Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

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Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Husband' depression is getting me down

replies: 4

My husband has suffered from anxiety which is aggravated by change. I have been through this a few times in our 9 year relationship. However in January last year it escalated to depression with the combined change of a house move & a new baby (who arrived in March). My husband believes it is all my fault. That I pushed to move house and that this caused his depression. I did push to move house as we had made the decision together and in the past after the change had occured he got better fairly quickly. This time ge did not. Thankfully I had PND pamphlets floating around for me which I read & led me here so I helped seek treatment which has led to medication & psychological treatment. His perception of this help is that I was just ticking another thing of my pre baby checklist. His perception of me is that I am a horrible person who treats him with disdain. This isnt true and but has me walking on eggshells around him terrified that the next thing I say will cause him to withdraw. I have no idea how to change his thinking and I have no idea how to stay in a relationship like this with someone I once loved but I don't know anymore. I think I thought after a year he would be improving. So I've held it together. I have been strong & working so hard to get him back to me. But I need support and I don't know how much longer I can be the supportive/responsible one holding up the relationship for. This has turned into a vent & I have had a little cry which is good to get it out. For those of you that support a partner with depression or have depression & are in a long term relationship what makes a supportive partner. How do you keep yourself happy - how do you fight this misperception?

Please help! Pregnant hanging on by a thread. My

replies: 5

Hi. I need advice re. my ex partner's mental health & suicidal thoughts. My ex partner & i no longer live together, i'm still in our home, while he is living with his aunty however, we still talk on a daily basis. My ex partner suffers with depression and anxiety. He is currently on antidepressants, he has been for some years. During my his teenage years he had a heavy drug addiction problem & was hospitalised for suicidal thoughts and/or attempted suicide. I did not know my ex partner during this time & I am unsure of the exact details as it is not something we discuss. In his 20's he had got clean and was pursuing what life has to offer him in a positive and upward direction. 3 years ago his father died unexpectedly & since then he has taken backward's steps. The past 2 years have been an roller coaster of emotions and i am at my wits end. I am still madly in love with my ex partner & care about him deeply. I have made all kinds of suggestions trying to help: gp, counsellor, naturopath, sport, exercising, eat healthily, different medications, writing in a journal, joining a group with like members, day clinics, i even suggested hospitalisation. My ex partner dismisses any suggestion i make as he is of the opinion they do not work. My ex partner now has a drug addiction again & has now started taking illegal steroids. I am no expert but both of those things are unhealthy for any person, I highly doubt they will contribute to his mental status in a positive manner. A few times a week he speaks of suicide, usually in a threatening manner, blaming me for his emotions. I am 22 weeks pregnant. This is our first child. I do not want to live my life without my ex partner by my side but i do not agree with the way in which he is choosing to live his life at the moment and i most definitely do not see it as an acceptable or healthy environment for a child (hence the ex). That aside, i have my own physical health delimas which are ongoing (unsure of how i am pregnant to begin with, this baby is truly a miracle) and i am not coping with my own issues let alone the stress of trying to help my ex partner. I do not know what else to do to help him. I know if something horrible were to happen to him that it would not be my fault but I cannot help but feel to blame when he constantly says that i am. I feel so helpless, what else do I do?beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

My Husband suffers from depression and anxiety. How can i help him?

replies: 2

First of all please forgive the long post. My Husband has suffered from depression and anxiety prior to being together. I don't know the full story about what happened beforehand by choice but i understand that it was very bad and he had attempted suicide twice. He is on anti-depressants and sees a psychiatrist when he feels he needs too. We have been together now for 5 years and although i have been told by my in laws that i was the best thing that happened to him and that he is so much better off, i have also seen how this depression takes him over when he has and forgive my ignorance "episodes". It breaks my heart to see him like this. I love him very much and i hate watching him go through this. It can be very hard at at times as i have no clue as to whats going on in his mind or what i can do to help and even though there are times where i'm at my wits end, i have never considered leaving him. I feel like we were meant to be for a reason. I have come to pick up on the signs of when he starts to feel down and even though i ask him if he is OK and he says yes there is always that feeling that its not and then the time comes when he tells me that he isn't feeling right. He doesn't tell me straight away cause he doesn't want me to worry and i can understand that cause i do tend to worry but at the same time the irrational side of me feels he is shutting me out. During his episodes i am always by his side and i try to get him to talk and tell me what brought them on and sometimes he will say stress at work or financial problems. Other times its just i don't know. He doesn't have suicidal thoughts anymore (thank god) as he wants to live for myself, him, our son and our unborn baby girl. I have tried talking to family and friends for advice, but they just don't seem to understand. he has started a new job recently and i cant not help but feel that this job is doing more harm than good mentally as he seems to be emerged in it. I never asked him to take the job as i dont care bout anything else but us being together as a family and i have told him this, but i think he has a need to provide for his family. He is a fantastic husband, father and provider and he does not deserve to go through this. I'm coming here hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice as to what to do. I have tried everything i can to help him and i think that at the moment because i am pregnant my hormones are a bit more wired than usual which is why im struggling a bit more. RELATED THREADS Upset and distressed about my husband Feel desperate about my husband with double depression and avoidant personality traits I don't know what to do - partner's anxiety Worried sick about my partner Struggling to cope with my husband's depression

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

replies: 16

Hi, My husband and I have been married for only 9 months and I think he is depressed or has some sort of mental illness. I'm guessing the latter is the case as he is quite reactionary (in a negative, defensive way) to most things that I say (regardless of the topic). When we were engaged he called it off twice. Immediately after our honeymoon he got an illness that inflames the vestibular nerve in the middle ear - affecting balance and co-ordination. I supported him emotionally, financially and physically through this. There is no known cure and he was given exercises by the specialist to help him manage his illness. It 'goes away' over time. Then a couple of weeks later he was commencing on-line studies (that lasted for 2-3 months). By his own admission he isn't that proficient with a computer and I am so I helped him with his computer skills. It meant that I couldn't really leave home for too long as when I was away and then come back home he'd be stressing and crying (yes crying) about not being able to do the assignments and didn't achieve much on the computer as he forgot how to save/open a word document. I had shown him what he needed to know on a daily basis and he wrote the instructions down once but lost them. I, once again, supported him through this as well. It's only been since he hasn't been sick with the illness or not studying that I can start to have a 'normal' newlywed life with him. He doesn't see things that way. He forgets how I helped him with his course and when he was sick and he regularly complains about why we haven't made love since we got married. I gently explained to him that when he was sick with the illness (that lasted 3 months) he wasn't able to as the illness drained his energy and zest for life; secondly, when he was studying I felt more like a parent to him than a wife and I found it hard to see him literally crying about not having reached his word limit yet on an assignment. He was living breathing and eating his study and there was no time for me to tell him about my day. That was ok with me as I would tell my friends etc and given that he was so distressed about his studying and had little faith in his ability to pass (he passed all his assignments) I didn't want to stress him out any further by asking for help about something I may have needed help with. I'm at the stage where I can't seem to speak to him in logical terms as he gets defensive, thinks everything is about him. Please help.

What happens to a family when one its members survives a near death experience.

replies: 8

My daughter seems to be very angry and anxious after her husband suffered, and recovered well from, a cardiac arrest a few months ago. Her tendency has always been to tell others how to live their lives, but now she seems to be hyper critical of the behaviour of friends and family members to the point where I find her company incredibly stressful much as I love her. Today I have hit back at her calling her thoughtless and selfish and I feel very bad, very tearful and still somewhat justified in being annoyed with her even though I wish I had said nothing over what was a small incident. Am I over-reacting to her behaviour? I fear for the wellbeing of her marriage and her children whom I love dearly, if she cannot alter her behaviour. How do I cut off from feeling responsible for her behaviour and accept she must live her life her way, even if I think it is destructive.

Help needed - 29yr old brother who might be seriously depressed

replies: 1

Hi - I'm a new member, 31 years old, sister of a 29 year old man who I am getting increasingly worried about. My younger brother is bright and creative yet struggles to hold down a job, and has dropped out of two uni courses (never got past the first term of the first year). Has had a few casual relationships with much younger, fragile girls. Quit his most recent job at a bar (has only ever worked at a bar) as he had trouble with management. He doesnt like any kind of authority. He has really bad eczema, all over his body and awful on his face which affects his confidence. He has had trouble with running up online gambling debts, thinking he's smarter than the system (he's not), and can always win (he doesn't). He is currently living in a unit owned by our loving (if a bit interfering and overbearing) parents, hasn't worked for about 8 months, has no money, pays no rent or bills, and sleeps all the time - mainly during the day. He has cried in front of my mum as he really has very few friends, no relationship, an inability to hold down a job, no money, seriously bad skin disorder. He puts on a brave face for me, but I know things are bad. i think he needs to seek professional help but he is so typical for a young man - proud, embarrassed, he won't even see a dermatologist for his skin. We are all so worried but he won't open up, won't stay in touch if we try and talk to him (avoid calls / texts etc). Does anyone have any advice? I'm so worried and he won't open up. he doesn't really drink but I think he takes a lot of non-prescription painkillers for a sore back. Thanks, Mrs D

Should I stay or leave?

replies: 1

My partner and I have been together for about 6 months now. He had chased me for a long time but I didn't feel ready. But once we got together I fell in love quickly and want things for my future that I hadnt wanted with anyone else. Anyway, before we got together his sister killed herself. He relied on me a lot during this time and I felt we were bonded in a way as my best friend had done the same thing, in the same way. So I understood and do understand the different stages you go through when something like that happens. The problem is though, straight after it happened he blocked his emotions because he was too busy taking care of his parents and others around him. So yes he seemed down obviously but he was still himself. Now, nearly a year after it happened he is at the worst point I think he has been in. I am not asking for any sympathy as obviously this is such a traumatic thing that has happened to him but as a partner, someone who has been prone to depression in the past myself, its hard to be around that and not resent the way hes become, the life we are living and disappointment in the life I thought we would live to what the reality is. We never do anything, he just wants to watch tv all the time where he used to always be doing things, going places.. He says he doesn't know how to have fun anymore. We hardly ever have sex, which comes from both sides - him probably cos hes depressed and just not feeling sexy and from me, because I feel disconnected from him. I feel there is no passion anymore. I feel we are just friends or flatmates. I dont feel loved. I feel like I am irritating to him and that he doesn't want me around. He rolls his eyes at me. He gets angry easily. I dont look forward to coming home. I feel depressed about it all myself and the life we are living. I have told him all this before and he understands it and says things will change and he needs to show me more love but they don't. So should I stay and support and bring myself down with him? Or should I leave?

Communication problems with long distance boyfriend

replies: 0

So im really struggling at the moment and i have no where else to post this. I kinda just need to vent i guess. My boyfriend of over 3 years lives 4 hours away. He has depression and anxiety and i have bipolar. We have always struggled with communication and i tend to think a lot of it is his doing (although i KNOW im not easy either). To be honest im not even sure where to start. I guess a brief history is best? He was adopted and has had little communication with his drug addled birth mother. She is not interested in having a relationship with him although he hangs on to it, regularly the cause of his anger. His adoptive mother died 5 years ago. His ex wife and another girlfriend left him close to bankrupt and he recently paid off the debt they left him with. He struggles with abandonment issues. He had a victim mentality and when he isnt playing victim he is busy hating himself for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life. January is the anniversary of his mothers death and also her birthday, its also the time of the year we spend the longest apart. He gets lonely but wont move here, and is impossible to deal with from xmas till his birthday in February. So, back to the communication problems. I suck at this. A lot. Im not good at sympathy, as the way ive always lived (and it hasnt been easy) is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. If you cant ask for help. I dont wallow i dont complain and ive never been a victim of my circumstances. He is the exact opposite. He feels that he cant say anything without upsetting me, and i feel i cant say anything without upsetting him!!! He has had the same issue with all girlfriends yet ive never had this issue before. Ive stopped telling him anything much, because it always comes back to him and whats going on with him. I struggle with an arthritic condition too so im often in pain, yet i refuse to bring others down because of it. Im tired of him complaining about everything all the time, while my problems go un heard. I dont know how to respond to his stuff, because he either gets upset, says i dont understand, gets angry or sulks. I find it frustrating and im sure he does too, but i dont know what im supposed to do! Im really at a loss with this, ive tried all sorts of different ways to communicate effectively and nothing works!! Im tired, and frustrated and upset and i wish i could help him, but i cant if its detrimental to my own health.

Feel desperate about my husband with double depression and avoidant personality traits

replies: 1

Hi everyone, I am a first time mother and I really feel desperate to deal with my husband. Could you please give me some advice?We met online at 2010 and married at 2013. On January 2014, I had our first baby. On February he was made redundant by his company which he worked there for 13 years. He went to depression episodes since March: he was missing twice, he was taken away from home by police once; he was admitted by psychiatric ward in hospital twice.I felt very sad to see him suffer and I tried my best to support him: took him to see GP, searched the websites to find the treatment and psychologist for him, accompany him for the medical appointments, running between home and hospital to see him and support him. At meantime, I need to look after my baby and adjust myself as a first time mother with all sorts of pressure from life… In September, he was diagnosed by psychiatrist with Dysthymic disorder (more than 20 years), Superimposing major depression episode and Avoidant personality traits. And since October, we decided to go to private mental hospital for Day program training and his depression has been controlled. However, his personality started to change from a gentle person to a very picky and aggressive person. And his behaviour has become erratic and unpredictable. Under huge stress for nearly one year, my body started to show warning signs to me: my heart started to have extra heart beat and I can not breathe property but only with shallow breathing. While I found difficulty to cope with the stress in life, he was so focus on “speak out his voice” and “fix the problems” on me. In December, he did family violence (emotional abuse and isolation) on me. Under the help of social worker, I moved out with my baby and rent a property. And I took the advice from social work and applied intervention order from court. But on the hearing day, I decided to withdraw the application as I don’t want to hurthim. After I moved out, he has been very angry with me and he claimed to see baby and looked after baby by himself for 3 days a week. I scared about him and proposed supervised access. He did not like it and he did not allowed me to travel internationally with baby to visit my family until baby is 18 years old...we can not sign the parenting plan and I do not feel safe to take baby to him. Both of us felt frustrated! I do not know how to solve this problem except go to court.....

Partners shyness and severe social anxiety is killing our relationship.

replies: 2

Hi, I need some advice on how to cope with my partners severe shyness and social anxiety. We are both in our 30s and have known each other for 18 years, been in a relationship for a year, getting married next year. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving man ive ever met, I love him dearly but his anxiety issues are having an intense impact on our lives. He does not socialize in any situation, he sits and just listens, he has no friends except for me and panics if I want to leave the house to see friends or anything without him. He follows me around the house constantly and whenever I say I need some space for a few hours he refuses to listen and respect it. He does not like any time alone and I am at the end of my rope. Help me:(

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Husband' depression is getting me down replies: 4

Please help! Pregnant hanging on by a thread. My replies: 5

My Husband suffers from depression and anxiety. How can i help him? replies: 2

Upset and Distressed about my husband. replies: 16

What happens to a family when one its members survives a near death experience. replies: 8

Help needed - 29yr old brother who might be seriously depressed replies: 1

Should I stay or leave? replies: 1

Communication problems with long distance boyfriend replies: 0

Feel desperate about my husband with double depression and avoidant personality traits replies: 1

Partners shyness and severe social anxiety is killing our relationship. replies: 2