I don't know what to do anymore

[Tryingtobethere15]

Hi all

I have posted before but in a nutshell here is my story. I have been with my husband for over ten years and in the last 3-4 years (maybe longer) depression has affected him. In the last two years he has been medicated and also changed medication but in the meantime he has also self medicated, been very aggressive and the dips have been very hard... for both of us. Needless to say, sex has been non existent during this entire time.

I feel that I have truly done a great deal to support and help him in all the ways I can. In addition to loving support, I arranged a new doctor, psych appointments, dealt with his work (he has taken an extended period off work at the moment), his outstanding bills and generally been both his support network but also it seems his punching bag (not physically). I want more. Maybe I am enabling him?

The other day was (I think) a final straw for me as I found a pipe and a bag with the tiniest bits of powder and he denies taking it or ever taking it but was tempted to feel normal or have some kind of sexual interest...I don't know if I believe that he hasn't been 'using'. He said that tiny amount was given by a friend to try. It is so difficult to trust him and he has always known my stance on drugs. It has never wavered. The meds were apparently working so I don't know why he thought this was a smart option. Apparently out of desperation. There were tears from both of us and then I just had to walk away. I hate this gut wrenching feeling constantly when I think we are moving forward for a few days and then I found out a 'new truth' about something. He says he just doesn't think and he hates that he is constantly hurting me...he was quite hysterical. Surely it doesn't take a genius to see the connection between lying and hurting someone?

This has left me heartbroken as it is not the first time he has lied in the last few years.

I am worried about him and I don't know whether to leave and save my own sanity or tell one of his parents the story in case he does start/or has been taking drugs and spirals. He said he doesn't want me to (obviously) but I can't do this on my own anymore. I love him so much but I don't like the way he is disrespecting me....I just know that I don't know what to do anymore....

This is consuming me and I don't think I will ever get my husband back or I don't know if I can ever trust again.

If anyone can provide any insight into his process or some advice I would really appreciate it.

xx

[blondguy]

Hello Tryingtobethere

You are not only very intelligent but pro-active where your own health is concerned and good on you!

You wont really appreciate my post Trying but after having depression for 21 years I can see the 'red flags' through your post. I have been in senior corporate until Jan 2016 when I was made redundant.

Firstly.....Your health and well being is paramount at this stage (with all due respect for the love you have)

Depression can have a direct effect on the closest person to them...especially reading about your husband being aggressive. The aggressiveness is another red flag that he is still unwell. He is venting at you instead of a therapist. (just my humble opinion)

True recovery is in the hands of the sufferer....not you. He has to 'own' his illness and be pro-active in having super regular therapy so he can function even in a basic friendship.

Depression is not a 'Free Pass' to be aggressive or even rude in any way. I had counselling every week for six months and cried my eyes out as I was doing what your husband is doing....being aggressive. The desire to be healed made me agree with my therapist to weekly appt for help.

The pipe and the white powder is very disturbing. His response to you about "a friend gave it to him to try"is woeful. I have a couple of people I know personally (not on here) that have also got it from a 'friend to try'

Please try not to let this consume you. You cant help someone that is biting your supportive & kind heart.

If I may I ask you how his sleeping habits are

Your health is precious and comes first.....all other considerations are secondary...

I hope you can post back. The forums are a rock solid secure and safe place for you Trying

you are not on your own here by any means

I hope this post was of some help to you

my kind thoughts for you

Paulx

[Tryingtobethere15]

Thanks for your reply Paul

He is definitely taking his frustrations etc out on me. If anything, he shuts everyone else out and then I am the only one who sees that side. If I didn't approach him, there wouldn't be any aggression. I am sure he would be happy to go weeks with limited interaction at certain times.

He started new meds at the end of last year and it has been effective with his moods and I have seen some positive steps forward. It's only then that a psych appointment was made but he can't get in until early March. I spoke with his new doctor about this and he felt that this would still be ok as he was making progress. I asked for other names of psychs but apparently this one is worth the wait. Aside from that he hasn't seen a psych. We have spoken quite openly when he is down and agreed that I cannot be the only one dealing with this. He needs coping strategies and someone to vent to who is trained to deal with it. I am emotionally invested and can sometimes say the wrong things, get angry/impatient etc.

The powder and pipe makes me sick to my stomach. He swears he didn't and never has but did intend to. At the same time he was scared to. He has told me on numerous occasions that it kills him as a man not to be able to be there in all ways for his wife (he also said this to his doctor when I was at the appt with him).

He works FIFO but hasn't been at work since November and I really am scared that he may not return. He says he will but his return date keeps getting pushed back. Admittedly the doctor just upped his dose and advised that he take some extra time (he has it available to him so the doc suggested he use it). Meanwhile not being used to having him around and now having him here 24/7 has been an added pressure. He sleeps sporadically. Sometimes heaps and other times up to early hours of the morning. I thought that may have sorted itself a little after so much time off work but again now the effect of possible hard drugs has crossed my mind.

His mum knows he has depression and is very supportive of me and always asks what she can do to help me. I told her that I may need to leave him although I didn't want to. Although she said she would hate it, she would totally understand. She also thought some tough love may help hi see what he's lost. I really want to tell her but also know that could add to his issues.

Bleh! It's exhausting just writing it out.

x

[blondguy]

Thanks for posting back (yes it is exhausting especially living with a loved one with a MI)

Good news time....Free therapy is available from mental health care professionals.....IF your husband requests it from his GP or calls a major hospital they will have someone that will see him even after few days wait...

Just about your mother in law.....if I may suggest. If you were in her shoes....would you like to know? I somehow think you would. You wouldnt be adding to his issues at all.....You will be assisting in his long term recovery.

The guy I saw every week came to me me when my depression/anxiety spiked in 1987. He was a council mental health care worker (psychiatric nurse) He made me promise that I would see him every Tuesday for 6 months.

He gave me my life back....seriously.

The pipe (from a friend or not isnt relevant) is a concern...Even with AD's my sex drive has only halved...so its not the end of the world for me. There is no justifiable reason for having a pipe and some white powder.

I have the same stance on drugs as you do. Its just not on.

With no counseling (yet) the primary focus is your health....You are an articulate and smart person who has done more than your best. Untreated depression can effect their partner....It does, we see it nationally on the forums.

Im in my 50's and have a daughter in her 20's that lives elsewhere. If she had a pipe and some (ice?) I would hope that her partner would let me know.....even very quietly...at least I could be aware

You are not anyone's punching bag.....depression even untreated is no excuse. He will have a long & rocky road to travel as the meds are only providing a foundation so we can recover using the therapy required.

be kind to yourself...your husbands health is his concern now....

I hope you can stay in touch 🙂

you are definitely not alone here

my kind thoughts for you

Paulx

[White_Rose]

Hello TTBT

Supporting someone with a mental illness is exhausting and I feel for you. It seems you are constantly on the alert making sure you do not say or do the wrong thing and cause more problems. Paul has pointed out that your health and well-being is important. I can understand your desire to get help for your husband ASAP, but if you can help from a skilled practitioner it probably is worth the wait.

In the meantime what can you do for yourself? You don't mention work so am I correct in thinking you don't go out to work? Have you thought of volunteer work, something that will give something back to you? I think you have devoted yourself to helping your husband to the extent there is little time for you. This is OK in an emergency but not as a lifestyle. I suggest a volunteer role as you can choose, to some extent, to work in an area of your choice. This will help restore your sense of worth.

What else? Meet up with friends, go walking or some other form of exercise. It is amazing to me what a huge impact exercise has on our well-being. I go to an exercise class once a week, should do more, and even though I am tired at the end I feel so much better. There is much documented evidence about this.

Better still, get your husband to go for a walk with you. That way you can have time together in a different environment, plus exercise, which will benefit both of you.End up at a coffee shop or similar and recover your breath before walking home. I have had some of the best conversations walking with someone. Must be something about being in the fresh air that loosens the tongue.

Have you heard of Mindfulness? Set yourself a time to simply be you. Find a quiet comfortable spot and sit down. I sit outside, weather permitting, on my back patio with a book, coffee, and CD player. No loud noises. The CD player is turned down so only I can hear it. After a short while I find the peace and tranquillity is affecting me and I can drop off to sleep quite easily. Repeat once a day if possible.

It helps to let go of your feelings of anger and frustration. May I suggest you find hobbies/activities that absorb you or you need to meet with others. Horse racing in your living room is probably not the best idea.

OK I have made some suggestions, what do you think?

Mary

[geoff]

hello and thanks for posting.
This new psych maybe very good but that doesn't mean your husband will get on with h/her and there's still no guarantee he may or may not want to talk with them.
I certainly have to agree with you and Paul that if the pipe and powder has been found it's there for a reason otherwise it wouldn't have been found.
To trust him is a big ask and at the moment it doesn't seem to be your best option, because whatever he says is only to cover himself, and that's all he cares about at the moment, so it's whether you want to begin to trust him , help him or whether you want to gain some sense back in your life and either he moves out or you move out.
There will always be that doubt with him to believe him or ignore him, but people with any type of addiction can never be honest. Geoff. x

[Tryingtobethere15]

Thanks Paul

Happy Valentines Day - not tat it was even acknowledged in our house. He has hardly moved and slept all day.

I am going to speak to his mum and I think this is also a way to look after my own health even more - by letting others in.

I just don't know if I can support him again

[Tryingtobethere15]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your reply. I actually work full time in a very high powered and demanding job (which I love, possibly more so because home is so strained).

I do practice mindfulness, exercise regularly and get out when I can.

I guess I am not so 'consumed' by his issues as I am drained by them. I am a little sick of the merry go round but I definitely do try to do everything I can to keep my mental health above board.

Thanks

[Tryingtobethere15]

Hi Geoff

Thank you for your reply.

I agree completely about your comments about the psych.

Last night I found myself 'all in my head' thinking over all these possible signs that he has been abusing drugs. It's not a healthy place for me to be in constantly....plus it made work hard today on two hours sleep 🙂

I don't know how to help him at the moment aside from saying the same things I have said when he has lied before - "I am here for him and no judgement but he needs to be honest with me so we can work as a team to work through this". I wonder if I am wasting my breath at the moment.

He has been sleeping all day...I think (I've been at work).

[blondguy]

Hi Trying

Thanks for posting back and a happy belated Valentine's Day to you too 🙂

If I can quote you: "I am going to speak to his mum and I think this is also a way to look after my own health even more - by letting others in"

This is such a healthy and pro-active statement and well done to you!

You are right that he needs to work 'with' you. If he doesnt genuinely 'own' his issues then your health will be vulnerable. Im sorry that your sleep and general well being is being effected not to mention your work.

I hope your day is good to you!

my kindest

Paul