I want to help my wife

[Camconfused]

Hello

I am a husband who is lost and does not know what to do. I have 2 children 9 and 6. Their loving mother has been diagnosed with clinical depression 10 years ago. Through reading this site I have learnt why we do not go to BBQ's anymore or why I have lost my friends. She has no friends. Mainly due to my wife not wanting to associate with other's. I find it hard that she will still go to all of her work function's. It is a stretch to go to the neighbours for a drink or meal. This Christmas things escalated with my wife having a screaming match with my sister as well as reducing her own mother to tears over a basket of washing. We have great time's where every one is laughing to one hour later and the kids are screamed at for spilling a drink. And I mean screamed at not just a normal scream but a scream that is not warranted. Me I seem to be a great person or the next day hated like an enemy. I have talked to her about getting help and have offered to go with her. I can tell when she is really bad. She looks grey in the face. The thing that really annoys me is in one moment she will be so angry and yelling at the kids to a knock o the door from the neighbour. She will be smiling and happy and laughing. Then the neighbour is gone and then watch out. I like to think I am a good man but hell this is really hard to stand. 

[Guest_1695]

Hi Camconfused,

I am a wife who has suffered many decades from depression and have a husband also with depression. You mentioned your wife was diagnosed 10 years ago with clinical depression, has she received counselling, help and advice since that time?

I am certainly no expert at all, but I know when I am depressed, I can not turn my feelings on and off as quickly as your wife seems to be able to do. Maybe she is suffering from something else as well as the depression. Would she be willing to attend an appointment with your DR to discuss this?

Have you read the factual information here on this site regarding depression? Beyond Blue have some wonderful material. It might also be beneficial for you to use the phone help line and chat with someone. They may be able to make suggestions of how you can get help for your wife.

It is a shame you have lost relationships. Is there any chance you can catch up with your mates now and then? Both my husband and I have friends we see independently of each other. I am happy for him to catch up with his mates as he is happy for me to see my girlfriends.

Can you spend some time with your children alone? Take them to a park, to the beach, play ball together in the back yard if you have one. Build up your relationship with them. They may be struggling to understand why their Mum is acting the way she is. They may need reassurance.

My Mum suffered terribly from depression and other mental illnesses when we were kids, she not only yelled at us, but belted us as well. We had no idea why that was happening and Dad was no where in site.

Talk to your Dr yourself, phone Beyond Blue, Life Line or the Men's Help Line. Get all the advice you can. Your wife needs some serious help, as do you and the children.

From Topsy

[blondguy]

Hi Cam and good on you for posting...Nice1

Just a quick note first....Depression or not...There is no reason for you to be screamed at..Life is tough enough as it is Cam....The screaming is crossing the line....period...

* councelling...yes...now

* 10 years....If I may ask...has your wife had any councelling?

* Grey in the Face....Interesting...I get like that when I am having difficulty...possibly exhaustion

* The kind and bubbly face at the door that your wife has......She only misses her 'old self' and her self respect

* I have social phobia and probably 1 or 2 friends...tops...sound familiar?

* You are a good man Cam...and when you wife closes that door and you mentioned 'Look Out'....You dont need to be 'punching bag'

* If I can again please ask you another question....Are you willing to accompany your wife to her GP/councellor?

I hope I have been of some help Cam...this disorder is a pain...BUT...your wife can help herself by letting others help her....including to start with her GP.....

If you need anything please just post on here and I will pick it up.....(there is no excuse for screaming Cam..ever)

Kindest Thoughts and you are strong for posting on here.....That was a smart move

Please let me know how you are going (if you wish of course)

Paul

[geoff]

dear Cam, we often scratch our heads at to what extent depression can take us, we ask questions, we assume answers,
we doubt what we think and we doubt what others say to us just to pacify us, because they have had no experience in dealing
with depression and what it's like to have to go through it, that's not to say that they don't want to help you,
because they do, and even the most valuable of our friends can be struck down with having depression and in your case it's
your wife.
You want to know why she goes to work functions,talks to a knock on the door from a neighbour seemingly to be nice and OK,
but then suddenly turns into a completely different person, well it now becomes frustrating and probably annoys you, and
my ex wife used to do this and then not talk for a couple of days.
The trouble with my ex is that she didn't want to get any help or take any medication, so her situation was never able
to change, and although she divorced me for my own depression and self medicating with alcohol, she had her problems.
I'm only mentioning this because your wife needs to see her doctor, not only for her sake, your sake and the children who
must be a bit frightened and feel insecure.
I hope that you can keep posting back to us and let us know how you are going. Geoff.

[Carmela]

Hi Cam,  it's a tough road to travel when a partner has depression.  I have been with my partner for 18 years and depression has always been a close companion (never a wanted one of course).  Receiving some form of help is paramount for your wife to manage her depression.  Have you spoken to her about how you feel when she gets angry?  The approach needs to be a gentle one but communicating to her about your feelings and how her behaviour is affecting you and the children is important.

What are you doing for you and the children?  I hope you are not putting your happiness and fun on hold because of your partner's depression.   If she chooses to stay at home, that doesn't mean you need to.  You can gently encourage her to come along.

Do you have a good friend to talk to about your feelings?  It's important to have an outlet as your pain and frustration are as real as your partners depression. 

Do you understand about depression? Being armed with information is a great way to understand depression and what your partner is experiencing.  Beyondblue has information available on line.  You might want to also consider buying a book called 'Back for the Brink too' - Helping your loved one overcome depression - from Graeme Cowan.  It's a great book covering some very useful tips and lots of case stories from other carers.

I found that the most valuable thing as a partner is to just let them know that although you don't understand what they are going through, you love them and are there for them.  A good hug every day will just cement that reassurance.  

[lifes-adventures]

Hi Camconfused. I am a wife with a depressed husband and two boys (1 and 2) and so I know a little of how hard it is to try and hold things together with children caught up in the situation. I am so sorry that you are being treated differently in private to the face that gets put on for others. You have really made me think though, my husband does the same thing, nobody outside our marriage would guess anything was wrong (on the odd occasion we do actually get to go out/interact with people) he just puts on this great show of being a wonderful husband and father and then it all falls apart when we are alone. I had just assumed that he did this because we were his safe place (or maybe I just spend too much time with toddlers so everything is about safe places vs new experiences and big emotions haha) and he didn't want others to know what was going on...now you have me thinking and it is certainly something that I should explore more so thank you very much for sharing. I am afraid I do not have much advice as we are new to this journey ourselves, but please know that you are not alone in this and there are always people willing to listen if you need to talk and take some time for yourself