Supporting family and friends

Pinned discussions

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

•

15-07-2016

•

41 unread

All discussions

Sorted by:

Start a conversation

Feel like I'am failing and not coping!

replies: 4

My husband has severe depression, after several years of failed attempts, encouraging, begging and pleading with him to seek help and actually follow through treatment, he is now on the right track and has his first psychologist appointment this week. My problem is I'm not coping very well, he is the worst he has been and has left a large trail of destruction in our marriage! I want to support him and help him as best as I can but I'am so very hurt by his actions in the last few months and feel so emotionally drained in riding the merry go round that never stops! I feel like I'am failing him, in giving him the support, understanding and patients he needs and this makes me very upset! We are constantly repeating the same conversations and arguments in which he will bring up the same things over and over and I have had enough! I don't know how to deal with this? I have tried not engaging but he will keep pestering and following me around the house to the point where I have left for a few hours, this initially worked but only for a day a two and then it starts again. I have tried just listening and validating his feelings but this just seems to annoy him more, I have tried to be understanding, compromise, negotiate but again its not enough for him we cant more than day a two and again it will start. I'm now at the point where I have very little patients and become frustrated and at times angry with him, I have virtually zero tolerance when it comes to talking about issues in our relationship. He is not in the right frame of mind to be having these conversations the exact reasons I don't initiate any conversation regarding these issues but he can't see that in himself and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this, I don't want to give up on him or our relationship but I so tired!

How do I support my husband, who appears to be headed for his 5th nervous breakdown

replies: 3

My husband is in a heightened state of agitation frequently at the moment. He overreacts when we disagree, when the children make poor choices and so on. I am being very careful not to snap at him or encourage a disagreement. We disagreed on Friday morning with regard to a very minor matter. I contacted him by telephone later that day to try to calm the situation with calm talking, but he exploded on the phone and hasn't spoken to me since. I believe he needs to go a seek psychological help, but he is stubbornly resistant. He has recently stopped taking his anti depressants. I am not sure what I can do, other than try my hardest to be calm. Any tips on how to help him would be greatly appreciated.

In the psychiatrist waiting room

replies: 2

Here I am again. Waiting for my daughter's assessment. She's just turned 18 and this would be her third hospital stay but the playing field has just got bigger. She's still at school but there's no room in the adolescent unit. And my beautiful, suicidal child does not need just yet to have her eyes widened to long term adult mental health problems. It's been 3 years since the first diagnosis and the marathon I thought I could sprint through is becoming an ultra one. And so I literally have to sit and accept this, and give myself daily reminders that we got this far and that's a great thing. That she is more than an illness. And in all those 3 years the music in the waiting room hasn't got any better. That I can still laugh at the absurdity of sound and seriousness of place of that background buzz is a good thing. Good luck everyone as you wait in the psychiatrist's room. You got there and that's a good thing!

Depressed wife has become morelike a sister

replies: 2

We have been married for 20 years and have 3 kids. My wife got PN depression 17 years ago and it has never gone away. See is a good mum and I have more than pulled my weight with baby duties, house, kids schooling, second job and more importantly kindness. Although we had our last child in the depression years, i have not been physically touched in this time. Things got worse at home with kids disrespecting the house and trashing the place and my wife stayed at home, not getting out of bed pretty much for 16 months, only to make school lunches. Anytime there is a disagreement she goes into a rage and i hear about her suicidal thoughts which are thrown at me. Without going into details, my boss was away for 12 months and came back. After a while he kept badgering me about what was wrong. Eventually i told him a little about my wife and they offered 3 councilling sessions over the phone. This gave me some mental tools to cope. I cant discuss any of this at home as i always get shut down about anything personal or intimate and it take 3 days for things to return to 'normal'. I really get no help and am curbing a spendaholic as best i can. Today i have cooked breakfast and made lunch and dinner. I have tried regular intimacy but either staying up till midnight after i have gone to bed, dealing with a more important face book or the most interesting tv creates a refusal for me. The last invitation i received to do my thing was 25 months ago. I have been a loyal husband and father and i dont think about walking away, but i am sick of my wife behaving like my sister towards me. I have done the new house, car, jewellery and gifts for no relationship improvement. One of the things that i havent even touched on is meddling in laws which only make her feel worse. I am at my witts end because i dont know what success looks like anymore. I like to think that i am a well educated person, good father and husband but am drowning with no help and no intimacy. Any pointers in the right direction would be appreciated.

Having a parent with depression

replies: 3

I've run out of ways to try and help my mum. She has suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life. I've watched her self medicate and fall into the same cycle of what she would describe as a black hole for my entire life. Up until a year ago I was always incredibly supportive, trying to pick her up whenever she was down. Over the past year I've gone through some extremely tough times at which I thought I may be able to rely on her only to be severely disappointed, alone and angry. When I needed her most my situation seemed to upset her more than what it did me therefore she needed support more than I did. I've just given birth to my second child which I thought may pick her spirits up abit but that's not the case. Im feeling like I just want to run away as her moods and sickness are getting to the point where they are effecting me too much and I'm starting to feel depressed. My husband is beyond watching me get upset whenever mum is feeling down. He says I should cut her off but whenever something like that is threatened with her she becomes suicidal and I can't deal with the guilt. I also know that it's taking its toll on my family and my mental health constantly taking on her problems with her mental health. I've tried many ways to try to get her help but the help isn't there. Even when she has made attempts to commit suicide she always is able to tell the doctors what they want to hear to be released from hospital. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I protect myself or get her the help she needs? I can't keep carrying on the way iam as I'm starting to feel depressed myself.

Is my son depressed

replies: 4

Hi I am concerned about my 27 yr old son . He is currently living with us and has been for the last 8 mths. He came home after living away for 2 yrs and breaking up with his girlfriend. Before his breakup with his girlfriend he was out of work for 8 mths. Before he moved away he was also in another relationship and working in mines . This relationship damaged him and affected his work and so he was let go and also found out his girlfriend was unfaithful. In the 2 yrs he lived away from us he became very distant. He would not answer his phone or reply to txt s until I would threaten I was coming up to see him and see if he was ok . He would not attend any family functions or even reply to his siblings. It was like he didn't exist. He I feel was in the wrong crowd also . He came home to a job last June after breaking up with latest girlfriend but was in such a broken and confused state . No confidence and full of anger . He worked long hrs ate and we would sit and talk to him for hrs when he couldn't sleep which was every night. He was still hoping to get back with his girlfriend but it wasn't happening and he would become enraged with seeing her moving on with her life through social media . Anyway it's now 8 mths down the track and about a mth ago he deactivated all social media and has cut all contact with anyone of his old friends . He is more withdrawn and says he can trust no one and no true friends. He sleeps all day but still eats . We have work for him with the family business but he can't get out of bed . We have asked him what is wrong and what can we do ? His answer is he doesn't know .. he's admitted that maybe he's depressed and has been for awhile . We've asked him well would you go to the doctor and let's see . He said he doesn't want to go on medication as he's been told by people he knew you cannot get of it . We are very concerned as his parents to see our 27 yr old son this way . Sorry if this post is to long . I am new and this is my first time .

Giving it my all.....

replies: 3

Hi there, I wanted to get all your advise and thoughts to whoever is taking the time to read this... thank you. Me and my partner have been together 1 year. We have lived together almost that whole time. Firstly a little bit of the back story. I met him in Colombia (where he is from) and i stayed in south america with him for 6 months, we moved back to Aus together (he is on a student visa). He suffers from anxiety and depression. He seems to take a lot of his anger and frustration out on me. We are both stubborn but he tends to lean more to the angry, emotionally aggressive side or completely shuts me out and i tend to lean to the emotional and sad side. I usually am a confident person but i feel like my self esteem has lowered. He puts me down and makes me feel like i am not enough and that nothing i do is good enough and tells me he is unhappy. He speaks to me so rudely sometimes and then he says i need to be more understanding when he is in that head space. Whereas i think its getting to a point where it affects me so deeply and i react, then he reacts and we argue and it becomes a vicious cycle. He doesnt respect me and he has told me that before. In addition with him being a student, I provide him with a lot of emotional and financial support and i feel like i do alot for him which is why it hurts me even more. Like i am being taken for granted. Some of you may be reading this and thinking oh just leave him, but its not that simple. I love him. When he is in a good mood its great and we have fun and enjoy our life together but when he is down, i feel like i sink with him and i need more strategies to try and deal with it as much as i can, and how else i can support him. Ive seen a counceller, ive read books, online blogs etc etc. I want to say hand on heart i have done everything i could. Help me, please!

Isolated and Alone - Carer Support Needed!

replies: 1

Hi Im a mother of a special needs child. My dh has complex mental health conditions & has previously been in & out of hospital. We moved last year, far from home & Im yet to make any friends as Iv had my hands full. I know I need to get out. I developed anxiety & depression with the stress load of caring for my two cherished family members. It's hard alone & others looking from the outside don't seem to help as they dont understand/grasp the complexities. I love my dh dearly. Probably too much! However, since moving, my son lost alot of support and his new school didnt support him despite my many requests as they should be. My sons was bullied badly to the point he was physically hit & that was the day I didnt send him back! He is in a new school now & they are great however an older student ended up grooming my son to take part in a sexual assault. Prior to this I had many meetings with the school about the older child and requested they be separated. The level of red flags going up was concerning. Although I did not believe that a sexual assault would take place on another student. My son did not get involved but the older boy took advantage of him by getting him to 'look out'. My son did not understand what was going on. To say the least, they are separated now thank god. In the meantime i'v been flat chat supporting my son & my partner & getting NDIS approved & support services in place. I am run down. I am exhausted. I am tired. Although, because I do not go to work - according to my partner - he is sick of hearing that Im tired! I also study & volunteer at an animal shelter on a sunday for a few hours - again, that's "all' I do to my dh. Get over it attitude. My dh has shut down, become withdrawn & isnt interested in hearing about my day. Although I listen to him about his. I keep so much inside it hurts. My dh also has begun to say nasty things -I break down & cry & he says that im 'dramatic' & leaves me crying.He says I am too sensitive. I get upset - anxiety kicks in. I just want to feel like he cares. I need his support! Now I am being 'needy' to him. I am nurturer so I 'have' to help ppl. So I cant trust myself. Is he right or am I? Are we both right or wrong? We're now separated having a break. Im at home, isolated, overwhelmed & alone. He is not interested in hearing about how I feel. No phone calls no msg'ing. Now is when I needed my dh help more than ever before. I feel abandoned now that I need something. Thoughts? Thanku

Too Soft? Too Weak? Too much a rescuing mum .. Help i need to Stop

replies: 3

Im in dire straights..his life my life must change. my adult son has panic attacks that are so debilitating & i go to pieces & I'm aiding in his avoidance & feel horrible. How do i become strong when my own son is caving in front of me. He hasnt gone past our isolated town for months & he is to scared of his Panic..scared he will hurt himself or someone in a fight/flight reaction..OK that's his issue BUT I need to sort mine. I need to get courage & strength & despite his falling to bits that i cant leave him or that he cant go with me as he is too afraid I need to leave anyway i feel this is affecting us both & my old dad who can't understand it.. my son or I! I feel trapped! What can i do? how can i get strength to say NO im leaving? I so need your help i feel like a useless, unworthy mother & i know i'm keeping him in avoidance & me without a life. This is my issue my mountain & as a mother i'd like to hear from some mothers who might have been in my position & anyone else thank you I am desperate.

Here we are again..

replies: 6

Hi, so here we are again. My partner who has bipolar has left us once again. He isn't on medication at all , he stopped taking it ages ago.He said he feels fine( he's not).This would be the 3 time and I'm not sure if I have the energy to do it all over again. I have 2 children from a previous relationship but my now ex partner and I have 2 children togeher . A 4 year old daughter and a son who is 14 weeks old. My ex partner has wanted another baby since we had our daughter, but I was the one who wasn't so keen as he left us twice before. But, here we are again. He left us about 4 weeks ago. Everything has been pretty good before he left,we had friends over on a Friday night, then Saturday we went looking for a new car for me as we need a bigger car. He then ended up liking a car at the car yard and got both cars then on the Sunday night he just lost it, saying I wasn't happy with anything, he then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to hit me and that he is going to make my life hell. Now, my ex partner is usually pretty calm with us so his tone of voice definitely wasn't normal. The next day, he acts like nothing has happened, then he gets angry cause I'm the one that is then withdrawn. I ask him about the cars and did he hear back from the car yard. Yes he said, but we don't need to bother about getting the other car now ( the car for me /for our family). He then picked his new car up on that Friday. So he leaves.. I'm angry, hurt and probably more disappointed in myself for believing anything he says. I can't comprehend any of this and I actually feel like I hate him. I'm now left to look after 2 kids that he so wished for, yet he can't be here for them. I feel like I can't do this again. I feel done. I can't trust him at all, he has no respect for our family or I . I'm exhausted from having to think about his needs all the time and be the bigger person. I'm sick of wondering is this another episode or a personal attack at me.He seems to resent me for something and I'm not sure what it is. And I'm not even sure I care anymore. I just don't think I have anymore to give. I'm tired of living like this . Now,I don't feel comforable with him having the children unsupervised.I've expressed my concerns with him about this and his response is I'm sorry you feel that way. I just can't believe I've let this happen again. I'm so angry at myself . Thanks for listening .

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Feel like I'am failing and not coping! replies: 4

How do I support my husband, who appears to be headed for his 5th nervous breakdown replies: 3

In the psychiatrist waiting room replies: 2

Depressed wife has become morelike a sister replies: 2

Having a parent with depression replies: 3

Is my son depressed replies: 4

Giving it my all..... replies: 3

Isolated and Alone - Carer Support Needed! replies: 1

Too Soft? Too Weak? Too much a rescuing mum .. Help i need to Stop replies: 3

Here we are again.. replies: 6