Husband has depression and I feel helpless and angry

[Anonymous1001]

I've been through these forums and seen a similar heading a million times. It seems to be quite common. I have a history of depression and mental illness so I get it. I completely understand the feelings of isolation, being lost and that there is no way out. I know what to do for myself when those times come back and I feel the dark wave. Fortunately the older I get the rarer it gets, and I know what to do and when to do it (GP, MHCP, counselling - talk through it and worst case medication). We have had a lot of pressure upon us. Going through immigration red tape, in financial stress as he doesn't work, and dealing with life's normal ups and downs. For the past few years, he has hung everything on getting work but has been caught in the cycle of depression so hasn't made the 'extra steps' needed beyond sending out multitudes of emails and online applications. Things have been getting worse and worse, and he feels completely unsupported by me. I understand that and feel terrible that he feels that way, but I can't seem to give any more tea and sympathy because I feel I am banging my head against a brick wall that if I keep doing it, will collapse down over me. If I do that, then the entire family will suffer when I lose our only source of income and the ability to care for myself, let alone the pets, the house, the bills and above all the kids (from a previous marriage). I get so angry because it's not fair. He won't take medication. He won't go to counselling. I have tried soft, tender love and support. I have tried a firm, tough love approach and now feel myself withdrawing for self-preservation. He has no social outlet, no friends, won't talk to family (in another country - doesn't want to worry them) and nowhere else to go. We make small steps forward, but this all falls apart again and returns to ground zero. It just takes a gentle breeze to knock his self-esteem back a million steps. There is no resilience. What can I do to bolster myself, and try to protect the kids from his anger, withdrawal and self-depreciation?

[Croix]

Dear Anonymous1001~

Welcome to the Forum, as you saw this is sadly a common situation. I don't think anything Carmela has written down can really be improved upon. It does give a pretty comprehensive view.

I would like to emphasize two things. The first is that you have to be the primary object of your care. I guess it is easy to see that logically, but believing is something else again. It can feel like you are being selfish, or failing others, or simply not coming up to the expectations you set yourself. In some ways this is a reason for outside input, family, freinds, doctors - so you keep or gain perspective.

The other thing is that even when ill a person has to try. They have to take responsibility for their illness and seek treatment, cooperate with it and do whatever they can to ease the burden of those around them. I'm not suggesting this is easy, and not everything is possible. Even getting up can be a huge task. You can help someone, you cannot take over.

You mentioned overseas, in some cultures MH illnesses are not well regarded, do you think this is an influence here?

When I was invalided out of my occupation with PTSD, anxiety and depression I was a great burden on my partner, who had to go to work, look after the offspring, deal with all household matters, plus me. Even so occasionally I tried to help, it might be that was just to not lash out or make a cuppa for her. As time went on I followed her suggestions, ended up in hospital as a result, and gradually improved.

I'm not holding myself up as anyone special, I simply know that my making a contribution to my welfare was the key, as was accepting guidance. Although I was in the funny situation of not even knowing I was capable of love I still cared (that may not make much sense).

I can understand you have tried whatever you can to encourage your husband to seek help, with little success. That lack of success can make one feel inadequate or letting him down. This simply is not the case.

You asked what to do to bolster yourself and protect the kids. I guess there has to be boundaries. If he vents his anger then showing that is not acceptable must be the way to go. If he withdraws and has little self worth it is partly the job of medical professionals to address the problem, and with their help partly his too. You are already doing everything what you can.

My wife had her mum to support her, both practically and emotionally - do you have anyone? It can make a huge difference.

Croix

[Anonymous1001]

Thank you so much Croix. I truly wish my hubby would talk to you. You have certainly been through it all yourself!

I will keep holding what I can together that is within my realm of being able to control. I don't have anyone really. My family is small and scattered and I've not many close friends due to my own mental health issues from the past. Which is why I ended up here. I do, however, have my GP and I know myself well enough that if things are getting on top of my - I'm straight into an appointment even just to vent and get my head straight.

I can't thank you enough - and hope that he emerges the other side soon - if even just enough to get himself into the help and support he needs.

[Croix]

Dear Anonymous1001~

I'm sorry you don't have strong family support, as it does hep. I guess having sufficient self-knowledge to know when you are getting gown and going the the doctor is pretty sensible. Hopefully the doc someone you can relate with well. By and large I've been pretty lucky that way.

As for if your husband is going to turn around and get help, I've no idea what might motivate him. Does he have any family or people he respects that might persuade him? Tea and sympathy does not seem like the right path.

Do you have any ideas?

Croix