Here we are again..

[daisydior]

Hi, so here we are again. My partner who has bipolar has left us once again. He isn't on medication at all , he stopped taking it ages ago.He said he feels fine( he's not).This would be the 3 time and I'm not sure if I have the energy to do it all over again.

I have 2 children from a previous relationship but my now ex partner and I have 2 children togeher . A 4 year old daughter and a son who is 14 weeks old. My ex partner has wanted another baby since we had our daughter, but I was the one who wasn't so keen as he left us twice before. But, here we are again. He left us about 4 weeks ago.

Everything has been pretty good before he left,we had friends over on a Friday night, then Saturday we went looking for a new car for me as we need a bigger car. He then ended up liking a car at the car yard and got both cars then on the Sunday night he just lost it, saying I wasn't happy with anything, he then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to hit me and that he is going to make my life hell. Now, my ex partner is usually pretty calm with us so his tone of voice definitely wasn't normal.

The next day, he acts like nothing has happened, then he gets angry cause I'm the one that is then withdrawn. I ask him about the cars and did he hear back from the car yard. Yes he said, but we don't need to bother about getting the other car now ( the car for me /for our family). He then picked his new car up on that Friday.

So he leaves.. I'm angry, hurt and probably more disappointed in myself for believing anything he says. I can't comprehend any of this and I actually feel like I hate him. I'm now left to look after 2 kids that he so wished for, yet he can't be here for them.

I feel like I can't do this again. I feel done. I can't trust him at all, he has no respect for our family or I . I'm exhausted from having to think about his needs all the time and be the bigger person. I'm sick of wondering is this another episode or a personal attack at me.He seems to resent me for something and I'm not sure what it is. And I'm not even sure I care anymore. I just don't think I have anymore to give. I'm tired of living like this .

Now,I don't feel comforable with him having the children unsupervised.I've expressed my concerns with him about this and his response is I'm sorry you feel that way.

I just can't believe I've let this happen again. I'm so angry at myself .

Thanks for listening .

[White_Rose]

Dear Daisy

Welcome back to Beyond Blue. I sent a brief message to you a couple of hours ago with a promise to write more fully when I came home. It seems that post has disappeared into the abyss. I am sorry you have waited so long for a reply. This is not what usually happens and I apologise for the delay. I'm here now.

Can I clarify something? You said you had two children from a previous relationship and two children from this relationship. Do they all live with you or only the younger two? I am trying to build a picture of your circumstances. I get the impression only the younger children live with you.

Do you know if your ex has Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2. There is quite a difference as I understand it. There is a thread on the Long Term forum which is called My Bipolar Life. I know you do not have bipolar but it may be helpful to read what other people have experienced and see how your ex fits into the area.

Believing someone and putting your trust in that person is hard when they demonstrate untrustworthy behaviour. I know from my own experience how get-wrenching that can be. And the sad part is we start to lose trust in other people because of the fear of being betrayed again. It seems this is the hardest part for you at the moment.

You have obviously been a very caring partner who tried hard to meet your ex needs. There comes a time when you must attend more to your needs and those of your children. A young baby needs lots of your time and energy and it has only been a couple of months since the baby was born. It's no surprise that you are exhausted.

Whether or not you choose to believe your ex in the future is up to you. I am going through something similar at the moment and finding it hard that my trust was abused. It is different as this is not my spouse but no less hurtful. There really is no way I would trust this person again and I will not see them again.

If you feel that you or your children are unsafe with the ex you can refuse him access. I think this is a matter of going to court but i am unsure. I think your local police could give you the necessary information. Also your GP may know.

I suggest a visit to your GP in any case. It may help you decide what to do. I have found most GPs are incredibly knowledgable and helpful. It wouldn't hurt for you to have a check up as well to see if there is another reason for feeling tired or just reassure you everything is OK. We think we have recovered but it takes a big toll of us.

Mary

[daisydior]

Hello Mary,

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry to hear that your trust was abused. It isn't a nice feeling and definitely not nice for you to go through.

I'm not to sure if it's Bipolar 1 or 2.I also have the eldest 2 at home . They are 9 &8 .They see their dad on a regular basis. He's a really good dad to them. All of the children are really amazing.

My eldest son was pretty emotional once I told him that P had left. He was more distraught thinking that he would take our car again. Once I made it clear that he wouldn't he was much calmer and no one is even asking if he's coming home. That is sad in itself.

Its makes me so cranky that P's actions and behaviour has a huge impact on our kids. This scares me also. I just want to protect them.

You are spot on with the 'sad part is we start to lose trust in other people because of the fear of being betrayed again'. This is true. I really don't think I could go through this all over again and or should our children.

I think I resent him for leaving us again and especially our baby . He wanted him for so long, and now he's missing out on him growing up. He did the exact the same thing with our daughter. He will never get that back.

I guess, I can't control his behaviour only my own. Nothing has really changed for me at home. Im the parent who always does school drop off/ pick up, daycare, dinner, lunches, washing the list continues. So for me now that he's not here, it's just the same as before.

Im just tired of always thinking about his needs too when clearly he couldn't care about any of us at all.

I've spoken to a lawyer who has steered me in the right direction. So I think I feel calmer about that .

Tomorrow is a new day, I'm excited to see what unfolds for my family, but unfortunately for P, I really don't think he will remain a part of it.

I believe he has to help himself to some extent. I won't be there to pick up the pieces this time.

[White_Rose]

Hello Daisy

Thanks for your reply. You sound better than in your first post and also that you have made some decisions about P. It is sad he will miss out on seeing his children grow up although he may not realise this yet. Once he does it will be too late, the time will have passed.

Good idea getting advice from a lawyer. Cannot think why I did not suggest this. Glad you feel OK with the advice. I gather you have decided not to have P back if he asks. Probably a the best idea. Until he takes responsibility for his life he will never have a stable relationship. This is sad and I do feel for you. You are showing great strength in moving on with your life. Without wishing to sound callous your life will be easier without the strain he imposed.

I understand your frustration with P and his lack of support for you and your children. Remember that while it makes the day to day duties a bit harder for you, now you know where you are going. Children are quite resilient I have found. They will miss their dad being in their lives but it seems they have recognised he is unreliable and prefer the comfort of the steady world you are providing. Your elder children have the ongoing support of their dad which is good.

Your younger children may want to know, somewhere down the track, why their dad is not with them, or is erratic in seeing them. I am presuming he will want to see them at point in the future. Have you thought yet what explanation you will give? If I may suggest, a simple answer such as daddy is not well will be enough, at least until the children are much older. How do they get on with their sibling's dad? It will be hard for the younger children to see their brothers being with their dad when their dad is missing.

Do you have any brothers or perhaps brothers-in-law who would take the children out occasionally, perhaps to football/cricket match etc, or simply go to the park for an hour. It's not urgent at this stage but perhaps something to think about for the future. You are providing them with a safe home and this is all that matters.

You have a terrific attitude to life and I think you will manage very well. We both know that life throws us a few problems but it is how you get through these times which your children will see and admire. You are a fantastic mom.

If I may suggest, don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel down. My GP is a fantastic lady and I find a chat with her can lift my spirits.

Mary

[daisydior]

Hi Mary

Thank you for your kind words. Made me a little teary. In a good way. Thank you .

I tend to agree with you about how my life will be easier without the strain. It already is , I think. I only have to worry about my own expections now.

Its sad as I do love him, but I feel he's pushed me away and hurt me too much to go back and this makes me sad. He is a funny man. I don't think anyone will be able to love him until he learns to even like himself.

He has said on numerous occasions that he doesn't like himself. There is only so much I can do to make him feel better.

Well today is Friday and the first half of the week he has been asking to pick the kids up for the wknd . The last 3 days I've had nothing in regards to him picking them up. Which is fine as I don't feel comfortable with him doing so just yet.

The kids haven't really asked where P is at all. This makes me incredibly upset as it kinda shows how much he really wasnt around .

Our daughter gets along well with my eldest boys dad. He also has a soft spot for her.

It's such a roller coaster ride. I just hope P goes and gets some help soon as I'm tired of being his punching bag. He isn't one to communicate , but makes it so much harder when he either shuts off and shows no emotion or the opposite and gets frustrated and angry.

I went to the GP the other day. I had a good cry and walked out feeling okay. I have some pretty amazing friends. My best friend lives next door which is great.

I would like to send him updates on the kids, but part of me doesn't want to as I don't want to rub it in his face that he's missing out, or I don't want him to think I'm using the kids to get him to respond .

Anyway, thanks for listening Mary. I appreciate it .

[White_Rose]

Lovely to hear from you Daisy.

It's good you had a chat with your GP even if it ended in tears. I have done that on many occasions while my GP offers me tissues and waits until I become a little calmer.

I hesitate to tell you what to do in any way because it's not my decision. Having said that I want to make an observation about your relationship. It seems to me that you are still running round after him. Not nearly as much as before, but more perhaps than necessary. With that in mind I suggest you do not communicate with him in any way, and that includes telling him about the children.

I think, at the moment he is getting enough of his family but without the responsibility. You are helping him to not miss them so much without any need for a response from him. I'm not suggesting that you become spiteful or nasty in any way, but he needs to make up his mind on what he is going to do. Feeding him titbits offers him an easy way to live without making a decision.

I don't know what your lawyer told you and I'm not asking. If he has given you some advice about access to the children, then perhaps you need to act on this. Just realised I am presuming he has suggested no visits which may well be the opposite of the actual advice. Oops!

How lovely to have good friends and even better when one lives next door. I know it's hard when you care for someone, want to make them happy and feel upset when he is not happy. It's really out of your hands. We can help our family, friends and spouses but only if they are willing to help themselves.

You said I just hope P goes and gets some help soon as I'm tired of being his punching bag. He isn't one to communicate , but makes it so much harder when he either shuts off and shows no emotion or the opposite and gets
frustrated and angry. You do not need to put up with this behaviour. He is out of the house and you can make the rules about him visiting and how he treats you and the children. I think it is times to set boundaries. Decide what is reasonable behaviour and then if he contacts you, tell him the rules.

No more than one phone call a week. Not having the children overnight. Going to see a psychiatrist before he visits again. These are some suggestions, you will think of of others. Actually this will be helping him though he may not see it in that light. None of the children deserve to see him cranky etc and neither do you.

You are getting on well. Take care of yourself first.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi daisydior, welcone back

I've read this thread. Whiterose has replied amazingly.

Quote

"You said I just hope P goes and gets some help soon as I'm tired of being his punching bag. He isn't one to communicate , but makes it so much harder when he either shuts off and shows no emotion or the opposite and gets
frustrated and angry. You do not need to put up with this behaviour. He is out of the house and you can make the rules about him visiting and how he treats you and the children. I think it is times to set boundaries. Decide what is reasonable behaviour and then if he contacts you, tell him the rules"

Yes. And, remind him that how the father of your older children conducts himself is a good example of what you'd like of him. Eventually hopefully he'll settle into a routine with visitations but it would be sooner with him under medication.

A stable home is your priority at the moment.

Tony WK