Supporting my adult son with severe depression & alcohol abuse

[JPH68]

My beautiful 27 year old son has been battling depression for about 8 years - has seen therapists, been on medication, improved for a while but never full remission. Then he started drinking - to cope or to forget or pretend to be happy & normal. Lots of awful nights spent looking for him, when very intoxicated he has tried to self-harm. He has been in & out of employment, fractured relationships with his brother & sister. In and out of living at home - I felt by allowing him to stay at home and by cleaning him up after episodes of binge drinking etc - that I was enabling this destructive behaviour. He moved out over 12 months ago - the drinking and depression have continued to get worse and I feel guilty that my 'tough love' may have contributed to this. He has ew friends except those who are also heavy drinkers. My husband is chronically ill & unable to work so I am financially supporting us. My 'friends' don't seem to know how to help me with both sick husband and son so many just don't contact me which really hurts. Finally, out of the blue, my son asked for help just over one week ago and has been in a detox & rehab service for 7 days. I know this is just the beginning but am hoping that finally, he will begin to understand why he has been so self-destructive, why he hates himself so much and that his life can be so much better, healthier and happier. I find it difficult to sleep, as worrying about him has been going on for so long. Nightmares about his attempts. But I remain hopeful, I have to as I love him dearly. Thanks for listening. Helga T

[solabear]

Hi Helga and a big warm welcome to you

Thank you for sharing your story with us and my heart goes out for you. You certainly have a lot on your plate, it's a really tough time for you.

Hopefully things will get better for your son, just stay positive. You sound like a very strong woman, but it's important to take care of your needs as well. We are here to listen and support you as much as we can.

A restful sleep is very important in order to stay strong and cope with the challenges in your life right now. You said your having nightmares, which is an indication of stress and anxiety. May be you can talk to your GP about your situation and ask for advice.

Make sure you take time for your self and find time to relax, otherwise you burn out and it will be more difficult to cope. Also healthy diet and supplements are important, magnesium and vitamin B is good for relaxation. Eat lots of bananas and green salads with avocado is very nutritious.

Take care and my thoughts are with you

Look forward hearing from you again

Sola

[Croix]

Dear Helga~

I'd like to join Sola in welcoming you here. While there are no instant answers to be found people here understand and care.

I'm sorry at the continuing situation you face on many fronts. Your son may be the title of your post, but you have so much more; your husband, financial/work pressures, your other children and friends that are not really there for you.

One of the biggest pressures on you is you. By that I mean if there was always a clear path to take, and it was just a question of having the resources to do it then life would be so much simpler and easier. Unfortunately that is not the case. We second-guess our actions and have doubt we are doing the right thing, there is no rule book or past experience to show the way.

This self-doubt is not justified. You are the person on the spot, you know your son, you know as much of the circumstances surrounding everything as anybody - probably more. You are motivated by love and care. This means what you have done and what you will decide do is the very best there is. My saying this won't stop you feeling guilty at times or worrying deeply, but at least you can see others think you are doing right.

Sola is right - you are a vulnerable link in this situation and really need looking after. Your GP is a very good first step. Personal support is gold. Is there anyone you can talk properly with? Someone who cares, wants to support you and at least partly understands. You need to lean, on the medical side and on the personal, you have a huge burden to share. Good lifestyle, sleep and support are key.

It's great your son is in rehab and asking for help. That asking is a fantastic first step and unlocks so much more. I'd not be too disappointing in friends. The way we are brought up does not equip us to face life's tragedies and not knowing what to do does make people shy off - feeling helpless, guilty and also being afraid of making things worse.

Have a look around this Forum to see how others have coped. If you need further information on your son's condition have a look at The Facts menu above. Don't forget our 24/7 Help Line listed above is here for your use too; where competent warm professionals are happy to talk.

I'd be very happy if you felt at enough at home with the caring people here and so were able to talk more

Croix