Is my son depressed

[Kler]

Hi

I am concerned about my 27 yr old son . He is currently living with us and has been for the last 8 mths. He came home after living away for 2 yrs and breaking up with his girlfriend. Before his breakup with his girlfriend he was out of work for 8 mths. Before he moved away he was also in another relationship and working in mines . This relationship damaged him and affected his work and so he was let go and also found out his girlfriend was unfaithful. In the 2 yrs he lived away from us he became very distant. He would not answer his phone or reply to txt s until I would threaten I was coming up to see him and see if he was ok . He would not attend any family functions or even reply to his siblings. It was like he didn't exist. He I feel was in the wrong crowd also . He came home to a job last June after breaking up with latest girlfriend but was in such a broken and confused state . No confidence and full of anger . He worked long hrs ate and we would sit and talk to him for hrs when he couldn't sleep which was every night. He was still hoping to get back with his girlfriend but it wasn't happening and he would become enraged with seeing her moving on with her life through social media . Anyway it's now 8 mths down the track and about a mth ago he deactivated all social media and has cut all contact with anyone of his old friends . He is more withdrawn and says he can trust no one and no true friends. He sleeps all day but still eats . We have work for him with the family business but he can't get out of bed . We have asked him what is wrong and what can we do ? His answer is he doesn't know .. he's admitted that maybe he's depressed and has been for awhile . We've asked him well would you go to the doctor and let's see . He said he doesn't want to go on medication as he's been told by people he knew you cannot get of it . We are very concerned as his parents to see our 27 yr old son this way . Sorry if this post is to long . I am new and this is my first time .

[geoff]

hello Kler, I'm about to log off but have read your comment about your son, so can I say what I think before I logoff.
Even though we aren't allowed to diagnose your son's condition, but I believe that if we have suffered through our own depression for many years, then we can make our own suggestion, just like I would do to a brother or a close friend, but what you have told us that he wouldn't go to any family functions or even reply to his siblings then there is something definitely that worries him, and from what you have said I do believe that he is suffering from a broken heart, and by this only means that depression sets in.
I will reply back to you tomorrow because this will need urgent attention. Geoff.

[Kler]

Thank you Geoff for your input.yes he does have a broken heart .. and has had a very rough time with relationships and work over the last 3 years ..

Yesterday and today my son went to work with his father and his dad said he was good. He is eating so that's also good . He still finds it difficult to sleep at night and get up in the morning but he has last 2 days as he had told his dad he would work with him. I have been reading up about depression and the different degrees . My son has definitely shown many of the indicators over the last 2 to 3 years and especially since he arrived back home to us . A lot of anger , withdrawal and couldn't think straight . We've discussed with him a few wks ago what his plans were regarding work and his reply was he knows he needs to work but his head is not in the right place . His lack of interest also in seeing anyone is also a concern although he has got better in this as recently family has come over and he did sit and chat with them . And he went fishing with his brother and dad . He still has no other contact with anyone or doesn't instigate any I should say . So this is not him .. I am hoping because he's seemed better going to work with his dad he's feeling better . But we are keeping a close eye on him and from what I've read regarding depression he still needs to see a doctor . Just getting him to agree is the hard part .

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Kler, 

I feel for you having to try and navigate this difficult territory - in that he is your child but he is also an adult. Its a hard line to walk. You want to help him , guide him but also not rob him of his dignity and right to self determination. The thing is, when people are unwell with mental illness, their ability to think things through is often a bit clouded, so sometimes we need to kind of be an external power pack for their brain for a while until they can get back on their feet again. 

What I mean is… things like the resistance to getting help . He says he doesn’t want to go to a GP because he is going to be put on meds for ever.. Well, that is clouded thinking. The doctor hopefully will recommend a whole heap of things , including lifestyle factors ( diet , exercise , sleep, mindfulness practice) , a referral for cognitive work with a therapist and maybe medication. Your son has skipped many many steps down the road to dealing with what happens if in a number of months or years , he feels well on the medication and then feels “stuck” on them and can’t get off. 

Its not the first time I’ve heard that but I feel it is the resistant , negative voice of the depressed side talking, not necessarily him. What I would reply that once I had his trust and I felt he could hear me without instantly switching off….

1. these medications are not additive in the way Benzodiazepines or Opioids are.. you dont find people selling SSRI medications on a street corner! Most people can withdraw from them if the time is right AND if they are doing a lot of lifestyle and therapy work to ensure they don't relapse.

2. Lets cross that bridge when we come to it. Meaning … at the moment , we have a far more pressing problem like his life in tatters and that is much more of an issue than managing medication reduction some time down the track. Distorted thinking can mess up ones ability to place proper priorities on things so that smaller issues somehow seem more important than bigger ones.

3. These medications have been around for a long time now - we are talking 40 years , so we are pretty confident about their side effect profile and so far nothing disastrous has eventuated from taking them . The effects of untreated depression are far worse than anything an SSRI could do. 

You do need to get a team around you to help you with this. The best place to start is with the GP. Speak to them before and book a long appointment so there is plenty of time. Choose a “ hook " to get him there .. something he is worried about . Maybe his sleeping? 

Check out this wonderful document that covers so much info on helping a loved one with mental illness . A large section involves looking after yourself which is vital.

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0445

It is a terrible situation to bear witness to your child suffering with any illness . Keep telling him that you love him , that you will stand by him and you believe he will get better. ( You might need to be his external brain of hope for a while , as his brain isn’t able to have those thoughts yet ), but with help  I believe he will regain his mental strength. A good sign is that he has you!

[Kler]

Thank you for your post . Yes I understand and agree . I will go to the dr and talk with the dr about it and hopefully will be able organise a way to get him to agree to go . Thank you .