Isolated and Alone - Carer Support Needed!

[khloe]

Hi

Im a mother of a special needs child. My dh has complex mental health conditions & has previously been in & out of hospital. We moved last year, far from home & Im yet to make any friends as Iv had my hands full. I know I need to get out.

I developed anxiety & depression with the stress load of caring for my two cherished family members. It's hard alone & others looking from the outside don't seem to help as they dont understand/grasp the complexities.

I love my dh dearly. Probably too much! However, since moving, my son lost alot of support and his new school didnt support him despite my many requests as they should be. My sons was bullied badly to the point he was physically hit & that was the day I didnt send him back! He is in a new school now & they are great however an older student ended up grooming my son to take part in a sexual assault. Prior to this I had many meetings with the school about the older child and requested they be separated. The level of red flags going up was concerning. Although I did not believe that a sexual assault would take place on another student. My son did not get involved but the older boy took advantage of him by getting him to 'look out'. My son did not understand what was going on. To say the least, they are separated now thank god.

In the meantime i'v been flat chat supporting my son & my partner & getting NDIS approved & support services in place. I am run down. I am exhausted. I am tired. Although, because I do not go to work - according to my partner - he is sick of hearing that Im tired! I also study & volunteer at an animal shelter on a sunday for a few hours - again, that's "all' I do to my dh. Get over it attitude.

My dh has shut down, become withdrawn & isnt interested in hearing about my day. Although I listen to him about his. I keep so much inside it hurts. My dh also has begun to say nasty things -I break down & cry & he says that im 'dramatic' & leaves me crying.He says I am too sensitive. I get upset - anxiety kicks in. I just want to feel like he cares. I need his support! Now I am being 'needy' to him. I am nurturer so I 'have' to help ppl. So I cant trust myself. Is he right or am I? Are we both right or wrong?

We're now separated having a break. Im at home, isolated, overwhelmed & alone. He is not interested in hearing about how I feel. No phone calls no msg'ing. Now is when I needed my dh help more than ever before. I feel abandoned now that I need something.

Thoughts? Thanku

[White_Rose]

Dear Khloe

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Writing in here is a good move and we will help as much as possible. I am so sorry you are in this bad place. Can you tell us why you moved from what I gather were your support people.

Does anyone in your family receive and counselling help? I am thinking about your husband dh, is this correct? If he has complex problems it sounds like he needs regular support from a mental health professional. What about you? Have you made contact with a local GP? Given your circumstances I think this is important in your life.

I think there is no right or wrong here. Your husband is going downhill at the moment and needs help from professional people. It's too much for you to take on. This is why I think you need to talk to your GP. Because he is not in a good place he is taking it out on you. He knows this is not the answer but he is unable to respond in the way you need. You are overburdened with work and worry, so much so you cannot take the role of nurturer. There is only so much of yourself you can give before you collapse.

You need those external activities like study and volunteering. This is your time to look after yourself, to nurture yourself. If your husband has left your home, even for a short time, it will give you time to regroup. You will not need to be anxious about him or cater to his needs. I know this is your instinct but try and curb it a little. If you are unappreciated in your home, when he is away from you he may come to realise that you do so much for him.

This is a trap so many women find themselves in. We were taught that a wife's duty is to look after her husband and children, whether or not it is to her detriment. And when it is someone like you who has a strong nurturing instinct it feels wrong not to care. Can you see this as a situation where caring for your husband means letting him work out what he wants and getting it himself. An opportunity for him to grow and see where he needs to help his family.

In many ways it is like letting your children grow up and leave home. We know they will come across a few sticky situations but often the only way to learn is to get through these things. Let your husband go about his business and concentrate on yourself and your disabled child. Make a long appointment with your GP and talk about your concerns. Get a notebook of some kind and write down all the thoughts teeming in your head. It really does help. Come back and talk again.

Mary