Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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How do I know

replies: 10

My husband of 5 years has told me in the past month that he is bipolar. This- although a bit of a relief, was still a surprise. I have a friend who is bipolar and has struggled with alot of issues over the years. The discussion while upsetting, is almost a relief. My husband has been very cruel over the past 12 a 14 months. Short tongued, impatient, nasty, rude. My children wonder why I put up with him and the way he talks to me. Sometimes I do too. He has hidden his illness from me until recently. My belief is because he felt he was fractured. I do feel like I have been misled. Marriage is supposed,to be a partnership where each party is honest. I feel like I have been betrayed. I have spent a lot of time reading information on mental illness in the past weeks- what it is, what families can do, how to tell the signs. But I signed up for a partnership where mutual respect and courtesy was part of the deal. Deciept, anger, selfishness were not the qualities I hoped for in my partner. The 'best friend' I had has been lost for the past 4 years and the man I fell in love with has not surfaced since just after our wedding day. I am the sole supporter of a family of 5. I work a lot, Cook the meals, clean the house and am the glue that holds this family together. To be treated terribly, in front of family, friends is not what's I had hoped for. Please explain if this is normal behaviour for a bipolar male and if there is help. When I suggest seeing the doctor together, I am met with , "it's my issue- it doesn't concern you.' When I explain that we are all part of this illness, that we all love and support my husband, he tells me that he would be best not around. How do I cope with this? Our day to day life is terrible, intimacy is non existent and my life is lonely. Any advise would be very appreciated.

Fifty Shades of mental health? A biographic smear on a relationship with 'Grey'

replies: 2

I just came home from watching 50 shades of grey with my best friend.. She invited me and I had to admit I was curious, but it turned out to be soft porn if u consider it superficially really... Those who read this may need to see the movie.. I saw it and had not read any of the books at all.. One striking thing that really resonated with me was how Ana Steele felt about Grey. She could see exposed bits & pieces of him, though he was very hard, regimented and cold in his approach to life. And he knew exactly who he was (as a sadistic guy who used BDSM as a guilty outlet for satisfaction driven by his traumatic childhood) and he was well aware, and willingly accepted that nothing could change him. Even though he breaks his owns rules for her, and she falls madly in love with him, he is who he is but she still can't see through it & thinks she can handle him but it turns out in the end of the movie she really can't.. (I'm not really sure why she loves him other than he buys her extravagant gifts and takes her on gravity defying joy rides)But I feel I can identify with Ana: Loving a man who is well aware of who he is and is sadistic - he gets enjoyment out of hurting ppl. It sounds horrible, but I have accepted that that is the truth about some ppl with mental illness, it makes them feel relief when they are hurting others. Maybe because they know that someone out there in the world feels the same hurt that they feel every day.. I am not sure and my husband never would admit it truthfully, maybe I am completely wrong.. I am unsure whether the author wanted to write about sex, forbidden love or find a really enticing way to educate ppl on the insiders perspective of being in a "relationship" with someone who has a mental illness.. But I don't ever want My husband to see this movie because he will feel horrible afterwards. He would definitely identify with Grey and feel bad because of pain he has put our family through. My husband has never been into s&m but harms ppl in the way of emotional and verbal abuse until we cry or are visibly traumatised and then backs off.. I am scared of him just how Ana is scared of Grey all the time, but she has this passionate, willingness to try and "fix" him and show him her undying love for him.. It's so funny that my take on the film may be totally different to my friend's take on it even though we were sitting beside each other watching the exact same thing...

I think my wife is on a destrutive path

replies: 16

Hi guys How do I approch an angry depressed type. Especially since she wears a smiley mask around others.we have 3 young kids under 7 and a mortgage. She is constantly confrontation toward me. Even over silly things. Believes she is hard done by. Wont allow my input in our finacial issues. I do the lion share of housework. Quite often in addition to the washing sweeping mopping I do after a night shift I still do the school run and clean up from last nights dinner. (Because she is too tired).And if a dont get everything done I am treating her as a slave. She occasionally says she wants to run away.But I love her. She started a conversation a while back. And the keypoints were. She does know what she wants. Does know if she loves me. And that sex (she rarely allows it. maybe 4-5 times a year) makes her feel dirty. I believe anxiety and depression are at work here. We are going to couselling in a fortnight but im worried that if she ends up leaving. (Her mother walked out on her twice) that she will end up so deep in a hole that she cant get out. Me I just want a normal loving marriage with intimacy. Not tiptoing around on eggshells

How do I approach my husband about using gaming to suppress depressive feelings?

replies: 6

My Husband has had depression for about 6 years now. He has struggled with it for most of this time. I so proud to say that he is now receiving treatment and taking on support to lead to recover. We have been married for about a year and a half and have only just got our internet up and running. My husband use to be quite an avid gamer when he was single but the place we moved into didn't have internet. Long story short my husband has started receiving (and wanting) help for his depression and making great progress. However right now we have the internet and he is currently off work. It seems like all he does is play games or work on his car (more so the games). He hardly leaves the house and his job isn't due to start for a few weeks. I have been upset about it and to his credit he has made efforts to either come to bed at the same time or turn it off for a while when i'm home. But lately he seems more aggressive about it and more annoyed when i ask him to turn it off. He gets irritable and then turns his attention to games, mainly war related that he plays with "friends" online that he doesn't know. I've read about certain links between depression and war games. I dont think it causes depression but i think he uses it to escape. I end up just annoying him or making him cross because i dont like him playing them fullstop.I hate making him angry and end up feeling like im pushing him too much or i'll make depression worse.

Husband' depression is getting me down

replies: 4

My husband has suffered from anxiety which is aggravated by change. I have been through this a few times in our 9 year relationship. However in January last year it escalated to depression with the combined change of a house move & a new baby (who arrived in March). My husband believes it is all my fault. That I pushed to move house and that this caused his depression. I did push to move house as we had made the decision together and in the past after the change had occured he got better fairly quickly. This time ge did not. Thankfully I had PND pamphlets floating around for me which I read & led me here so I helped seek treatment which has led to medication & psychological treatment. His perception of this help is that I was just ticking another thing of my pre baby checklist. His perception of me is that I am a horrible person who treats him with disdain. This isnt true and but has me walking on eggshells around him terrified that the next thing I say will cause him to withdraw. I have no idea how to change his thinking and I have no idea how to stay in a relationship like this with someone I once loved but I don't know anymore. I think I thought after a year he would be improving. So I've held it together. I have been strong & working so hard to get him back to me. But I need support and I don't know how much longer I can be the supportive/responsible one holding up the relationship for. This has turned into a vent & I have had a little cry which is good to get it out. For those of you that support a partner with depression or have depression & are in a long term relationship what makes a supportive partner. How do you keep yourself happy - how do you fight this misperception?

Please help! Pregnant hanging on by a thread. My

replies: 5

Hi. I need advice re. my ex partner's mental health & suicidal thoughts. My ex partner & i no longer live together, i'm still in our home, while he is living with his aunty however, we still talk on a daily basis. My ex partner suffers with depression and anxiety. He is currently on antidepressants, he has been for some years. During my his teenage years he had a heavy drug addiction problem & was hospitalised for suicidal thoughts and/or attempted suicide. I did not know my ex partner during this time & I am unsure of the exact details as it is not something we discuss. In his 20's he had got clean and was pursuing what life has to offer him in a positive and upward direction. 3 years ago his father died unexpectedly & since then he has taken backward's steps. The past 2 years have been an roller coaster of emotions and i am at my wits end. I am still madly in love with my ex partner & care about him deeply. I have made all kinds of suggestions trying to help: gp, counsellor, naturopath, sport, exercising, eat healthily, different medications, writing in a journal, joining a group with like members, day clinics, i even suggested hospitalisation. My ex partner dismisses any suggestion i make as he is of the opinion they do not work. My ex partner now has a drug addiction again & has now started taking illegal steroids. I am no expert but both of those things are unhealthy for any person, I highly doubt they will contribute to his mental status in a positive manner. A few times a week he speaks of suicide, usually in a threatening manner, blaming me for his emotions. I am 22 weeks pregnant. This is our first child. I do not want to live my life without my ex partner by my side but i do not agree with the way in which he is choosing to live his life at the moment and i most definitely do not see it as an acceptable or healthy environment for a child (hence the ex). That aside, i have my own physical health delimas which are ongoing (unsure of how i am pregnant to begin with, this baby is truly a miracle) and i am not coping with my own issues let alone the stress of trying to help my ex partner. I do not know what else to do to help him. I know if something horrible were to happen to him that it would not be my fault but I cannot help but feel to blame when he constantly says that i am. I feel so helpless, what else do I do?beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

My Husband suffers from depression and anxiety. How can i help him?

replies: 2

First of all please forgive the long post. My Husband has suffered from depression and anxiety prior to being together. I don't know the full story about what happened beforehand by choice but i understand that it was very bad and he had attempted suicide twice. He is on anti-depressants and sees a psychiatrist when he feels he needs too. We have been together now for 5 years and although i have been told by my in laws that i was the best thing that happened to him and that he is so much better off, i have also seen how this depression takes him over when he has and forgive my ignorance "episodes". It breaks my heart to see him like this. I love him very much and i hate watching him go through this. It can be very hard at at times as i have no clue as to whats going on in his mind or what i can do to help and even though there are times where i'm at my wits end, i have never considered leaving him. I feel like we were meant to be for a reason. I have come to pick up on the signs of when he starts to feel down and even though i ask him if he is OK and he says yes there is always that feeling that its not and then the time comes when he tells me that he isn't feeling right. He doesn't tell me straight away cause he doesn't want me to worry and i can understand that cause i do tend to worry but at the same time the irrational side of me feels he is shutting me out. During his episodes i am always by his side and i try to get him to talk and tell me what brought them on and sometimes he will say stress at work or financial problems. Other times its just i don't know. He doesn't have suicidal thoughts anymore (thank god) as he wants to live for myself, him, our son and our unborn baby girl. I have tried talking to family and friends for advice, but they just don't seem to understand. he has started a new job recently and i cant not help but feel that this job is doing more harm than good mentally as he seems to be emerged in it. I never asked him to take the job as i dont care bout anything else but us being together as a family and i have told him this, but i think he has a need to provide for his family. He is a fantastic husband, father and provider and he does not deserve to go through this. I'm coming here hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice as to what to do. I have tried everything i can to help him and i think that at the moment because i am pregnant my hormones are a bit more wired than usual which is why im struggling a bit more. RELATED THREADS Upset and distressed about my husband Feel desperate about my husband with double depression and avoidant personality traits I don't know what to do - partner's anxiety Worried sick about my partner Struggling to cope with my husband's depression

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

replies: 16

Hi, My husband and I have been married for only 9 months and I think he is depressed or has some sort of mental illness. I'm guessing the latter is the case as he is quite reactionary (in a negative, defensive way) to most things that I say (regardless of the topic). When we were engaged he called it off twice. Immediately after our honeymoon he got an illness that inflames the vestibular nerve in the middle ear - affecting balance and co-ordination. I supported him emotionally, financially and physically through this. There is no known cure and he was given exercises by the specialist to help him manage his illness. It 'goes away' over time. Then a couple of weeks later he was commencing on-line studies (that lasted for 2-3 months). By his own admission he isn't that proficient with a computer and I am so I helped him with his computer skills. It meant that I couldn't really leave home for too long as when I was away and then come back home he'd be stressing and crying (yes crying) about not being able to do the assignments and didn't achieve much on the computer as he forgot how to save/open a word document. I had shown him what he needed to know on a daily basis and he wrote the instructions down once but lost them. I, once again, supported him through this as well. It's only been since he hasn't been sick with the illness or not studying that I can start to have a 'normal' newlywed life with him. He doesn't see things that way. He forgets how I helped him with his course and when he was sick and he regularly complains about why we haven't made love since we got married. I gently explained to him that when he was sick with the illness (that lasted 3 months) he wasn't able to as the illness drained his energy and zest for life; secondly, when he was studying I felt more like a parent to him than a wife and I found it hard to see him literally crying about not having reached his word limit yet on an assignment. He was living breathing and eating his study and there was no time for me to tell him about my day. That was ok with me as I would tell my friends etc and given that he was so distressed about his studying and had little faith in his ability to pass (he passed all his assignments) I didn't want to stress him out any further by asking for help about something I may have needed help with. I'm at the stage where I can't seem to speak to him in logical terms as he gets defensive, thinks everything is about him. Please help.

What happens to a family when one its members survives a near death experience.

replies: 8

My daughter seems to be very angry and anxious after her husband suffered, and recovered well from, a cardiac arrest a few months ago. Her tendency has always been to tell others how to live their lives, but now she seems to be hyper critical of the behaviour of friends and family members to the point where I find her company incredibly stressful much as I love her. Today I have hit back at her calling her thoughtless and selfish and I feel very bad, very tearful and still somewhat justified in being annoyed with her even though I wish I had said nothing over what was a small incident. Am I over-reacting to her behaviour? I fear for the wellbeing of her marriage and her children whom I love dearly, if she cannot alter her behaviour. How do I cut off from feeling responsible for her behaviour and accept she must live her life her way, even if I think it is destructive.

Help needed - 29yr old brother who might be seriously depressed

replies: 1

Hi - I'm a new member, 31 years old, sister of a 29 year old man who I am getting increasingly worried about. My younger brother is bright and creative yet struggles to hold down a job, and has dropped out of two uni courses (never got past the first term of the first year). Has had a few casual relationships with much younger, fragile girls. Quit his most recent job at a bar (has only ever worked at a bar) as he had trouble with management. He doesnt like any kind of authority. He has really bad eczema, all over his body and awful on his face which affects his confidence. He has had trouble with running up online gambling debts, thinking he's smarter than the system (he's not), and can always win (he doesn't). He is currently living in a unit owned by our loving (if a bit interfering and overbearing) parents, hasn't worked for about 8 months, has no money, pays no rent or bills, and sleeps all the time - mainly during the day. He has cried in front of my mum as he really has very few friends, no relationship, an inability to hold down a job, no money, seriously bad skin disorder. He puts on a brave face for me, but I know things are bad. i think he needs to seek professional help but he is so typical for a young man - proud, embarrassed, he won't even see a dermatologist for his skin. We are all so worried but he won't open up, won't stay in touch if we try and talk to him (avoid calls / texts etc). Does anyone have any advice? I'm so worried and he won't open up. he doesn't really drink but I think he takes a lot of non-prescription painkillers for a sore back. Thanks, Mrs D

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

How do I know replies: 10

Fifty Shades of mental health? A biographic smear on a relationship with 'Grey' replies: 2

I think my wife is on a destrutive path replies: 16

How do I approach my husband about using gaming to suppress depressive feelings? replies: 6

Husband' depression is getting me down replies: 4

Please help! Pregnant hanging on by a thread. My replies: 5

My Husband suffers from depression and anxiety. How can i help him? replies: 2

Upset and Distressed about my husband. replies: 16

What happens to a family when one its members survives a near death experience. replies: 8

Help needed - 29yr old brother who might be seriously depressed replies: 1