Husband with PND

[MadameMeow]

Hi! I have a 5 month old baby boy and I've just realised that my husband is suffering from PND. He's recently started a new high pressure job that has him working longer hours and a bit of travel. I feel like this job has triggered a bit of a breakdown. He's been much more distant lately and upon questioning him he has stated that he doesn't feel any connection to his son and no passion for anything in life including me. I'm devestated honestly and had no idea things were this bad. He says he loves his son and me but feels emotionally numb. He's had a rough past which i think has perpetuated this. His father was quite abusive and committed suicide when my husband was four. He says this isn't an issue but I beg to differ. We also went through two years of male factor infertility and eventually conceived through IVF. Naturally he has supported me through all of that and I couldn't have asked for a better husband and support. But I feel he's been strong for me a so long he's neglected his own mental health. He's been very involved with his son until this point however recently he just has no interest. He's agreed to see a psych and that's a positive step. He's booked in for two weeks time. I'm really struggling to help pull him out of this and am devestated for both him and my son. He said yesterday that he thinks my son and I would be better off if he left which is just not true. Any words of comfort or advice? Thank you

[kanga_brumby]

I will try. When my partner had our two children she had a physical disability. I had to care for her and both the children. People would say I had taken on to much. No one actually stepped in to help physically or otherwise. One or two did most would only criticise not support. I was so exhausted I lost interest in sex, going out to listening to live music just having fun with friends. The kids grew up,my partner unfortunately passed away when the kids were small. That made it a lot harder bringing up a girl covering all her issues. when she became a woman. But covered that well. Just let your partner know you are there for him, and still need him there for parenting advice Most parents are just winging it. hoping we do it better than our own parents.

[pipsy]

Hi MadameMeow. Your hubby lost his won father at a young age, so had no idea how to be a father. He possibly feels afraid to connect because he is scared. You went through a lot to have this baby, and until he was born he was 'not real' to your hubby, if you get my drift. He never connected with his father and possibly feels inadequate as a father himself. The PND you mentioned would possibly be because of an inbuilt fear of how to provide for a baby. Babies are unknown quantity and fathers particularly can be unsure how to hold them. I've seen fathers hold their babies at arms length because they're scared of hurting them by holding them the wrong way. When he commented that you would be better off, that is fear talking. As the baby grows and becomes a toddler, and starts wanting to be with 'daddy', your hubby's natural father instincts to connect will take over and he will want to spend time with your son. It's good he has recognized his need for counselling and hopefully the psych will guide him through this and help him connect too. As kanga_brumby said, let him know he's wanted, work with him, encourage him to connect with your son. Babies don't come with 'how to' manuals.