The saddest thing is watching the one you love trapped in their own sad world

heartache · ‎22-01-2015

I met my boyfriend only a short 6 months ago and he was so vivacious and excited to fall in love with me. It took me a little longer but I too fell for him. He had a lot of issues to do with finances, friends and the fact that he had just broken up with his partner of 6 years. But there I was ready to take it all on because I believed he loved me. It didn't take long before he started to make errors in judgement and I forgave a lot. Then, even though I was able to forgive and move on, he begun to hate himself more. He turned to drugs.. lots of drugs. Nothing lethal, but he chose to take uppers whenever he was feeling down usually around 10-15 at a time. The come downs would last days and he was absolutely intolerable. Our fights exacerbated and he threatened violence against himself and eventually against me. He would cry a lot, threaten to kill himself all the time, get extremely angry and over react to minor situations and he seemed to take everything out on me. I was the emotional punching bag. Here I was, believing in hope, if he got help he would get better and then it would be amazing. Counsellors referred him on to rehab, to other counsellors and he just gave up. Continued to take everything out on me then take drugs to forget what he had done for a moment. I left him last night, after he threw me out. I so wanted to be there for him and be with him through it all in the hope that he would get better and see me. Instead he just saw me as a nuisance, a reminder of what a bad person he is, someone nagging him to get better. I am completely broken hearted and feel that I have invested so much into something that did not work out. I just want him to be well and happy. I would love some advice on how to move forward, even to not feel alone in this, and not feel like an idiot for how I handled the situation. Is it best for him for me to keep my distance??

CrashCoyote · ‎22-01-2015

Hi heartache,

51yo male, 5 kids, lots of failed relationships. (Some that worked, too!)

The question is; "Is it best for you to keep your distance?" We all are capable of falling for the wrong person and none of us is responsible for the behaviour of another. I have a 25yo son that uses dope. I would do anything to get him to stop but it has to be his decision, or it won't work.

His demons are for him to battle and if he wanted your support, he could ask for it when he has done a bit of the hard work for himself. His addiction is his priority and maybe there is still something going on in his head about his ex of six years.

You describe him as trouble in many areas of his life and abusive to you as well. You don't need to run off to find a replacement, but you need to be away from the abuse and the behaviours that have no future.

Really it is up to you, but if you sign up with him in his current state, you are signing up for trouble and a lot of heartache, and maybe worse.

Kind regards, John.

Pixie15 · ‎24-01-2015

Hi heartache,

You have squeezed an awful lot into a short six month relationship. Two things you need to understand. Your partner is in need of help but you cannot fix him. It would be interesting for you to be able to get his ex-partners perspective. If he basically was the same with her.

His finance, friends and broken relationship issues are his own. He may have mental health issues and he may be taking drugs to help himself cope with that however these are things that he has to take responsibility for and accept the help that has been made available to try to change his own behavior.

I am worried that you have only left the relationship because he has asked you to leave. It would have been better from your point of view if you had taken the step yourself to protect yourself. Self care is not selfish.

You have written that he has threatened to hurt both himself and you. It is a form of abuse to stand in front of someone and threaten yourself as much as to threaten you. It would be a good idea for you to read about the cycle of violence which is associated with domestic abuse.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. I got caught up in trying to rescue someone over 30 years ago and looking back I wish that someone had said something similar to me. Although maybe I would not have believed them.

Grateful.

SharlosDad · ‎24-01-2015

My sone was diagnosed as suffering from depression 20 years ago. He is now 41 and after treatment is probaably able to manage hid drepession. He has had pschiatric, psychological and pharmaceutical tretament, incluidng SSRIs,mindfulness, CBT, Some of which may have helped. But he also suffers from severe social phobia, he cannot manage normal daily intercations with opther people. He can visit a supermarket to buy food, but he can't dela at length with others. He lives with his mother and me. He is on adisability pension. With the cost of rents in Perth he woiuld never be able to live on his own, and his phobia means he cannot share woith others. My problem is that I sftarted suffering from anxiety about 7 years ago. I have jad treatment and I am sometimes OK, at other times the anxiety becomes very hard to bear.

I have two questions. Is there any possibility my son will be able to look after himself? Iam n ow in my seventies and I will not be aroiubnd much longer to help him. My second question is am I likely to get so distressed I will not be able to look after myself, never mind him?

What other/new treatmenys are available?

Zeal · ‎24-01-2015

Hi heartache,

I am an almost 22 year old female, and though I have never had true heartbreak from a relationship, I still would like to give advice, in case something I say makes a difference.

You are definitely not an idiot. It sounds like you handled the situation as best you could, as the situation was/is a very difficult one. You seem really kind, and your post doesn't have an even slightly angry tone. You're clearly upset and worried for him. You deeply care about him, and wish you could help him. Unfortunately, in his state, the only help that could turn his life around will probably involve medical professionals. I personally have never taken recreational drugs, so I can't relate to the complex emotions and behavioural issues that result. However, as he has threatened violence against you, it is best for your safety and wellbeing to not restart the relationship. But it is your life and your choice.

CrashCoyote's advice is great. Keeping your distance may be the safest option for you. Also, despite the fact that you care about him a lot and want to help, your actions won't "fix" him. This is frustrating but the truth. I know people (though not close to me) that have drug addictions, and it's often long-term. There are exceptions of course, but this is what I have noticed and read about.

I really hope you can start to feel better about taking time for yourself (this is not selfish, it is best for your health and safety).

Good luck with everything,

SM

geoff · ‎25-01-2015

dear Heartache, welcome to the site and posting your comment, which is indeed a rather concerning situation.

The replies from all those good people above have outlined the position you are in, and I have to agree with them all.

When a person needs drugs, stimulates and then the downers then his life is not his it's controlled by these toxins, and so he gets hooked onto them, which then makes his mood alter, and what has happened he will become aggressive and more so if he doesn't actually have any pills to take, and then can take it out on you, as well as threatened harm on himself.

So this person that you may still love in some way isn't the person you once loved, because he's under the control of the drugs do to him, which will make him a dangerous man, and make treats and take out violence on anybody who is living with him.

He has given up seeing any counsellors after his rehab because he has no intention of wanting to stop, because they will explain to him that he should stop etc etc but only thumbs his nose at what they say.

The answer to your question is yes it would be best to move away from him, as you won't be able to get him to stop, let alone change his ways, and even when someone stops taking drugs there is a good chance that they will just revert back in taking drugs, especially when they are going through a difficult time.

Your safety is of prime concern and when being inflicted by taking drugs, they are capable of doing anything, without any concern at all.

The other issue is he may have no money to pay for his drugs, so your purse, credit card or any money of yours will be pinched, and maybe without you knowing until it's too late. L Geoff. x

Pixie15 · ‎25-01-2015

Hi SharlosDad,

Welcome to BB. Sorry I can not answer your questions directly. I think however you may get some better response to your post if you started a new thread in Recovery and Staying Well or Anxiety.

I feel for you greatly though. My son suffers anxiety and although he can be independent he has returned home at different times for support. I worry about what would happen to him if there was no home to return to.

It might help to go along to your local community center and see what services there are available to help you plan how you are going to manage in the future.

Hope you get some more useful responses.

Grateful.