What next??

[Dee_C]

My boyfriend was finally formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few months ago. While I couldn't be happier that he finally accepted that there was an issue and is trying to get help, he has started leaning on me a lot. I'm happy to support him but he's become dependant on me, despite his insisting that he isn't. He's been using me as a crutch, a default solution rather than trying to help himself. He's been insisting that I'm a better solution than his medication and it's starting to worry me. I know he would never hurt me, but I feel so much pressure to help him it's scaring me.

What should I do?

[geoff]

hi Dee, it's great that your b/friend trusts you but you aren't qualified to understand what he actually wants from you, except to lean on you and try and support him, but long term it will become much too complicated, because he will be seeking your advice on a certain problem, but you may not have any answers for him.
Medication is long term and what would happen if you go away for a few days without him, even though he may want to go with you, but circumstances may prevent this, then he has no one.
Maybe you could say to him that he thinks as though you are better solution, however if he takes his medication then he will get better sooner.
He has to go and see his doctor, with you if you want, and get them to refer him to a psychologist, and for the doctor to tell him that a psych would offer more help than you are able to give him, not meaning that you are no help to him, but if his doctor says that it would mean so much more coming from a professional, in other words you have to try and get him to seek help away from you otherwise the relationship will become strained.
Can I ask you how long this relationship has been going on for, and sorry if that does upset you. Geoff. x

[Cornstarch]

You haven't said how long you guys have been together so I don't know what the dynamics are of your relationship and what patterns started early, but as far as mental health goes you are wise to be concerned.

Unfortunately when people experience such awful things such as these friends and family who have good hearts and good intentions can actually unknowingly create another problem. That problem is learnt helplessness. I've seen it in marriages and unsettlingly with young people. The parents are so worried that they over compensate, go on cash splashes because they feel guilty, or partners do just the same and even begin to shrink their social circle. Social support is one of the most important things for the carer and the person who is unwell. You can get these horrible situations where the person actually becomes worse in the long term because of how it was managed and the ripple effects this has on their self esteem and confidence.

I don't think all GPs understand the huge effect learnt helplessness has on mental health outcomes. That said I think you guys need to engage a mental health nurse, or psychologist or psychiatrist and attend an appointment together to ward off defensiveness. Maybe you could go first and say exactly this, that I'm concerned learnt helplessness will become engrained and I want to avoid that to maximise his chances of a full life and recovery. You're not dobbing him in, all you're doing is taking seriously the behavioural impacts of mental illness which can be just as a powerful determinant of health as getting the medications right.

Good luck, I would engage with a detached third party to help open the communication. Some community mental health nurses are even willing to come to the family home.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Dee C,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

I'm glad that you're trying to help your boyfriend but sorry that he's being so dependent on you. It sounds like he's finding it very easy to use you as a support which I can understand would be draining. Even though your support may be what he feels he wants, it might not be what he needs.

One thing I'm wondering is if it would help to identify how you feel he's being dependent on you; what does he do/say? i.e. is he not helping with housework, refusing to go to work, not taking showers -

I think that talking to your boyfriend would be helpful; - an idea of what you could say might be "I'm concerned that you're not getting out of bed and going to work" as opposed to "you're too depressed to do anything". This way you can both clearly see what's happening and that you're concerned.

It might also help to brainstorm with him about what he feels might help; is there a reason he decided to not start/stop the medication? Perhaps there could be something else that could be helpful - and more long-term. There are also lots of ways to manage depression that don't involve medication, so ensuring that he has a good GP is important.