Too Soft? Too Weak? Too much a rescuing mum .. Help i need to Stop

Rainbow_river · ‎14-02-2017

Im in dire straights..his life my life must change. my adult son has panic attacks that are so debilitating & i go to pieces & I'm aiding in his avoidance & feel horrible. How do i become strong when my own son is caving in front of me. He hasnt gone past our isolated town for months & he is to scared of his Panic..scared he will hurt himself or someone in a fight/flight reaction..OK that's his issue BUT I need to sort mine. I need to get courage & strength & despite his falling to bits that i cant leave him or that he cant go with me as he is too afraid I need to leave anyway i feel this is affecting us both & my old dad who can't understand it.. my son or I! I feel trapped!

What can i do? how can i get strength to say NO im leaving? I so need your help i feel like a useless, unworthy mother & i know i'm keeping him in avoidance & me without a life. This is my issue my mountain & as a mother i'd like to hear from some mothers who might have been in my position & anyone else thank you I am desperate.

blondguy · ‎14-02-2017

Hi Rainbow

You are not useless or an unworthy mother....You are actually a legend for having to deal with what you are.

I am not a mum as I am a fella but I do understand your pain as I was 23 (In 1983) when I had my first crippling anxiety attack. They can sometimes last for a long time Rainbow.

I am volunteer here with my years of acute anxiety/depression....If I can ask you if your son has had any treatment from a GP and is he in his 20's?

you are not on your own here Rainbow....there are a heap of mums.....that are on during the day that can be here for you too

All I do know is your health is paramount......

Beyond Blue have caring counsellors available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 too!

we are here for you Rainbow even though its not immediate chat....

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Rainbow_river · ‎16-02-2017

Thanks for your reply blondguy I'm new here so getting abit mixed up how things work. Sorry i didnt reply earlier. i dont feel like a legend it feel awful & iv done all the wrong things so that hes now formed this attachment & we are now enmeshed. He got anxiety & panic in his late 20 & just turned 40. he is a lovely guy, well liked & people would not know there was anything wrong, he covers up so well. Yes he's got counselling but I've been asking him to do something about the fear of me not being around for him if he has a PA but its been left. He did report it to his Psych as she took us in separately & she told me he'd said but they just worked on anxiety on the road. Thats fine but in the mean time it was getting harder for me! Iv now told him it must be sorted & it must be worked on consistently & i am doing it if he is not. So today I went out. I left a note but shortly after he rang in a panic saying he didnt want to go backwards; i was flooding him; how far was i going; how long would i be; etc I wasnt going far i just needed space i couldnt handle it any more i go through waves of being very patient & waves of just feeling like I'm going to burst. i do burst in bits as I'm told i pick but thats because of the situation. i dont like to pick I'm not that kind of person but I'm feeling a prisoner. we talked about how i felt controled & he said he wasn't wanting to control me but control his panic how he cant have a panic attack how its the pits etc.. i feel for him but im at a point i have trouble as I'm too wound up myself. My chill factor is photography my chooks, reading & keeping busy mentally but I'm going out every chance i get but local is no problem for him so i will need to venture a bit further. Its just as much for me because iv got into a pattern that i worry if i leave i worry about him how is he going to cope what will he do will he be able to get through it...he must sort this out ...it is a MUST his X is moving to an area he cant get to at the moment so he is going to have to go to get his littls boy & he love his child I'm hoping this will give him more motivation but it a hard rd because i guess its more than motivation. Yes i started with a psych I'm going to my 3rd session its going to take more a lot more....

Pixie15 · ‎18-02-2017

Hello Rainbow river,

Sorry if I have read your posts wrong.

I also have been caught up in difficult relationships and been caught up in thinking it is all about them. You wrote "he must sort this out" and I think you are right because you cannot control him. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions just like my family members need to take responsibility for theirs. It might be good and necessary to supply a fail safe for family members to fall back on when times become difficult but I believe there needs to be a time limit or there is the danger of becoming involved in an abusive relationship. One of the difficulties today is that we more often do not have an extended family to fall back on to support ourselves. The thing I had to come to terms with is that it was my own fear and social anxiety which was holding me back. You might want to have a look at a reply that Dr Kim gave me and see if that relates to you. I will not try to tell you what to do. I will just say that you cannot protect everyone else by putting yourself at risk.

Good luck.