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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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FeatherPlucking I don' t know what to do with my partner...
  • replies: 2

I'll try and keep this short but this year I moved out for the first time with my boyfriend into a shared house with three others, out of the five of us four of us work at the same place. Through out the year it's been hard dealing with my anxiety an... View more

I'll try and keep this short but this year I moved out for the first time with my boyfriend into a shared house with three others, out of the five of us four of us work at the same place. Through out the year it's been hard dealing with my anxiety and my partners anger outbursts, we're both seeking professional help though I feel like my partner is ignoring his therapists advice and using a lot more of it ax an excuse to get angry. I've tried so much to help him and I always bounce back after a fighting to give him the support and comfort he needs but it's getting harder to support him when is rather shout at him and his outburst are scary when he throws stuff, I' m scared of him hurting himself or someone as he says he isn't suicidal but engages in reckless activities that can harm him I'm not sure if I should reconsider living or working with him at this point... Sorry if this is rushed I'm typing it up at work...RELATED THREADSTips for caring for a loved oneLoving someone who is depressed but has pushed me away, what do I do?Living with the blame for a partner's illnessHusband refusing to seek helpLiving with a depressed partner for 10 yearsIf you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

PugsLoveHugs How to help when you can't talk about it
  • replies: 2

My gorgeous boyfriend sent me a message that confirmed my worries. He has approached me a couple of times before about needing help but it's hard for him to admit that he's not okay. I have major depression and take various medications including a mo... View more

My gorgeous boyfriend sent me a message that confirmed my worries. He has approached me a couple of times before about needing help but it's hard for him to admit that he's not okay. I have major depression and take various medications including a mood stabiliser. Here's what he wrote: I'm sorry I've been how I've been the last few weeks. I don't know what it is or even how to describe it. I know I need to do things like clean up inside and outside, do the rest of my presentation, do more resumes, be nicer and more loving to you. I have a list a mile long of things I need to service on my car, there's parts there too but I don't do it. I just feel blah, there's no other way to describe it, there's no motivation to do anything [...] I feel bad but I can't reverse the situation [ ... ] because I have no income. I'm not living I'm just existing, and barely at that. I don't know how to motivate myself to get things done, I have poor time management, I don't know how to fix it. You've been so good to me and I don't deserve it. ive let him know how much me means to me, we've been through so much and we will be together for the rest of our lives, but I'm worried about him. Being a boy, he is reluctant to see a GP about it. I've put him onto mindfulness training and done my best to help him with as much as I can, but it's not touching the root of his problems. He is an amazing man who helps anyone and everyone with whatever needs doing. He doesn't realise how smart and professional he is, he definitely sells himself short which is a self esteem issue. His current lack of employment is really draining him, my Centrelink payments have ended as I've finished a bachelors degree and I pay half of the bills his mum makes him pay as a punishment for not finishing uni yet when his younger sister already has a job in mining. I really need a hand with the topic of depression and unemployment and in young men. I Can't stand to see this incredible individual thinking he's useless and getting by on just existing.

JCarr I wish I could make him talk!
  • replies: 4

I have been with my husband for 4 years now and he has been through a lot in his life, with the loss of his father to a suicide and loss of his mother to cancer when he was only 13 and the lives with friends from place to place and using all types of... View more

I have been with my husband for 4 years now and he has been through a lot in his life, with the loss of his father to a suicide and loss of his mother to cancer when he was only 13 and the lives with friends from place to place and using all types of drugs. He later met a girl and had children with her but they lost their children to the Department of Community Services. While their children where in the states care he also lost his girlfriend in a car accident where he was in a car behind them at the time and seen it all being the first on the scene. He again hit low points and contemplated suicide and used multiple drugs, that's when I stepped in and started living with him to help get his life on track again. Today you wouldn't even recognise him! He is healthy, working, not using drugs and has a hole new personality all together! He honestly is a lucky man to still be here after all he has been through, but he still has his down moments. Cries and gets real low, doesn't like himself and feels like nobody likes him, he has some friends but never wants to hang out with them. He is very clingy to me and demanding of all my time. I want him to talk to someone as he never has ever! I just wish I could make him go see someone and experience what it's like talking it out with someone that can help him, but he refuses everytime I ask him too. I myself am a community care nurse and have previously studied mental health and community services, I can understand him and where he is at because of this training and everyday experience I have with individuals in similar circumstances. If only we could trade places for a day so I can help him! I am the stronger minded one out of us and wish I could somehow I fluence him to seek help! Men and their pride aye!

Mr_Turmoil Dealing with a partner with undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder
  • replies: 2

Hi guys and gals, I've been reading through the forum for the past couple of months and have found many helpful life tips for living with a partner with mental health issues, however now I'm at a roadblock that I can't seem to understand. My partner ... View more

Hi guys and gals, I've been reading through the forum for the past couple of months and have found many helpful life tips for living with a partner with mental health issues, however now I'm at a roadblock that I can't seem to understand. My partner and I have been together for almost four years, she has a number of issues including arthritis, narcolepsy, OCD, depression and anxiety. Things between us were great for the first year and a half but now the love I once felt is dissipating. Now we fight constantly (mostly due to the narcolepsy meds) and arguments are daily. During which, she will use anything she can, taken out of context and twisted, to verbally assault me with. It only takes a single comment to turn her demeanour from happy (quite rare these days) to downright nasty, and it lasts sometimes for hours, more often days. So I try not to say anything that could produce this result and I can't stand it. The strangest thing is that most of the arguments are on the phone, but when we meet face to face it is as though the fight never happened, at all. Issues are never resolved and I'm left feeling lost & confused. It is as though my partner is two completely different people. I have asked her more times than I can count to see her psych but she refuses every time with a lame excuse. Now she wants to marry me and have kids, which I'm not prepared to do (especially as she broke up with me over the phone three times in the last two weeks, yeah, tact is the word) until she sorts herself out and at least starts to try and fix the issues, I've had enough of trying to make things work, I just can't do it any more. She tells me that I'm her last chance of having children (she is in her mid 30's) and if I break up with her then I am the one who screwed up her chance of ever having kids. I've lost most of my friends since we've been together as she never allows visitors to the house (even my family is yet to see where I live), I feel like she is controlling and is completely unable to understand how I feel and how she is making me feel. I just don't know what to do any more. I can't marry someone who I wouldn't trust with my kids; and I can't marry someone simply because it will make them feel better and make me resent her for the rest of our 'married' life. Marriage and kids are not a magic solution to depression, nothing good can come from it.

Jaamesss Helping depressed Mum and feeling down.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, This is my first time on BeyondBlue. I have been feeling quite down lately, and thought I would open myself to getting help and advice from friends in this community. Im unsure of the exact area in my life that I've been unhappy with aNd... View more

Hi everyone, This is my first time on BeyondBlue. I have been feeling quite down lately, and thought I would open myself to getting help and advice from friends in this community. Im unsure of the exact area in my life that I've been unhappy with aNd why I've felt so anxious and down lately. I have been taking care of my mum who's been really depressed, and on anti-depressants by her psychiatrist and has been getting better. It's been a tough couple of months taking care of her myself, but instead of feeling entirely happy/relieved that she's feeling better... I feel trapped and unexcited by ideas that I could be living with a her for the longest time. I love my mum more than anything in this world, and feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way... But as she has no friends or family, I am always holding off things to be by her side because I don't want her to be lonely. And of course, I enjoy her company also, she is the sweetest person ever.However, In turn... I feel incredibly lonely now. Who's there for me ? I've become unmotivated at work, and had taken leave for a week to do nothing at home all day, my friends and relatives are all too busy or seem to be enjoying themselves without my company, and I'm becoming more and more uninterested or not very excited by anything...I feel incredibly weird right now, as that's the best word I can describe it. a mix of guilt, anger, sadness, loneliness and bottled up emotions of wanting to let loose are consuming me. i would love to hear from anyone. thanks,James

coconut86 I want to help
  • replies: 5

Hello everyone. I've been reading through some of the other posts and you all seem so supportive of each other. I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years now. We were planning on moving in together ... View more

Hello everyone. I've been reading through some of the other posts and you all seem so supportive of each other. I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years now. We were planning on moving in together mid dec. This has been planned since early September. 2 weeks ago he has told me that he feel anxious and didn't want to move in because he could feel like it wouldn't work out. It was a bit of a shock but I've said I'd support him despite how hurt I was. After this he went of a 2 day bender drinking alone and turning off his phone. I was really worried that he had done something. Since then he's opened up to a few more people talking about his problems which it appears his anxiety and depression is mainly stemming from money. On Thursday night he came over to talk and tried to break up with me. He said his heart wasn't in etc. He said he still loved me and cared about me. But he wasn't sure if he was going to get better. He is refusing still to either talk to a gp/counsellor. And I'm at a loss. When I question him on things he gets angry and verbally aggressive or just completely shut down. He keeps changing his mind to if he can see me in his future. I really love him and I know that this isn't him. But I'm at a loss as to what to do. Sorry for the long post.

CLF Lost
  • replies: 5

Today I took the brave step and logged onto the beyond blue website, and realised I am not alone! my husband who I love dearly has been battling depression for the last year. He is supposed to take medication but this is a hit and miss. He has recent... View more

Today I took the brave step and logged onto the beyond blue website, and realised I am not alone! my husband who I love dearly has been battling depression for the last year. He is supposed to take medication but this is a hit and miss. He has recently stopped taking this as he feels it's making him tired and he can't function. He hates work, he has no energy to fight, why fight when you are only going to get knocked down. He has no passion for life! He recently told me how he had worked the train system out, at the time he told me he was in a good frame of mind, but now I worry about this. We have 2 beautiful children that worry about there dad, I feel like I am over compensating in love for them from the both of us! I feel so drained and just don't know what to do. He won't take his medication, he won't talk to anybody, he shuts himself up in the room... Please help me!

wornoutmum Pet Therapy
  • replies: 5

Hey everyone! My daughter is travelling so much better. After yet another disappointing appointment with authorities, we were talking about a friends horses. This friend and I use the term loosely had moved away about 6 months ago and left her horses... View more

Hey everyone! My daughter is travelling so much better. After yet another disappointing appointment with authorities, we were talking about a friends horses. This friend and I use the term loosely had moved away about 6 months ago and left her horses in the care of her 18 year old daughter. We decided to have a look at them. We were shocked and disgusted at the state of these 4 horses. We are in a drought here and to say they were walking(just) skeletons would be an understatement. We cried and cried together and then decided to help them. Little bits of food until they could cope with food, then we have been feeding for 3 weeks. My daughter is paying to feed them with her meager pay.. the comment on the worse of the horses was that he was old and dying anyway. so after getting advice on whether he could be saved, we approached them about making him ours. He is now ours. We couldn't see the others starve while he recovered enough to be moved so we still feed all of them. As much as this was a sad situation, the change in my daughter is incredible. Not only is she conscientious about them but also taking her meds. Having someone else ( horses have souls) to worry about and take responsibility for has made a huge improvement. She interacts not only with the horse but with us. I have my girl back. will this last forever - Maybe not but having the Love back is great. What will happen when he does die, I don't know. However she can be confident that she has done her best to give him a good life. this was something that we talked about before we took on the responsibility. those days when she can't get up? A gentle reminder that she has a helpless horse that is relying on her gets her up. she is also now starting to interact with her friends again. Realising that they were there for her and those that weren't are out of the picture. Can I recommend this to everyone? No because it may not be an option. I have to be ready to take on the role if she goes down again, which I am sure she will. But I can see the light starting to peek through and so can she!

holistichorse My husband won't seek help...
  • replies: 1

I have been with my husband for 10yrs, married for 2.He has always been a pretty happy carefree person. We have a 14month old son and in the last 12months my husband seems to have been in a downward spiral. It's a long story about what situation we'r... View more

I have been with my husband for 10yrs, married for 2.He has always been a pretty happy carefree person. We have a 14month old son and in the last 12months my husband seems to have been in a downward spiral. It's a long story about what situation we're in but the short of it is that in the last 12 months he has been having massive mood swings, getting angry over the slightest things such as leaving a coffee mug out, sleeping all the time, not being able to wake him and when I do he says and does things that hedoesn't remember doing later.He doesn't have a job as he's meant to be looking after our son, but he justseems to be working in his shed all the time and staying out there til the early hours of the morning. He's constantly yelling at me and when anything doesn't go his way he can' t cope. He has migraines all the time and he's been sicker in the last year then in the whole 9 before it. He doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me anymore and he doesn't see much of his friends and family either.we have been going to counselling together for the lady few months but he's even defensive with the counsellor and doesn't seem to tell her the whole truth. He has times when he gets so upset he becomes irrational like changing the locks on the house so I couldn't get in until I talked to him and agreed with what he wanted....i'm pretty sure I still love him but he's beginning to not resemble the man I married and I'm not sure how much more of this I can cope with.he's adamant there's nothing wrong with him & that he doesn't want to see anyone. I did get him to go to the doctor once when he slept for nearly 3 days but when the doctor referred him for blood tests he never went. i'm struggling to cope with living in a house where I feel like I'm treading on egg shells and scared of setting him off but he's hinted that if I ask for a break he won't ever come back.... I don't want him to leave if there's a chance we could get what we had back.today he told me that he was so unhappy that the only thing stopping him from killing himself was our son. But yet he still doesn't want to seek help.i cry every day as now I'm the one who's unhappy and I feel sad for what our life has become but how do you get someone to seek help if they don't want it?beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Kezv Husband has agreed to see a psychiatrist but won't get a referral
  • replies: 6

Hi. My husband had a heart attack last year at age 29 and has suffered from depression over the last year. This has affected him not working for bouts of 3 months, not talking to his friends and family for weeks at a time when he is depressed. He has... View more

Hi. My husband had a heart attack last year at age 29 and has suffered from depression over the last year. This has affected him not working for bouts of 3 months, not talking to his friends and family for weeks at a time when he is depressed. He has now agreed to see a psychiatrist to get medicated but refuses to see a GP to get the referral. I rang the specialist rooms and they won't see him without a referral. The GP won't give him a referral without seeing him and his cardiologist wouldn't give him a referral. Does anyone have any suggestions?