Trying to help a Mate

[Worried_Mate]

Hi All

For about 2 months, I have been trying to help a mate (of 25yrs) through what I think is depression,

He's just under 50 yrs old

He tells me through boredom, he started with gambling, which resulted in losing all his savings, to my knowledge around 100k,

He has a house, 1yr old Car, Motorbike, and a job

normally, he is a strong willed person, intelligent, stable, and the rest

I am speaking to him on the phone 1-2 times a day, just to see how he's going, he tells me his head feels like its going to explode, and he says he feels like he's losing his mind

currently I am just listening and I talk to him about the positives he has, and that he will look back and reflect on this time of life

i,m unsure if this is helping, but he says Sorry about all of this and thank you very much every call

Just this morning I mentioned calling B/Blue, I sms'ed him the number while on the phone to him,

I have discussed this with my wife, so she can tell me if i,m going of track

I suppose, I would like to know what may arise, what may come up next, if any, and any other things to try ?

Is 2 months at the start or in the middle?, and what stage is he at ?

Cheers

[JessF]

Hello Worried Mate,

Firstly, you're a wonderful friend and reaching out for advice like this, on top of everything else you're doing, is a great thing.

Unfortunately depression is not a thing with stages like a physical illness. It very much depends on the individual person and in my experience it's very rare for someone to be deeply depressed without there being other things going on in their life that have contributed to it in some way. It's not uncommon to get older, passing into a different stage in life, and to feel hopeless about where you are compared to where you thought you might be.

Trying to tell a person with deep depression that they should focus on the positives is not always helpful. Sometimes the best thing you can do as a friend is to resist the urge to try and fix everything, and just listen. It can be really awful and uncomfortable to have to listen to what's going on for someone, but believe me it is a hundred times worse to be experiencing those things yourself.

Based on what you've said, I think I would be more concerned about his gambling habit. If he were to lose his other assets as well, then things could get very tough for him.

If boredom is a driver for behaviour like gambling, then spending time with him keeping him distracted and making sure he's getting out of the house would be a great way to help. You've been friends for a long time, what do you normally do when you catch up together?

[Hang10]

Hi Worried Mate,

Lovely words form JessF, I agree with all she says. Gambling for a lot of blokes heavily is I think in some ways trying to fill a hole or hurt. The rush of a win gives that boost of confidence and self esteem but as we all know that don’t last and continuing gambling leads to lost and heavy hangover downs.

Has your mate lost something in his life or had a setback of some kind. Just the all of a sudden interest in wasting money to me kind of in his life he lost something and money can’t replace that.

Keep an eye on him, try general talks and keep an eye of sudden mood changes. Maybe going out camping or some mates time that don’t involve clubs and pub etc might help him get out of the zone that heavy gamblers can get.

All the best.

Hang10

[Worried_Mate]

Hi JessF & Hang 10

Thanks heaps for your reply(s) and advice, All noted Thx

He says he has stopped the gambling, due to having no money to do so , along with knowing he has lost a lot of savings, He is deeply disappointed with himself about this, I have mentioned about the support groups for gamblers, even saying I will go along with him, his reply are,... I just don't know what to do !,...my brain is going flat out

When we get together we usually have a few beers and talk about anything, I have asked if he would like to go for a game of golf, or go for a fish, he says he just can't do it

When this all started he stopped drinking alcohol, This was his decision, a good one I think

Note,...Alcohol has never been an issue with him, always controlled

You Guys are correct on the gambling , he keeps referring back to this,

I have tried, (and I am), just listening, I am not pushing any ideas on him ,.. just mentioning them to him

again thanks heaps for the chat

I'll let you know how it goes

Thx

[blondguy]

Hello Worried Mate

You are a legend for having the TLC to post about your friend.....Good1

JessF posted so well above regarding depression/gambling

I had a mate ( in corporate) that also had similar issues you mentioned. He was on a package of $150K in 1998 . He asked me if he could board with me because 'his child support bill' was leaving him 'broke'

I knew this guy for 20 years and he was broke...his chunky salary was gone on the pokies as soon as he received it fortnightly.....Not saying that what your mate is going through of course...

Can I ask if he has the flexibility to 'gamble' during the day in conjunction with his work commitments?

Just a note WM...The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post...as you know anyway !

You are a serious legend of a mate....Great to have you with us (thumbs up!!)

any questions are more than welcome WM

Paul

[Worried_Mate]

Hi Paul

Thanks for the reply,... He does have the ability to gamble 24/7, He was gambling on the horses/trots/dogs, ... worldwide, and all hours of the day,

He mentioned that SportsBet, actually called him to check and see if the amounts he was betting is ok, and he knows about them, (money hungry ars***les, but that's another issue)

Since him talking to me about it , he says he has deleted the "app" on his phone,

Whether this has happened , I don't know

He has mentioned , " If he could just have another bet he could settle his mind and get back to normal"

My response was, " That's a lose/lose situation," ... I went on to say,.. "Ok, if you win , you will most likely bet and lose again , and if you lose, you will be in worst situation than you are now"

I don't know if I am saying the right things, I try to make suggestions , rather than "you should be doing's !"

He hasn't said anything other than , I,m sorry and Thank you

I sat with him for 2-3 hrs yesterday evening, small talking, and occasionally about the gambling and the losses

Just this morning I asked if he would like to go do a bit of fishing, or go for a walk, he is not wanting to go outside the house, But on the phone an hour ago, he's warming to the idea/s

Thanks for listening

[blondguy]

Hey WM

No worries at all and thankyou for taking the time (again) to care and be with us (thumbs up!)

You are doing everything possible....(and then some!) to be there for your mate and serious kudos to you! Everything you have mentioned to your friend and your care factor is absolutely spot on.

Its a bonus that he is warming to your suggestion of going out for some R&R....Thats the best a friend can do for his mate

I didnt want to draw comparisons in my post above..It was just what this mate of mine did to me when he was addicted to the pokies....

Pokies...the dogs... GG's or SportsBet..(ugh!) are all enticing to anyone that has a predisposition to being an addict of any shape or form.

I just didnt see the red flags when my mate started to ask for 'a meal' or to 'borrow' a few bucks..I guess I was too trusting...Of course I provided what he asked for....oh crap!

You are a gentle and caring guy WM for being there for him irrespective of any possible gambling issues

You are a legend WM...seriously..Thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family...

Just a thought WM....do you know if he is sleeping okay? An exhausted mind does have difficulty finding sleep...

Paul

[Worried_Mate]

Hey Paul

Thanks for you words, they are lifting

He says that he is not eating or sleeping,....

I have just come away from his house now, We went for a drive bought some Red Rooster for him and I sat talking with him while he ate it,...

I asked him if he has a clock radio beside the bed and can he turn this on and leave it on all night , when he starts to overthink,... just concentrate on the music/Talkers,... I asked him to do it for me, he said he would,... but we'll see

I mentioned to him tonight that between us both we don't seem to be making any progress,... and perhaps he needs to get outside professional help, offering to go to the hospital with him or the doctors,.. he says "No I don't think I can do it

Besides dragging him to the car or calling an ambulance, (which he refuses), and he is 196cm/110kg, Man mountain,...I,m unsure what else I can do, I,ve asked him to call someone, BB or similar

He speaks about very little, but when he does it's always about the future, tomorrow, next week/month/year, his children (adults), his Mum, Etc. he hasn't told anyone else about this

He has mentioned things like " I don't want to die", "I will miss your mateship ", stuff like that

I don't know how to go about getting a professional to speak to him, If anyone has got any ideas, I would love to hear them, we are in Melbourne Southeast suburbs

Thanks for reading

[Worried_Mate]

Hi All

My mate has admitted himself to the hospital this morning, and is being cared for, and I suppose, being assessed, they have medicated him and he seems better, talking more than he has for the last 2 months

He is very concerned that he will be there for a long time and does not want to take the medication!

he's also asking to be moved from the mental health ward he is in,

I personally think it's a good move, at least the professionals can help, which I tell my mate this, he agrees,..But doesn't want to get stuck there

Thank you to everyone that read/listened, I will post again, keeping all updated

Cheers

[Happygoluckymiss]

Hello worried mate

I hope you don’t mind me jumping in but I have been following this thread. Firstly, what an exceptional friend and human you are. You’re one of the good ones.

And, I am so happy your friend took that step and has admitted that he needs help. He is in the best place possible to start his journey of healing and coping.

Thank you for sharing and please know there is a community of people here who will support him and you.

Kind thoughts to and and him

- happygoluckymiss