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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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aurrrudurrr How to convince someone to see a psychiatrist?
  • replies: 1

I know this has been well addressed in Google, but it is very not helpful to our situation. Like how we already knows the reason that why my mother refused to seek help becasue she think that we are the mad one. She the mad one becasue she the one wh... View more

I know this has been well addressed in Google, but it is very not helpful to our situation. Like how we already knows the reason that why my mother refused to seek help becasue she think that we are the mad one. She the mad one becasue she the one who is screaming tiraid to nonsenses. Other known issues with my mother: Confusing someone with another one: She keep thinking that my stepfather is stealing from her, but in reality it is her sisters who are stealing from her, sort of in a way that those people who take a generous person for granted. Her first sign of having an anxiety attack is when she becomes very unresponsive, is this anxiety of something more serious? Her anxiety periods last longer and longer, even small thing or some delusional thinking can now can set her off. Have a tuimor in her brain (regrown but not large enough to take a sugery yet) She think that my everyone are plotting against her. How should I convince my mother to seek help?

dmb At a loss
  • replies: 5

My husband has suffered depression basically as long as I've known him but it became really bad after we had our first daughter almost 7 years ago. He's had ups and downs, but more downs than ups. After trying various antidepressants which only made ... View more

My husband has suffered depression basically as long as I've known him but it became really bad after we had our first daughter almost 7 years ago. He's had ups and downs, but more downs than ups. After trying various antidepressants which only made things worse, he relies only on marijuana now and honestly he is nicer to be around when he's using it. Today though for the first time ever, he said that he doesn't see the point in living. He said that everyone hates him and that the only people that would be sad to see him go are myself and our two children. I am of course very upset hearing this and have told him that he needs to talk to a professional. He's never been open to the idea of going to any professionals because they cost money, which is something that we struggle with and unfortunately don't qualify for any concessions due to my income being just high enough to be considered too much for assistance, but low enough that we are struggling to keep our heads above water. This all adds to his stress and depression, so to add the cost of seeing a professional so he can get the help he needs is difficult to convince him to spend. I am finding it harder and harder to live with him but fear that leaving will only make things even worse.He's also currently obsessed with proving that all the world governments are corrupt and that world powers are out to get us all. He rants and raves to everyone he sees about it which makes people like him even less. He is an all or nothing kind of person so either he'll over share his opinion or he'll literally clam up and not talk at all.I don't know what to do any more.

Bee123 My fiancé has depression
  • replies: 2

Hi there, my partner has depression. He can cope ok on the outside, but sometimes he shuts down. When he does he's very depressed and down. He is very self conscious and unhappy with the direction he is heading in life. I want to support him but its ... View more

Hi there, my partner has depression. He can cope ok on the outside, but sometimes he shuts down. When he does he's very depressed and down. He is very self conscious and unhappy with the direction he is heading in life. I want to support him but its been 5 years now and we are getting married in a few months. I would hope he can try and get help before I wedding or at least understand he needs help. He has had a very I tense life. I fee like like a counsellor could help. He thinks he can deal with it in his own head. But I think that's the issue. its so draining not knowing how he will be when I get home. And I feel like depression fills the house. How can he go and get help. I want him to be happy because I know he wants to be As well. I feel selfish because I know it is hard for him also. Thank you

Not_Ryan_Gosling I need help understanding my role
  • replies: 13

I am not sure if age is important, but I am 23 years old. The girl who I am trying to support with depression is 22. We met at work and started dating, we had an instant connection. She said she had never opened up to anyone, but she did with me. She... View more

I am not sure if age is important, but I am 23 years old. The girl who I am trying to support with depression is 22. We met at work and started dating, we had an instant connection. She said she had never opened up to anyone, but she did with me. She told me about her struggles with depression in the past and how whenever she let someone in, they would leave her stranded. She told me she had never let anyone in as much as me and it scared her. Two months ago she said the depression was coming back and that she didn’t want me around because it wasn’t fair to me to deal with it. In response I started writing her notes every night. She loved them, I believe that they comforted her. Within days we were closer than ever, she opened up to me even more, and we were working through her depression together. I did a lot of reading on depression and was doing my best to handle it the correct way, however I believed that I knew here better than the papers I read on depression, so I tried confronting her about one thing. She didn’t drink a lot, but when she did she would feel terrible about it for a couple days. I told her that her drinking was making her more sad, and making her depression worse. Everything I read said not to use tough love, I used it, and it backfired. This occurred about 2 weeks ago. She told me that I didn’t know what she was going through and that she had everything under control. She then broke up with me saying that she couldn’t handle a relationship at this point in her life. I gave her space after that, but tried reading up more on depression and tried following what I read. After a couple days I started sending her short nice texts about how I wanted to be there for her through her depression. We started talking a little bit and then one day she was really close to opening up to me again about her depression, I told her I would love if she talked about it, but just when I thought she was going to talk, she shut down and stopped talking to me again. This lasted a couple days. Then the process repeated itself. Since she hasn’t said a word to me. I want to be there for her, but I don’t know if I should be, or how to be. No one else knows about her depression and she acts fine around them. I want to be there for her because I know she needs somebody, I just don’t know if I am the right person. Should I help or back off? How should I attempt to help? Any advice would be hugely appreciated. I just want her to be happy again.

Oliver22 Need help for my Boyfriend!!
  • replies: 1

Hi, I am very new to this and I am looking for help and support. My boyfriend suffers from depression, he is usually happy but lately he seems to be upset a lot more often and tends to take it out on me (not physically, just seems to blame me for thi... View more

Hi, I am very new to this and I am looking for help and support. My boyfriend suffers from depression, he is usually happy but lately he seems to be upset a lot more often and tends to take it out on me (not physically, just seems to blame me for things). Lately it has become more regular and I can usually see it coming as he is moody a few days in advance. Anyone have any advise or anything I could do to try and help him out? Thanks!

yvonneg Is my son depressed ?
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone. I am so thankful that I found this forum. Im feeling really helpless and heartbroken for my son right now. He has been acting really so lately. Really withdrawn and lost in his thoughts and I dont know how to fix it. He's usually really ... View more

Hi everyone. I am so thankful that I found this forum. Im feeling really helpless and heartbroken for my son right now. He has been acting really so lately. Really withdrawn and lost in his thoughts and I dont know how to fix it. He's usually really happy go lucky, laughing and always wanting to go places, but in the last couple weeks, the last 2 days especially I see a difference in him. i catch him just standing looking at a blank tv with a snifly nose and watery eyes. When I ask him whats wrong or if he's okay, he sort of like shakes his head like as to snap himself out of his mood and then says simple quick responses like huh, im fine or what are you talking about. Today I went to work and was really worried about leaving him home alone because yesterday is the first time ive actually seen him just standing in such deep thought for so long. I would find him in all parts of the house lost in thought. Usually when I call him from work he picks up sounding like himself doing productive things around the house or job hunting online but today I tried calling and texting with no response. I decided to drive home to check on him and I can tell he was in the same mood. There were absolutely no tv's on, no noise in the house and he looked really tired. he said he ate today but i can tell he didnt. I started picking up around the house and would find him doing his standing in random places in deep thought thing again. Is this normal depressed behavior ? Why do people get this way all of a sudden? Hes not a kid anymore. He's 23 years old but this is definitely not in his charachter. I want to help him so bad but he wont talk to me. he's not mean or anything about it, but its like he doesnt even want to comprehend what im asking him or maybe cant express the way he feels because he gives 1 word answers like yes or no and kind of brushes it off and will say something totally random to change the subject. I have been as gentle as I can with him in letting him know that im here for him if he wants to talk to me about anything and letting him know that he is never alone but he just looks at me and says he's fine then rubs his head and goes back to doing his standing and thinking again. Does he want to be alone or does he want me to comfort him in some way? I am so confused and seriously heartbroken of the dramatic change in my son.

aurrrudurrr What is she really thinking?
  • replies: 2

My mother have been suffering from anxiety for a very long time, me and my stepfather don't know what to do anymore. On topic wtih the heading, my mother love money and my stepfather being a property invevstor before (he enlist the help from TIC) int... View more

My mother have been suffering from anxiety for a very long time, me and my stepfather don't know what to do anymore. On topic wtih the heading, my mother love money and my stepfather being a property invevstor before (he enlist the help from TIC) introduce property investing to my mother, she love it. However, here's the real concern, she believes in hard work to earn money (that's alright, although that I don't; I believe in the right side of the Cashflow Quadrant) rather than investing. Also, when she is having an anxiety attack, she do or plan all sort of thing to stabotage the investment, the investment for her own future good and she want to destroy it. Why? What's exactly going on in her head? (e.g. moving money around to mess up the offset account) Becasue when we ask her did she have faith in property investment (while she is calm and sane) and she said yes. We also keep trying to explain the idea of using other people money as opposed to paying everything out of your own pocket, but she doesn't get it, such as, she keeps insisting that she is paying her own money towards the investment houses, in reality it is the rents and the tax department paying for it, also we are getting tax deduction becasue of the good debt we had, but she doesn't see them. What can we do to try to help her or least understand what is really going on? not sure if this will help, but here's a little bit of information about me, my stepfather and famity history I have Asperger and my stepfather is kind but something stupid, we are also suspect that there are NPD and Stockhome Syndrom in my mother famity side.

AspiringReed I Just want to Love and Support Him
  • replies: 2

I was dating the man of my dreams for 9months and I've always known he gets depressed which, for him, means a switch gets flicked and he goes emotionally cold & cruel & manipulative to the people closest to him to push them away. It has lasted anywhe... View more

I was dating the man of my dreams for 9months and I've always known he gets depressed which, for him, means a switch gets flicked and he goes emotionally cold & cruel & manipulative to the people closest to him to push them away. It has lasted anywhere from months to years. We both love each other deeply. We've shared genuine trust, intimacy and joy. I've accepted the consequences of staying with him. I've experienced this kind of treatment in a long term relationship, when I was younger. I know am strong enough to endure and I know I'm strong enough to leave if I need to. He tried med's(no good), some meditations, counselling. Even tried a couple of meditations in between episodes to be ready for the next time. But, I don't think he's found what works. Last weekend, the switch was flicked. He tried to fight it for a few days, privately. But he couldn't & now he's left me to save me from all the pain. He claimed he was numb but I don't think he was. There were a few things he did & said which showed me he still cared. I wept and begged him to let me support him. I said I'd accepted the risks of being with him, that I love all of him, not just when he's happy. I said that this is how we see how strong we can be together. He said he doesn't deserve me and that he'd try to hurt me to push me away. Then, the guilt of doing that to the woman who loves him would make him feel worse. Eventually, we agreed to be in touch in 6mths, regardless of what we had to say... it's over/try again/need more time....But he doesn't want to hear from me at all until then (unless my contact details change). I told him to contact me anytime he wants to, that I'll always want him to, even if he thinks he shouldn't. I'm SO scared of how bad this could get, so sad that he wants to be alone and scared that he won't want to try again with me, even if he wants to, for my sake. I'm tempted to get in touch in 1-2 months to see how he is, Not to talk about us. Some people say its important to know that people care about you, even if you won't let them help. But, if he sees that I'm holding on, will he feel guilty and become more depressed? If I break our agreement, will he get mad or will he secretly want me to? He used to say that family checks on him cause they have to. But if I check on him, he knows its cause I care. So many questions...I need advice... please help.

30_years Is there anything I can do?
  • replies: 1

Husband of 30 years with depression managed with meds recently made redundant at 57, says happy to be early retired but now depressive. I always feel it is my fault. Not speaking , moody, can't even say have you had a good day. So mean to me sometime... View more

Husband of 30 years with depression managed with meds recently made redundant at 57, says happy to be early retired but now depressive. I always feel it is my fault. Not speaking , moody, can't even say have you had a good day. So mean to me sometimes. Was physically threatened once though he doesn't remember it. If this is retirement do I have the rest of my life to look forward to this? He sees a psychologist every two weeks and is on meds. Can't talk, he turns everything against me (super intelligent). Most I can say is hello. Every comment, such as any news is met with antagonism.Is this it for the rest of our lives? Just want to cry and make it all go away. Bringing me so down. I am the one working and supporting him, yet he is so mean to me. History of withdrawal. Kids' birthdays I managed myself while he withdrew to the bedroom.

Phattylovesit I knew he was depressed when I fell in love with him... Sometimes the going gets tough. Any advice?
  • replies: 2

When I met my husband he was just a guy and I was in a relationship with another. When we got to know each other, I found him reckless, a bad influence, a loose canon. He just didn't care about life or anyone... or himself. We bonded over our experie... View more

When I met my husband he was just a guy and I was in a relationship with another. When we got to know each other, I found him reckless, a bad influence, a loose canon. He just didn't care about life or anyone... or himself. We bonded over our experiences with depression. His life has been genuinely complicated since childhood ( death, drama, relationships, substance abuse). Mine was more genetic and situational (history + trigger). I am taking anti-depressants that work. He has tried them all..... He medicates himself with alcohol and weed, but they are only a brain-numbing experience, not a treatment. The down times are the worst. He is a shift worker, so being sleep deprived and lacking regular contact bugs him, as does everything in general on his bad days... The negativity is infective and I have no idea how to support him without shouting him down.... Is there anyone who has some advice from a similar situation? PS sedatives seem to work on him but his past and prolonged history prevent easy access, and he is negative to everything including counselling and drug therapy (says he's tried them all). It's hard, I feel like he's looking for an excuse to not feel better but I KNOW that he should and could. I am with this man until the wheels fall off because he is my best friend and helped me through my darkest time. Any advice?