Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Supporting somebody who lost best friend

replies: 21

Hello everyone. When i first found this forum i wanted to post my story straight away asking for advice. But then as i read couple of similar posts it started to getting to me that there is no answer really. As somebody said in one post, there is no ‘manual’. So why am i writing here really? I dont really know. Maybe i wanna just get it off the chest, maybe i want people who may understand me and relate to me to read it. They say ‘problem shared is problem halved’. So let me jump to my story. Somebody close to me lost his best friend around 8 weeks ago in tragic circumstances (got shot to death) To add to that around 2 months prior to that he lost his beloved dog. That was kind if dog that was with him when he had episode of depression earlier this year. That dog battled cancer this year ( that was partially reason if that depression) When his dog was dying he said that ‘he cant live without her (dog)’ and that he will kill himself if something happens to her. So we basically can say within few weeks he lost his 2 best friends. After his dog died he wasnt really doing well, withdrawing himself, he actually had to move back to parents as couldnt stand living at his place without his dog. Now back to his friends death. After that happened he completely cut himself off. Then he told me what happened. Since then we only exchanged few messages. Last time he responded was 3 weeks ago and told me that he doesnt want anyone close to him these days. When he explained me what happened he said that he feels nothing matters, loving and caring doesnt matter anymore, that he sees future as blank space. And when his dog died he told me that after what happened he was afraid of getting attached to me (because of pain of losing). So now after losing his friend i guess he is sinking into depression. So its not only grief hes dealing with but depression. As probably that loss opened so unhealed wounds from the past. Without going into too many details i can say he was different from other kids at school. And because of that he was bullied and beaten. He lost few friends back then because of that. So i can see and i guess that feeling of losing is coming again to surface. And because of the circumstances of his friend death he may be struggling with PTSD as well. So i dont really know what im majorly dealing with here. Grief, depression, PTSD, anxiety? Mix of all? Thank you for reading. Feels better to be able to share it with people who may understand and can relate.

Depression

replies: 2

My partner drives me up the wall. He has depression, it never goes away. I’m leaving him once the lease is up. He thinks 30 minutes of work in two days is hard work! He sweeps the floor in the house or mops a floor or something like that! I work the equivalent of full time to support us! He partly has depression because he won’t get a job or do anything! I burn out because he sits on his butt collects Centrelink and watches old movies or plays computer games! When I’m burnt out it gives me depression! I actually asked for extra work tonight to just get out of the house to get away from him! He’s like I can’t find work! If he truly wanted to work he would find it because I did. You make looking for work your job and the first one you get is usually horrible. You stay there for a year get a reference then you move on after done your time. He is applying for jobs that pay at least $40-$70 an hour! Its not going to happen you need experience first! So his basically thinking about the past worked up about people who died years ago and thinking about everyone that has wronged him wanting to get revenge. Because he won’t let go of his past his lost his future and loosing me, his present and future. I wish I could walk out right now but I have to wait for the lease to end. It’s driving me nuts! On Christmas Day I worked to pay the bills he promised to cook me a dinner and go for a drive later on. Nothing happened! No presents no nothing! He was pining over his dead grandparents and farther and according to him I had no right to complain! So yeah it’s over. I’m sick of him! His depression killed our relationship!

This is difficult and confusing

replies: 12

My long distance partner is currently deeply depressed. Being so far away limits our contact to phone calls and texts. Sometimes he answers and replies, mostly he doesn't. Last week he picked up my call and spent an hour just sobbing and apologising. I didn't offer any advice, just listened, put in a few comments like I love you, we care etc. Normally he would have spent Christmas with us, but he said he can't be around anybody. After the call he sent me a long text explaining how depression feels to him, and that care and concern from others just pushes him further down. He said he was going to take his dog and head out bush to try and get a himself under control without feeling imprisoned in his house. Back to nature and solitude. He said it was best for everyone including himself, not to have contact, otherwise it would consume him and it would be too late. I replied saying I trusted he knew how best to manage himself and would be here when he got back. Now all the hours of reading I've done is that isolation and pushing people away (and he acknowledged he was doing that) is part of the illness, but they don't really want that. I texted him last night with just an update on stuff, didn't ask questions, didn't say anything emotional or Christmassy, just stuff like I was planning a road/camping trip with my daughter. No reply. He may very well be in the middle of knowhere with no phone signal. He may be hiding out at home. I've always loved this man from the moment we met, he is such a beautiful soul. We've drifted in and out of each other's lives for years, and then he'd bail. He only recently told me that this pattern of his only happens with me. We get close and then he freezes and backpedals, terrified. He has had trauma throughout his life. Do I just reach out every few days or once a week, nothing heavy? Or do I honour his request for no contact? It's so hard to figure out the best thing to do. He won't take meds, he says they make him feel like a zombie. He was seeing a psych and told me a little about that, but she's now on holidays and not back until January. His GP insists on him going in to see her, and she sends somebody out to the house if he doesn't, or calls him. Thanks for reading.

Supporting my adult son who has depression and anxiety. What to say what not to say

replies: 5

Hello, I am struggling with how to respond to my son at the moment, nothing seems to help and then I am left feeling useless and helpless to relieve his pain. Is there a "right"' way to respond to his negative thoughts?

Hurt by partner telling me to toughen up - anyone had this experience?

replies: 8

I've been posting in the Anxiety forum about my current difficulties, which involve taking some time off work. Last night my fiance (we have a child together as well) who had been angry at me and not told my why, said I should 'toughen up' and that I should be at work. He also said I didn't understand how to be part of a strong team. I feel really sad about this, and confused because of how it relates to my own internal narrative of hopeless, weak, not good at life...those things that feed anxiety to begin with. He has spoken about other people with depression or anxiety as being weak and dragging others down to their level. That was always hard to take, but I've not hidden my past experiences with these conditions from him. I told him when we met that I took antidepressants. I will be seeing a psychologist tomorrow and will of course discuss this, but wondered if anyone else has had this experience, and whether they were able to change the person's mind?

Supporting sibling with depression who lives overseas.

replies: 2

Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’m really just wanting to talk about my sister who has been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. I’ve known she’s had this for years but it’s only just being diagnosed. She’s never sought help before. She can be difficult to get along with But I am one of her only support people. We came from a very religious family so our parents didn’t seek help during her teenage years when I really wish they would have. Shes suffered terribly with her mental mental state and self medicates with alcohol. I worry for her but she hates it when I worry. I try to talk to her about going on some medication to even-out her moods at least but she constantly makes excuses. Depression and other mental health disorders are very much in the family so I think medication might really help her if it’s a genetic imbalance. I guess im wondering if anyone can relate and for any advice?? She lives out of the country so spending time with her doesn’t happen other than on the phone. I get so frustrated by her behaviour. She can be so rude and difficult and easily-offended. It’s tiring yet I know it’s due to her mental state. I try not to feel hurt when she speaks bluntly but it can be hard. She doesn’t share any of this with our parents but I know she’s had suicidal thoughts. I just don’t really know how to help her. Nothing I do seems to be quite right. I worry when she doesn’t respond to my messaging or calls for a day or so as I think she might’ve harmed herself. Thanks for reading my long, rambling message.

Depressed Dad won't get help

replies: 4

Hello, I'm only 17 years old so please bear with my level of knowledge on this topic. My Dad, who is in his 50s, has gone through traumatic experiences with family members growing up and has had depression ever since he was a child. I love my Dad and I want to be a good daughter to him but it's hard as we have clashing personalities and views and sometimes I struggle to look past it. He was diagnosed with depression but I personally believe he leans more towards BD as he has these very intense periods where he comes up with all these crazy ideas and aspirations and is really excitable and silly, but on the other end of things he is angry, irritable and bored (for lack of better term.) He always comes up with excuse after excuse for things. I like to consider myself a reasonable kid. He drives two hours back and forth every day to work except Sat and Sun, I 100% understand that this is tiring and makes you more irritable. What I can't understand is why he feels the need to force my Mum to drink, and why he is completely unable to accept when he has a flaw or issue with himself. I have confronted him about things such as his betting problems and alcohol dependence and I am always met with excuse after excuse. I can tell he's being dishonest or trying to dodge things. It's always "I'm not nearly as bad as some people" or he turns to an angry retort "You don't see me sitting down at the pub at 10 in the morning!" He is completely unable to see that there are different severities of issues. He doesn't avoid work to drink or anything extreme like that. But he gets angry so often, and even though he's been married to my Mum for 20+ years, I can tell it hurts her and she is the biggest victim of his anger issues. I feel helpless. I don't know how to get him to get help. I feel as though I've done all that I can do. I do little things like scrub his feet to remove callous, I clean his car, I clean the house, I buy him little things every now and then and I try my hardest to be a kind and loving daughter in nature. Everything I try ends in an argument and as previously mentioned, I try to stay calm and rational and rarely raise my voice unless mine is being drowned out but even then I prefer not to turn to yelling as I believe it has no positive effect. He REFUSES to get help because its "too late for him" and he doesn't ever say it in a hopeless way, its more so like he truly believes he is unfixable and that's just the way it is. Hope someone can help me.

Long distance relationship depressed boyfriend

replies: 8

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We really missed a lot each other, but we managed really good for a year, the time we needed apart. Everything seemed so righ, and going okay, we have a very intense and close relationship. He was just about to come visit, and after that, I was to be moving to his place, so we could finally be together. One week ago he broke down, he said out of blue that needed to talk to me, that things were umbearable, he started doubting our relationship and us. I was crushed, trying to understand. He started saying of maybe not coming to see me, and my life just became a nightmare. I was trying to understand and show that he was wrong, that we were so close to see, that we should do it, it would made things better and insecurity would fade away. Through conversantions, he started to change his narrative, and told me he thought something was wrong with him, that he felt lonely and sad all the time, that his life was miserable, that he did not love himself anymore, that he felt numb, apathic and could feel nothing for anything. He said it was not me, or our relationship, but him. I know his going through difficulties in his med course. Now, he is slowly driving me away, and asking for space, and being distant. When I asked, he said he did not know if he want to breakup. It is being really hard to give him space.He would go to the psychiatric friday, and we went three days without talking. He did not told me how was with the doc, which upseted me, but I tried to keep the space. Monday I send him a generic message, just saying i hoped he was ok, and he engaged conversation like everything was normal. The problem is that I was not good because of the distance too, so I had a horrible breakdown of depression and anxiety. I went to the doc, and im currently on meds, which are in the beginning and making me feel worst. So latter, I went to talk to him again, but asking stuff. It was much better conversation, it seems his already better, and he told me his doc said he needed this week to try to find himself again, the things he liked before, the things he likes alone, and he has some sort of homework to do alone, to discover something. I feel desperate about it, that he might be trying to see his life without me, that he will discouver its mine and the relationship fault, and that he must end everything and just forget me. I dont want to loose him, he is really important, and an amazing person, like ive never seen before.

Need help with 21yo son depressed

replies: 4

We have a 21yo son who dropped out of school halfway through year 12 (fine with us but we did tell him he will need to find a job) he told us he had been having suicidal thoughts from the age of 15, we got him into a psychologist a few times. He has worked 6 months out of 3 1/2 years he plays on his computer most of the time, has no friends in real life. One of the problems we have is we have 3 other kids in the house and he swears when he’s playing the computer game and I know he’s addicted, My husband and he had a confrontation at 3am, I have just tried to talk to him but he just says he will go and live on the streets. I asked him if he would go back to counselling and he refused says it doesn’t help etc. I am at my wits end I don’t know what to do anymore

depressed friend

replies: 2

About a week ago my friend went missing for about 16 hours and left me with a goodbye message. It terrified me more than anything in my life ever. He finally contacted me and told me he didn't want to keep going, I talked with him through that night til he fell asleep and he has been opening up to me more over the following days, he is a very private quiet person so I'm stoked he's talking to me about what he's been going through and he agreed to exercise and do small self help things for himself like I suggested (which is really good?) but I cant seem to feel any better. I'm extremely terrified he's going to go quiet again and not contact me again. I've also been through depression and suicidal thoughts myself (few years ago I am better now) and I keep crying when I think about what he's going through, he's an amazing person and friend and he doesn't deserve this and it's really upsetting me. But most of all I'm scared he will go quiet again, whenever I'm not in contact with him even for a few hours I feel sick not knowing what he's doing or if he's okay. Basically I'm not dealing with it very well right now, I've lost my appetite for a week, my anxiety is high and I just feel upset all the time. Maybe I just need more time to learn to deal with it I'm not sure? Some advice on how to help him feel better in general and how to make myself feel better or more relaxed about this would be extremely appreciated. Even experiences from other people and any small things they did to help would be really good. Thanks heaps.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Supporting somebody who lost best friend replies: 21

Depression replies: 2

This is difficult and confusing replies: 12

Supporting my adult son who has depression and anxiety. What to say what not to say replies: 5

Hurt by partner telling me to toughen up - anyone had this experience? replies: 8

Supporting sibling with depression who lives overseas. replies: 2

Depressed Dad won't get help replies: 4

Long distance relationship depressed boyfriend replies: 8

Need help with 21yo son depressed replies: 4

depressed friend replies: 2