My son has cut me off

[JC62]

I raised my son and oldest daughter as a single parent after their father and I split when they were 2 and 3 years old. My x-husband had little to do with the kids and only saw them sporadically over the years. They are now 30 and 31yrs. I've now also got a younger daughter (their half sister) with my partner of the last 16 yrs. My problem is that my son has stopped contacting me (though is still in touch with his older sister) and has made it clear he thinks little of me/us. He has only seen his younger sister 5 or 6 times since she was born.He was married last year and we were excluded from any preparations and were only sent an invite 6 weeks before the event. On the day, we were very much in the background and for me it felt like a sad day rather than a celebration. We have a complex family history and over the years, I tried shielding the kids from the difficult issues, but he has been filled in on details by his father and other relatives. He ihas been very angry with me for this on and off over the years and I believe is very bitter. These are not circumstances that I can or anyone else could ever have changed. At times, he has caused a lot of tension between me and family acquaitances by sharing his anger about me and some of this personal information.  Im at a loss as to what to do about this situation. I can't appeaL to his wife for help because I don't think she is sympathetic to me (our) situation and I don't want to use her to sort out our problem. Sometimes I think he might one day resolve his anger, but I see that as time is passing, any resolution or reconciliation is less ans less likely. I become very anxious at times knowing I might never see him again.  jc

[white knight]

Hi JC62 welcome

Life can be really hard. I sympathise with you. And I dont beleive you can do much to help the situation.

I have the same situation with my youngest daughter 22yo. A poisoned mind from her mothers revenge. And I know there is nothing genuine for her to have such reason.

It took me 5 years to accept that I wont see her again. Since then, about 3 years now, I am happier that I've moved on with my life. I have an older daughter 26yo and she is the love of my life along with my wife of course.

Some things in life is out of our control. I wont do as she has done to me. If my youngest ever contacts me and wants to meet she can. By driving to my home and talking here. I will never go out of my way again merely for the disappointment that comes from it. And if she ever has children.....I've told her "I cant be a grandfather to your children until you are a daughter to me".

So, as hard as it is try to move on. Fill your life with other people. But I would send him a short note "If ever you feel like contacting me to inform me of what I've done wrong to you please do. You know my address. I will always be available for that chat".  And leave it at that. Let him be.

Tony WK

[JC62]

Tony, thank you for your reply.  Im sorry to hear of your loss and frustration at not being able to change the outcome with your daughter.  Unfortunately, your message is not filling me with much hope.  We were a close and loving family and now things have shifted the other way with fractured relationships because my son has issues with me.

 I live in hope that things will change because at the moment, I cant bear no hope that my family will be back together again. J

[Trish_M]

Hi JC62,

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I have a similar story. I found the reply from white knight to your letter was very helpful for myself too. 

The Beyond Blue forums have been an amazing source of strength so please stay in touch, you will receive measured advice from great people. They are spot on as they have "walked the walk" too.

At times when my depression was particularly bad and I was withdrawing from regular social contacts, the forums were a wonderful way of staying in touch with the world in a non threatening way. Great advice, soothing balm for the soul and mind.

Take care JC62.

Kindest regards Trish

[JC62]

Thank you Trish. I agree, opening up in a non threatening environment is good. I was able to raise things that I can't in a conversation with family or friends. There are so many threads to this that it is hard to articulate and not get dragged down 'what if' paths. Jc

[white knight]

Hi JC62

Of course the ideal answer to your original post was to offer ways to get your son to change his mind. We dont know him nor his grievances. Nor can anyone change another mind.

The other side is if he never comes to you to discuss things. And the years roll on. And the heartache continues. And thats where my post was pointing because if that senario occurs you can do one of two things. You can continue greiving for a person that apparently has little concern for you or you can move on (not fully of course) and save yourself some sanity.

Take care.  Tony WK

[JC62]

Thank you Tony, your advice is reassuring. Jc

[Pixie15]

Hi JC62,

I am guessing you are a strong woman. You have raised your children on your own and you are still keen to try and find some way to get through to your son the idea that you love him even though he is not prepared to stay in contact with you. It must be very heartbreaking.

It would seem by the way that he treats me at times that my son hates me. Up till now in his life he has been returning home on a regular basis because he has needed something. In between times if life is going well for him we do not hear a whisper. I believe there will come a day when contact will cease.

I cannot advise you what to do. I am myself working on accepting that I cannot change anyone but myself.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[hurt]

Hi Pixie,

I have just joined this forum and not sure how it works really. I agree with you that "we can't change anyone but ourselves", and I learned this years ago when I got divorced.

I too have an estranged son, as of last November after having a great relationship with him all his 38 years, so much so that I would tell people that my son and I "spoke the same language". About six years ago he met his wife and they married in 2013 and moved to Queensland where her family lived. Since then they moved to Brisbane and I live in Sydney. I helped him financially with his first house and then when he sold it two years ago I let him keep the money I had loaned him - a generous amount. His wife was unable to tolerate a pregnancy due to ill health and a friend offered to carry a surrogate for them, which they did, a boy being born in June 2016, at great expense!

When I saw my son last he was nasty to me, and among other things, brought up the fact "that I took him away from his father" - 30 years prior, which he had never mentioned ever before ! which was when I divorced his father, who beat me the whole 15 years we were together, a fact my son has been told. He then asked me to pay his tax bill. After speaking to my accountant, he said I couldn't afford that so I offered a lesser amount to my son. I also sent a blunt letter suggesting he ask his father who has wafted in and out of his life and given very little financially, as far as I can gather. I then had the $100 I gave as a xmas gift returned. I was very upset and saw a psychologist who suggested a softer letter which I sent in March.

I decided to offer an apology for being a bad mother as he said he was very unhappy in his teen years when I was a sole parent. I also spoke to his brother who is two years younger and he remembered our life as I remembered our life and he said he didn't need an apology.

I decided in the beginning that I would always be there for my two boys and be "the rock" in their life but I believe my son has been totally poisoned by his wife. I believe she wants total possession of him and has gone out of her way to alienate him. To me this shows her insecurity which I can't change. What's more I can't change anyone else so I must just wait and hope that he comes to see things differently but I don't hold out much hope.

Any suggestions?

hurt

[white knight]

Interesting topic.

For many parents we find it impossible to disown our children. We even apologise when no apology is justified. This is because we go to extraordinary lengths to give our children peace and love. To deprive them of a parent, ourselves is to harm them.

I've toyed with this for many years with my youngest daughter now 24. Last year her treatment of me was disrespectful after many years of separation from my life. So what to do? What is the best avenue to take?

Its a decision you alone must make but this is what I've decided.

I will not disown her on the basis that -it would cause me more internal hurt, it would mean I'll never be able to guide her and it isnt humane. So, I will allow her to visit me at my place, nowhere else. (Because I've travelled and she hasnt showed up). If she ever has children she cant bring them. This is due to the hurt me and her children would feel if the likely happens and she breaks off again. If she attends I would not hold back on my real thoughts and beliefs. I would not be negotiable on emotional abuse of which she has adopted from her mother.

So, thats my stand.

Once over say 22yo they are real adults and they have to grow up and treat people with respect....including their parents.

Tony WK