No idea how to proceed...

[Mr_Redline]

So. Bear with me whilst i lay down some back story:

My mother is a narcissist. It took me 35 years to work it out. I spent much of my life blaming myself, my environment and those around me for my moods, anxiety etc and it wasn't until I discovered this issue with my Mother that I have been able to do anything positive about it.

Ultimately I ended up breaking up with her. It was FREAKIN' hard to do and it made everything worse for a while but she left me alone for nearly a year in which time most of my troubles have faded away. It's confirmation to me that I was justified in ending our relationship. It goes against my nature to ever blame someone else for my issues but in this case it seems to have had merit. We kept contact minimally for the sake of my daughter and spoke via Skype on special occasions but otherwise nothing.

 I received a message today from her saying it's killing her to be shut out and she wants to reconnect and try to talk out whatever the issues are. 

How the hell do you tell a narcissist that you left them because they are a narcissist. I want to be honest but I dont want to bring back all the anxiety and I dont want to destroy her... Part of me wants to reconnect but Im worried it will be pointless. It's a narcissists nature to deny any fault. I feel like if I continue to shun her I'll be doing the wrong thing. If I reconnect with her there's ALL sorts of potential disaster waiting... It gives me anxiety just thinkin' about it...

 ANY advice is welcome...

[mauricethesecond]

Hi Mr Redline, penname Maurice here.

That sounds really really tough. I'm sorry to hear your relationship with your mum is so challenging. I have a difficult relationship with my dad, so I can relate a little bit to the experience of breaking up with a parent--I did this with my dad too, and the guilt was phenomenal. I now talk to him again occasionally, but most of the time when we talk it's just a source of great irritation and distress to me, because he refuses to change.

Anyway, in your situation, I think that it is very important for you to take care of yourself first.

I would encourage you not to try to reconnect until you feel strong enough, and ready to do so on your own terms. Even then, it might be helpful if you were to lay out some terms of what you are and are not willing to discuss? In writing, if need be. And maybe even outline what you will do if your terms are breached. You have a right to be respected, and a right to your privacy!

Be strong my friend. You need to do what is right for you.

[Mr_Redline]

Thanks for the reply!

I'm leaning towards opening up communications via email. I'm WAY to inarticulate verbally and I'm sure it'll just end up with a big eff you and a disconnected call if we chat on the phone. I just don't know if I should skate around the issue and tell her what she does to me and how I want her to proceed and avoid the term narcissist or just drop the N bomb and see what happens...

 It stresses me out but I figure I've gone through the hard part of blocking her once already and I know at the very worst I can do it again if need be. To be honest if it wasn't for my daughter I'd never have anything to do with her ever again but my daughter loves her and I think it's unfair to stop my Mother from having a relationship with her grand-daughter. I refuse to use my daughter as currency against her as well...

Bah. I might have to sleep on it for a bit....

[pipsy]

Hi Mr Redline.  The hardest part of dealing with narcissists is - dealing with them.  Narcissism is a very specific  condition, first and foremost, but it's the most difficult condition to deal with because the person with the condition seldom, if ever, admits to it.  Narcissists never see themselves as having anything wrong with themselves, it's always everybody else.  No matter what you say to her about setting boundaries, etc she will only see this as you denying her, her basic right to re-enter your life.  You can put into practise everything mauricethesecond has suggested, but be prepared for the Martyr act.  Perhaps talk to her via phone/skype first, to get an idea how she will behave.  You said you have kept in contact via skype, but you've kept it at a minimal.  You can't tell her you stopped contact because of her condition, this will bring out the Martyr.  Maybe learn a bit more about the condition before you re-establish contact, so you're ready for anything she throws at you.  The more you learn about coping skills, the better you will be at communication.  Narcissism covers a huge area of behaviour, you have to be prepared for however she behaves. 

Tony a.k.a  White Knight recently made a list of behavioural issues concerning narcissism.  Maybe studying these might assist you.

Best wishes on this one.

[Mr_Redline]

Hi Pipsy!

Thanks for replying!

Yeah the more I look into NPD the more I DONT want to use the word "Narcissist" when chatting to her. Of course this makes it even harder to work out what to do. She says she really wants to "talk" about why I cut her off in the first place so I either have to make something up or just touch on some of the issues and hope for the best... I think I'll try to vague it out a bit and then monitor the situation from there. If it gets bad again I'll have to do a more drastic separation I think...

Oh yeah - this is gonna be heaps of fun... not! he he

[pipsy]

Hi.  I agree using the word narcissist is going to immediately cause more problems than you need.  Perhaps if you write down something about what you want to say.  The reasons why you cut her off are important to you, but she does need to know what she did and said to hurt you.  By writing something down, you may be able to fend off unnecessary attacks from her.  You know her, you have some idea how to say what to her.  Take your time getting in contact. 

[Carmela]

Hi, you have received some great advice from Pipsy and Mauricethesecond.  If l was faced with a similar situation, I would meet up at a suitable location and set some boundaries that she would need to respect. What these needs to be are up to you. If she refused or you notice that she is going back to her old ways, l would pick up and leave.

I think it's important to have the conversation face to face as emails can be misconstrued; you cannot see body language or mannerisms.  I am not one to live with regret, so I would give her the final chance and if nothing seems to have changed, then move on knowing you have done your best. 

All the best - Carmela