Giving it my all.....

STL21 · ‎17-02-2017

Hi there,

I wanted to get all your advise and thoughts to whoever is taking the time to read this... thank you.

Me and my partner have been together 1 year. We have lived together almost that whole time. Firstly a little bit of the back story. I met him in Colombia (where he is from) and i stayed in south america with him for 6 months, we moved back to Aus together (he is on a student visa). He suffers from anxiety and depression. He seems to take a lot of his anger and frustration out on me. We are both stubborn but he tends to lean more to the angry, emotionally aggressive side or completely shuts me out and i tend to lean to the emotional and sad side. I usually am a confident person but i feel like my self esteem has lowered. He puts me down and makes me feel like i am not enough and that nothing i do is good enough and tells me he is unhappy. He speaks to me so rudely sometimes and then he says i need to be more understanding when he is in that head space. Whereas i think its getting to a point where it affects me so deeply and i react, then he reacts and we argue and it becomes a vicious cycle. He doesnt respect me and he has told me that before.

In addition with him being a student, I provide him with a lot of emotional and financial support and i feel like i do alot for him which is why it hurts me even more. Like i am being taken for granted.

Some of you may be reading this and thinking oh just leave him, but its not that simple. I love him. When he is in a good mood its great and we have fun and enjoy our life together but when he is down, i feel like i sink with him and i need more strategies to try and deal with it as much as i can, and how else i can support him. Ive seen a counceller, ive read books, online blogs etc etc. I want to say hand on heart i have done everything i could.

Help me, please!

Croix · ‎18-02-2017

Dear STL21

Welcome and thank you for posting, I get the feelings of unhappiness, injustice and frustration coming though in your words.

I hate to say this but I get the strong feeling I'm talking to someone in an abusive relationship. All you have said is about your giving, and being treated with contempt in return. You are not in a proper partnership. Among other things he says to you:

take a lot of his anger and frustration out on me .. that nothing i do is good enough and tells me he is unhappy . .I need to be more understanding .. doesn't respect me and he has told me that

Yes, this does sound that way, doesn't it. He has a sense of entitlement and you are there to see to his needs. Not a partnership at all, you are a servant or slave.

I also understand why you don't want to leave him. In the good times there is love. If things get worse, then you will possibly be trapped as so many are who cling to the decreasing number of loving occasions.

You have not said if he is having treatment, without it I think the picture is going to be pretty grim. Depression and anxiety are not matters that one can treat oneself, they need outside help.

You already know all of this I suspect. Looking in our Forum will give you many stories of carers of depression and anxiety sufferers.

Please post back and say more. You will be met with care.

Croix

TBella · ‎18-02-2017

Hi & welcome STL21

I am sad & grieved to hear how your boyfriend treats you.

I agree with Croix- he has given you some very wise advice.

If you're in a relationship where your partner makes you feel bad about yourself & it's eating away at your self esteem & confidence, that is a tell tale sign the relationship is toxic, abusive &unhealthy.

A healthy relationship is when your partner makes you feel good about yourself & there is freedom to be yourself.

I understand that he has depression & anxiety but that's no excuse to treat you in abusive manner.

I also understand that you love him but sadly you cannot rescue him or help him if his not ready to help himself.

It sounds like you love him but his co- dependant on you.

If he loved you, he would encourage you & treat you with respect.

I spent years in co-dependant relationships- i was miserable! Until one day I realised that I deserved to be treated with respect & valued. Not abused & taken for granted.

I also suffered with false guilt until I realised that I am not responsible for anyone else's life or keeping them fixed.

Im responsible for me& my own mental health. And people would only abuse & take me for granted for as long as I allowed.

Its ok to have boundaries in relationships- it's healthy.

The day I realised I was worth more is the day I stopped allowing people to treat me like crap!

It's hurts to say goodbye to people you love who are abusive but it's also LIBERATING & EMPOWERING.

I think that's because you are treating yourself with respect, value & worth you deserve.

You too are worth so much more.

I wish you well & am hear to listen anytime.

Kind Regards

TBella

STL21 · ‎19-02-2017

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for your reply, it means alot. The relationship has never been physically abusive but i think mentally it does feel that way at times. In the good times, yes there is alot of love and i think thats what i hold on to so dearly, I am scared that they will become less and less and thats why I want to see what I can try and do about it now before it gets to that. How do you just walk away when we have plans etc to build a life together? I also feel like i cant/ dont want to walk away...not when he is suffering himself like this. He was seeing a psychologist on and off and I am encouraging him to see one here. Ive also booked us in to see a couples counciller as well. And I am starting to see one too. I forget at times that I am strong and confident and that all i need is to remind myself of that.

Thanks again 🙂