borderline 16

[grandpa_dad]

Hi everyone
My daughter is 39, the mother of a high school boy, and has a psychologist helping her with family problems. Maybe she's heading towards psychiatry and obviously our pathway is to love her and receive her feelings. But...
Her big issue which she circulates to all our relatives is our ignorance of parenting skills . She refers us to magazines about the topic which explain how to draw out childrens' feelings and give consistent guidance . As a 16 year old teenager she spent hours with her Mum on her bed heaving sighs and agonising about her feelings and uncertainties . Now it's 23 years on and she's intensifying the agony and urging us to improve our parenting of her . She calls her Mum a hypocrite for failing to do this and being unwilling to learn. I get worse names and descriptions.
Is there a term for this behaviour ? "Brat " is probably not the medical term and she is 39 nearly menopause. Is this just selfishness or is there something we need to get psychiatric diagnosis for?

[blondguy]

Hello Grandpa dad

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for reaching out to us too!

I am a grandad too and have seen this many times where the 'adult' kids criticize their parents.

My daughter is 23 and I am getting the silent treatment combined with letting me know that I could have been a better parent to her. I am prepared for a long haul unfortunately...Its like she is rebelling against the system.

At 39 your daughter is clutching at straws to blame 'someone', which is her folks for any slight malfunction in her life which is sad and frustrating as you like myself have done the best we possibly have to do the right thing as a responsible parent(s)

This is only another grandparents' opinion but some kids take the wrong fork in the road and we can rest assured that we have done our best as parents and are not responsible if they choose the wrong road and we end up being compared to modern parenting methods.

It is good your daughter is seeing a counselor, however her criticism of your 'ignorance of parental skills' are a form a venting (using her parents as a target) out her own frustrations/issues in her life. This mindset doesnt have a tag or label unfortunately. The more frequent the counseling the better...fortnightly at the least...weekly is better to achieve a result...

Its not necessarily selfishness but 'having someone' to blame and the parents are the easier target. Just opinion of course, but your daughter seems to be 'frustrated' and possibly angry in her life as well as not have reached her aspirations whether re family or financially. That is her issue, not yours at all.

The forums are a secure and safe place to post and good on you for the excellent parenting skills to have posted.

There are many kind people here that are experiencing the same as you.....I know I am....and its so exhausting!

I hope you can get back to us even if you just want a chat you are more than welcome

my kind thoughts

Paul

[topsy_]

Hi Grandpa dad

My situation is so uncannily like yours - 38yo daughter who has all 4 of her children going to a psychologist besides herself. She's not happy with her life & finds it so easy to blame her poor childhood & harm caused by her inept mother (me).

I don't think it's ever occurred to her to that there are other people in her life, family & world than herself. It gets very hard to put up with.

At some stage she surely will realise she's responsible for her life now?? For me, I try & remember that & not accept any blame she's pushing my way. And I try to avoid her a lot too. I never pictured being like this but the need for self preservation is very real.

I'm sorry you are going through this too.

Take care, Lyn.

[grandpa_dad]

Thank you both . I can understand complaining about past experiences as I've been there done that. However , our daughter is demanding that we be her parents now and bring her up today. At age 39. If she slips back to playing with dollies in a doll house it could get weird. This is my fear , that it's an unreal world she sees.

[blondguy]

Hi grandpa dad

Thanks for posting back. I was talking about the present not the past re your daughter....If I can re-post a small part of what I wrote to you above....

"It is good your daughter is seeing a counselor, however her criticism of your 'ignorance of parental skills' are a form a venting (using her parents as a target) out her own frustrations/issues in her life.
This mindset doesnt have a tag or label unfortunately. The more frequent the counseling the better...fortnightly at the least...weekly"

No one here is complaining about their past experiences grandad. I have only posted about an identical issue that is current and identical to yours....they are both adults. Lyn has also assisted by drawing a parallel to your issues

At 39 there is little you can do UNLESS you daughter acknowledges there is a problem. If she does thats great....Weekly or fortnightly counseling....and allow a lengthy period of time for any improvement.

I do understand your 'current' issue. Yes at 39 there is a very real problem with requiring ongoing parenting for sure.

The main question is: Is your daughter willing to go to frequent counseling with or without you?

Its also difficult to assist effectively on the information you have provided grandpa dad. May I ask why your daughter is seeing a psychologist now besides for 'family reasons'?

This is a worry "our daughter is demanding that we be her parents now and bring her up today. At age 39"

I really do feel for you as your daughter will have to agree to frequent counseling and willing to accept help so she can then help herself.

you are not alone here and we are not dealing in the past......just trying hard as volunteers grandad.

we are here for you

Best

Paul

is better to achieve a result...

[geoff]

hi Grandpa dad, if your daughter wants you and your wife to start bringing her up, like we do for young kids, then her confidence and insecurity comes to mind, but what we do as parents is to try and raise our kids as responsible as we see fit, but they may get into the wrong crowd and then reject everything we say, so this will make our job so much harder.
Our kids may also get into trouble and then want their parents to help them out, as this has happened with me many times, but they would hate the thought of me telling them what to do, but if they started wanting me to bring them up now, then I would consider this to be a huge psychological problem, which needs immediate help. Geoff.

[james1]

Hi grandpa dad,

I'm probably in a similar boat to your daughter but perhaps had the luck to catch on to my odd behaviours earlier. So I'm 25 now but the whole notion of wanting to find a new parent - and by that, I don't mean I wish my parents weren't my parents, but rather that I want someone to parent me now at 25 - makes complete sense to me.

I never thought about it but my behaviours scream child: I want to be hugged, I want someone to reassure me constantly, I want someone to be there constantly and in person, and if not in person I want them to pick up the phone whenever I call, I have and still want to buy soft toys, I will sometimes talk in rhyme to adults to see what they say, and if the person (i.e. mother figure) doesn't do what I want...well, they better run for the hills.

The only solution I can see for myself, and for your daughter, is therapy. She will harbour a grudge because that's what children do. They hold grudges and much as they love their parents, they will rebel against them. She needs a proper trained therapist to show and role model for her the right behaviours for a 39 year old.

James