Supporting my partner through darker periods of anxiety and depression

[Little_Em]

Hello everyone,

I am at a loss of how to help my partner at his current state of mind, the past few weeks have seen a large spike in his anxiety and depression to the worst since I met him a few years ago. 

He had been off medication for a few years, and was unfortunately made redundant at his dream job 8 months ago. Naturally, he went through a low period of time, but after a small holiday to refresh ourselves he went back on medication and I was so proud of him for it. He got a new and better job within days of coming home, and the first few weeks were a struggle but today he loves it.

We were long distance for a year, until I became physically unwell ans required a carer so moved interstate to be with him. It was hard, but through this time he was generally positive, upbeat and while he would sometimes have panic attacks, his depression to my opinion and his close family, was almost nonexistant. I have since recovered and recently started working again and love it. However, we are on slightly different work schedules and for the first time in the year of living together Im not their when he gets home everyday, I'm not available for him.to call if he feels a change in his mood coming and I do think it is affecting his perception of self worth, as silly as it may seem.

The past few weeks, completely untriggered by anything, he has been terribly down, dissatisfied, easily overwhelmed and what he describes as a fogginess in his head he cant shake on bad days. On average, he calls into work sick once a week, he cancels plans with his friends at the last minute and when home just likes to watch TV with headphones for hours on end. He is completely unmotivated to do simple chorea like washing even when it becomes essential. All of these are totally uncharacteristic of him and have my alarm bells ringing.

Weve always been open to talk to each other and support each other if one person is down, but he is so far down at the moment its often like he cant see me because his depression and anxiety is taking over.

What can I do to help? I dont know how to help him in this state without being overbearing or risking him thinking I am nagging or complaining. 

I am at a complete loss...

[Beltane]

Sorry it's taken so long for you to get a reply, sometimes people aren't able to offer the right advice.

Firstly, how wonderful it is that you are here trying to find help for yourself and your partner! Give yourself lots of credit- what a wonderfully supportive partner you are.

Next: you can see a counsellor yourself to talk about how *you're* doing with all this. Consider getting Extras private health insurance to help with cost.

A counsellor could help YOU cope, and help you learn how to help HIM. But focus the sessions on YOU, because while you're supporting him, someone needs to support you.

Secomdly, , you could go to a counsellor together and work through strategies together to help each other.

Thirdly... Look, I'm someone with a mental illness, so I think I have a right to say this. When we are well and stable, we are our wonderful lovely selves- we are the people our partners know and love.

When we are sick with an acute phase of depression or anxiety we can be rather difficult to live with, and we can be the worst version of ourselves- all our faults are magnefied 100x.

It is very very important during this time for your partner to be getting regular professional help. While you are a wonderful support, it is not fair to lay all the weight of care on your shoulders- it is the job of a professional to take some of this weight, and give your partner new techniques to cope.

I highly recommend your partner see both his doctor and a therapist at least once a week during this acute phase.

Maybe he needs to try different medications, or a new therapist who had different techniques.You could offer to go with him the first time.

Make sure he doesn't feel blamed or shamed- be as kind and supportive as you can and choose a time when he's in a better mood to bring up the subject of getting more help.

if he's resistant, remind him that a different medication and/ or different therapist can make a huge difference.

i know, because it took a few meds and therapists before I found the right answer to me. When I found it, it made a HUGE difference- not a small one.

i am well now, and my partner who has stuck by me during the bad days, can now enjoy having me at my best- happy, calm, energetic, creative. Because I am so well treated, Amy dark days are very mild and short and I know to call my therapist and doctor so the care doesn't fall solely on my partners shoulders.

your beloved man will come back with a new treatment regime 🙂