Where do I even start?

[Valkyrie]

My partner and I have been together for 12 months. For 10 months now, he has been spiralling down with depression, to the point where I think he needs to go to the hospital. He has withdrawn from most of his family and all of his friends. He rarely leaves the house, and when he does it only takes a small amount of time before he can't cope and needs to go home. He neglects his physical health and appearance. He has gained weight and suffers from insomnia.Our sex life is non existent.

He has constant negative thought patterns regarding not being deserving of anything good, and he feels terribly guilty and that he is ruining my life (persistent delusion?) He says he is constantly fighting the thought that leaving me would be the best thing for me, and that he should go far away so he doesn't hurt me (emotionally) or mess my life up.

He has been seeing a psychiatrist and has been diagnosed with severe melancholic depression. He has tried 8 different medication combinations in 9 months and had some awful side effects. I think it takes an incredible amount of bravery to keep going when he is still so unstable, and there is no sign that things are going to get any better any time soon.

I find it hard to understand his headspace, and this fight that he constantly has going on with the thoughts he isn't good enough or deserving of a relationship. I don't know how to help him without making things worse. He says his modus operandi so far in his life has been to leave someone before things get this hard, and that admitting how he feels is gutwrenchingly hard for him. He hasn't sought treatment before now though, so I think this may be progress?

I miss the person I fell in love with though. I miss the intimacy we had, and the great physical relationship that's disappeared. I resent that his illness is impacting on my postgrad studies (I'm an RN, and I'm doing further study in Critical Care), and that him not working is affecting our finances. I feel guilty that it sounds like I am only worried about how this affects me, even though 99% of the time it's about him.I see a counsellor twice a week and journal to cope with how I feel, but sometimes I suffer from mild anxiety, and I resent this too.

Surprisingly though, we have great communication, and have spoken about all of these issues. We just don't have any answers 😞

I can't even remember what I originally asked for help or advice with, at this stage though, I'm willing to take advice on anything, from anyone.

[Lightbeam]

Welcome Valkyrie!

Please find comfort in the fact that you are not alone on this journey.

I have loved someone for eight years now who has battled depression, anxiety & PTSD. It is really difficult to see someone you love so dearly, someone that you know to be a fundamentally great person who deserves happiness get stuck in a dark place. I wish I could give you the answers but I don't have any. The best thing I can offer is to make sure you look after yourself. I also read a lot of information on mental health to educate myself (being a nurse, I'm sure you already know a lot of this!) but it wasn't until recently that I started reading the personal stories on this forum from those who suffer from depression that I really gained an insight.

Like you, I also find it hard to relate to this dark headspace. It is not me & I sometimes get caught up thinking that maybe my lightness will magically resolve everything...it doesn't.

Having open communication is a great benefit. In my experience, this will sometimes just disappear to the point where reasoning & discussion is non-existent. These are the times I have to walk away, knowing that I am fighting a losing battle. I also have to deal with nastiness, I have learnt to not take it personally, as difficult as it is because it does hurt. I have also learnt that I sometimes have to throw the onus back to him to take responsibility for his behaviour. It is really hard in the early stages of a relationship because you want to do everything you can to help your partner find that happy place but ultimately, you can only do your best to support them.

Venting here is great! Sharing your story amongst those who are sharing the same bumpy ride is of great benefit. I often find that others wonder why you stick by someone when they are not so nice, people are quite often quick to judge.

Just a reminder, you are not alone!!!!

Take care xxx

[TheSteve]

Hi Valkyrie,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry to hear what you and your partner are going through. There are some silver linings in your story - you are getting help regularly and staying on top of it; your partner is at least trying the mental health professionals and medication options; and you are communicating. These are all signs that there is a will to get past this. And where there is a will, there is a way.

I like Lightbeam's suggestion a lot - it is critical that you take care of yourself during this time. You can not get to the point where you are co-dependent on your partner and his problems. You must remain sovereign and take care of your mental/emotional/physical being during this time. This will help you both, he will not be left behind because of this.

I think perhaps regular counseling for your partner, as well as counseling as a couple, may also help you to find new ways to deal with this situation. Perhaps it is worth raising with him? He owes you this for sticking by and gutting it out.

There could be other items at play - physical and psychological - which are keeping your partner in this rut? What do you know about his past? His upbringing? His family? His school and social life? Did this state of being have its genesis in events that have taken place in the past? Or, does it run in the family? Is it purely physical?

Whatever it is, identifying the source is critical to finding the solution. This is a game of trial-and-error. Have him see a GP and get a full, thorough physical; see a dietician and have him adhere to a diet that is tailored toward health of body and mind; exercise is critical; socializing; laughter and smiling (critical). Every day is a chance to identify the source, and work on a solution.

We are here for you anytime, please come back and talk with us as much as you need to.

Steve

[Valkyrie]

Thank you both for the support and sound advice.

I'm so grateful to have somewhere that i can vent without really making a whole lot of sense and have people understand 🙂

In response to your questions Steve, we started at the GP with a full physical and testing to make sure there were no other issues to be dealt with first. All tests came back negative or withing normal limits. Aside from check ups, this avenue has been exhausted. This is where we got the mental health treatment plan and a referral to a psychologist.

I think there is an issue with the psychiatrist wanting to get his meds right before starting counselling. All of the literature I've read concerning melancholic depression states that it's a chemical imbalance, with no triggers, and the psychiatrist agrees that there would be no benefit until his mood is stabilised. I still think that counselling to deal with the situation would be beneficial, as you have suggested. I'm hesitant to contradict a psychiatrist though.

I know that he struggles with the weight of his parents expectations, they believe that the only way to progress is through university, and he's had to defer twice due to his depression (mainly a lack of motivation and concentration) and his inability to cope with being around other people this year has played a major part in him not being able to resume his studies. He's only just, in the last few weeks, told them about what's going on. His Mum was supportive, his Dad not so much. I'm happy he told them though, the weight of carrying this alone was getting to be a bit much.

He was married to a very domineering, controlling woman, who seems to have been a perfectionist, but he's has been divorced for 6 years now. This is only his side of events though, and I have to wonder how coloured this view is by his depression. He has a son who he hasn't seen since the divorce, and this compounds his feeling of worthlessness. His reasoning is "Who walks out and leaves their son behind, no matter how insufferable the circumstances?" It seems like a perfect storm of misery.

I struggle with knowing when to push him and when to leave things alone. I love to run and go for 10k every day, but I can't convince him to even go for a walk. He says my accomplishments make him feel worse, even though he's proud of me.

I constantly feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation. Is it common for people with depression to act like this?

[TheSteve]

Valkyrie,

Thanks for the additional info. It sounds like he has had some tough breaks, certainly there are many factors at play here. With the divorce, not seeing his son for 6 years (that is heartbreaking for anybody), pressure from parents etc. I am sure that much of this can be attributed to the compounding situations but the dark cloud has become so thick and constant as to have actually changed his habitual outlook on life.

I am no doctor, so please take this as nothing more than my view. Stabilizing one's mood is quite critical in enabling a person to start peeling back the layers of hurt, reconciling the feelings, and starting recovery. This is a good plan IMO. If he has been transformed (because he sure was not born like this, is my guess) to think and feel this way, then a reverse transformation is equally possible given appropriate conditions, support, and will.

Setting small goals - exercising with you, changing diet, forcing himself to get up and lead a basic day to day, losing weight, forcing himself to laugh and smile etc. is critical. These will build confidence and give him back some independence, and lead to bigger goals - seeing his son, going to uni, getting work etc. This is a process, to be done with baby steps. Relying on the psychiatrist as part of the solution is a good plan, but he needs a holistic plan that encompasses more than this.

And yes, it is common for depression to do this to people. Let's talk it out if you think it will help, small goals, small steps. You can do it, so can he. All the best.

Steve