't want to go to a doctor today, but it seems like a part of himself is willing to see someone. It is quite sad how much someone who is really struggling finds it so hard to seek/ask for help.

I have been speaking to my GP about these problems and have a mental health care plan, just getting around to making an appointment with a psychologist. I suppose I may be a little apprehensive to delve into my emotions around this, in some way I think I can relate to my partner.