Trying but not succeeding .... advice please

[Projectindigo]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. He is a good person and treats me well when the depression isn't there. Our relationship has been a challenge with both of us experiencing pain traumatic situations in the past (his mother passed away a few months prior to us meeting & I had came out of domestic violence). Despite the emotional challenges we faced, we were determined to work it out and overcome our pasts. He had experienced depression off and on and I have had an anxiety disorder which I am managing. We both work shifts but try to spend time together when we can.

The last few months my partner has struggled with depression. He is lethargic, no sex drive and shuts off mentally. I try to talk to him and understand what is going on for him but he says he can't put it into words. I am really trying to be there for him but it's taking it's toll on me. I know it must be hard for him to feel like this but it's a struggle for me when nothing I do seems right. He accuses me of not being there and says I only care about myself and how his depression is affecting me. I try to explain to him that it's difficult to understand when he won't talk to me. He gives me the silent treatment and comes up with all these imaginary scenarios in his head which make him more depressed. I tell him that if he is worried about something to talk with me so I can talk him through things but he won't. He says he doesn't know what to say, which I understand but I am getting tired of him saying I'm not there for him when he won't let me be. I feel so helpless and I really do want to be there for him but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely and like depression is taking this wonderful man from me and there's nothing I can do.

I have spent nights crying because I feel frustrated. He doesn't see what I am going through behind the scenes but still accuses me of not caring. How do I talk to him when he shuts me out? How do I be there when he won't talk to me about things? I am feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle and not sure how much longer I can go on before I get depressed too.

[white knight]

Hi pi, welcome

Its not an easy fix. But I hope I can suggest some ideas.

Sometimes its difficult to know if his abrasiveness is relationship related or illness related. A counselor might help.

Its also hard to kniw if his frustrations are environmentally related, job, home living etc. What about career and sports, hobbies? Is he being fulfilled?

Couples are different but my wife (she also has depression, I have it also and bipolar2), often suggests to go for a drive in our vintage car to a cafe 15 minutes away. This changes our surrounds, cheers me up driving my cherished car and we relax over a drink and have an agreement, that we dont get upset while talking about problems. There is rules though, we must be warm and supportive and we have to respond to questions.

He has to realise he is in an adult relationship that demands sound communication levels. If not then sorry to say, a relationship will be under threat.

Use google to read these threads

Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Tony WK