Wife suffering with OCD and family impact

[Aussietor10]

My wife was diagnozed with OCD about 2 years ago. Particularly horrendous intrusive thoughts specifically about me. We have talked about this alot and while I understand they are part of her condition, I would be lying if I said the didn't hurt me deeply. But we are working through it.

 Fast forward 1 year and I was made redundant from my job. Whilst my employer at the time insisted that it was nothing to do with my performance, I always had a nagging feeling that I wasn't being told the whole story. Fast forward another year and after finding a great job with a fantastic company, questions were again raised about my performance. 

 I finally made the decision to get some help and was diagnozed with Depression about 4 months ago - which pretty much explained why my performance had dropped so much. This is now being treated with meds and feeling much better. According to my doc, this was triggered by my wife's OCD diagnosis ( due to the nature of it). We have discussed this and she understands (from what she has told me) this.

 She is going through a particularly hard period at the moment and all I feel is guilt......

 I should not have told her about my condition.

 Would her life be better if I was not part of it?

 I feel like I just cause her too much pain considering the subject of her intrusive thoughts.

 I rationalise this every day and say that this has nothing to do with me. It does get hard...

[Zeal]

Hi Aussie,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear of your wife's OCD diagnosis. I've had OCD since I was 13, and now I'm 23. It was severe at points during my teen years, but is more manageable now. I take SSRI medication (helps serotonin reuptake), as my lack of serotonin is a contributor to my OCD. I don't have intrusive thoughts as part of my OCD, but know that this is unfortunately a fairly common symptom. It is certainly understandable that you are hurt and bothered by these disturbing thoughts your wife has about you. As you would probably know by now, these thoughts don't reflect her true thoughts, and disturb and confuse her as well. OCD is a debilitating and complicated illness. I recommend getting a copy of The OCD Workbook by Bruce Hyman and Cherry Pedrick. I was given a photocopied and bound version of this book during my stay in the mental health ward of a state hospital.

It's unfortunate that you've been struggling at work. Your depression diagnosis, as you say, definitely explains this.  Please don't feel guilt at telling your wife about your diagnosis. I truly believe you did the right thing, as it's important for you two to be honest and open with each other. This way, she will be able to better appreciate what you're going through, and realise that you both need to support and be there for each other. Right now, it sounds as though she cannot even manage her own illness. However, telling her was still important. Her life would not be better if you weren't with her. Support from loved ones (even if it doesn't feel like you're able to do much to help) is really important. Your depression developed as a consequence of being a carer for your wife. It's not her fault or yours. It's unfortunate that you both have a clinical mental illness. It's crucial now that you both keep seeing your GP's and/or other health professionals.

You are right in saying that your wife's intrusive thoughts are not occurring because of anything you have done. Her illness is wreaking havoc with her mind and causing these unwanted thoughts, against her will. OCD is complex, so I really recommend The OCD Workbook.

Best wishes,

SM

[blondguy]

Hey Aussie and thankyou for posting..

You have done the RIGHT thing here by telling your wife....That was a sound and caring decision...Not to tell her would have been very counter productive to your relationship Oz.

Your wife needs YOU now more than she ever has....her mind is tired..she is unwell and needs you very much..The intrusive thoughts are common as in OCD itself...You are strong and kind to be there for her 🙂

The intrusive thoughts concern you...yes...but she isnt well...You do not cause her pain....her thoughts are..

Rationalizing all this continually is automatic as you are an intelligent and kind person Oz...It can though be counterproductive to your depression and your wife's OCD

These 'mental illnesses' are real...but they are still chemically based...which does very much make them a physical disorder....the symptoms are psychological sure...but try to be gentle to yourself during this difficult period Oz. Do you both have any basic therapy once a week/fortnight? Even if you have GP that you are both comfortable with....nag her/him and talk....it will assist in you 'struggling and rationalising' over and over

The depression is common Oz and will lessen in intensity as time goes by...I have also been made redundant due to depression effecting  the high standards that corporate australia require re performance..

Please be kind and gentle to yourself Oz...Your wife's OCD created the subject matter of the Instrusive Thoughts....not her

We are here for you Oz....and congratulations too a your new position...Nice1

Paul

[ci]

Hi aussietor10

Feel for you thought my perspective might help you I was diagnosed with ocd in the past year but struggling bit over 2 years with it.

I don't have a huge amount of intrusive thoughts mine is more fear based contamination and germs ect but when I do have intrusive thoughts they are to do with people I love dearly.

After great deal of thought I realized that I think intrusive thought  has to do with fearing the worst thing possible to happen worrying about loosing the ones love the most in this world.

Not sure if that makes any sense for your wife's  thoughts. But please don't take them as a negative feelings towards you ocd is cruel.

I'm so sorry you are depressed  but you did the right thing it would kill me to find out my husband was depressed and hadn't told me he is such a support for me and I would want the opportunity to do the same for him I'm sure your wife is the same.

take time out to care for yourself I know us wives can be demanding. 

Well done for getting help for yourself as well I know how hard that is I  would love to get my husband to see someone I  worry he is becoming depressed  but no luck.

Take care