I wish I could make him talk!

[JCarr]

I have been with my husband for 4 years now and he has been through a lot in his life, with the loss of his father to a suicide and loss of his mother to cancer when he was only 13 and the lives with friends from place to place and using all types of drugs. He later met a girl and had children with her but they lost their children to the Department of Community Services. While their children where in the states care he also lost his girlfriend in a car accident where he was in a car behind them at the time and seen it all being the first on the scene. He again hit low points and contemplated suicide and used multiple drugs, that's when I stepped in and started living with him to help get his life on track again. Today you wouldn't even recognise him! He is healthy, working, not using drugs and has a hole new personality all together! He honestly is a lucky man to still be here after all he has been through, but he still has his down moments. Cries and gets real low, doesn't like himself and feels like nobody likes him, he has some friends but never wants to hang out with them. He is very clingy to me and demanding of all my time. I want him to talk to someone as he never has ever! I just wish I could make him go see someone and experience what it's like talking it out with someone that can help him, but he refuses everytime I ask him too. I myself am a community care nurse and have previously studied mental health and community services, I can understand him and where he is at because of this training and everyday experience I have with individuals in similar circumstances. If only we could trade places for a day so I can help him! I am the stronger minded one out of us and wish I could somehow I fluence him to seek help! Men and their pride aye! 

[Neil_1]

Dear JCarr

Thank you so much for coming here and being able to share your story.

Your husband certainly has a massive amount of baggage that he's carting along with him and I agree with you, that if he's able to seek assistance, that's going to benefit not only himself, but yourself as well.

Before I go much further, I would like to let you know just how incredible a person you must be and for the enormous turnaround you've been able to instill in your husband.  To take him from the low ebb of his life and to be able to lift him out of that, shows that you have a very special talent but also speaks volumes to me about the love and wonderful relationship you both must have.  That's really something beautiful.

JCarr, does he simply baulk at the idea of going to seek professional help, just saying "No - no-one can help me";   or is it him saying, "I can't go cause I wouldn't know what to say?"

I'm just wondering if he felt ok to do so, whether he could come here and chat with the posters who are on this site.  We are all fellow sufferers, who've all been through a massive range of different circumstances and backgrounds - and everyone who comes here is listened too, is assisted in whatever way we possibly can and above all else, is supported and taken in.

The other thing I might make mention of, on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of GP's available to be searched for.  These GP's are fully trained in being able to deal with mental health issues and as such, are highly recommended as they will not only properly diagnose and suggest possible referrals for counselling, but it is all done in a kind, caring and professional manner.

But I guess the main thing here JCarr is how can we get hubby to take that 'first step forward?'   There'll also be others along who will offer their thoughts and advice as well - so hopefully between a few of us, we might be able to trigger something in him that will prompt that first step.

Please post back - would love to hear from you again.

Neil

[geoff]

dear JCarr, what an incredible journey your husband has been on and through in his life, and what a fantastic person you are in helping him, which is something that he really needed.

I have to say that Neil's reply back is so very precise and excellent in what he has said, that I can't add to his comments, but somehow it's getting your husband to seek help.

I don't think it's possible that he's in denial, not after all he has been through, but maybe it could because he now knows how much he has changed, and now believes that nothing is wrong with himself, mind you this is because of you.

You have said those words 'I am the stronger minded one out of us', so if you told him to jump, he would say 'how high', and by saying this is of NO offence towards you, just saying.

Are you able to take him with you to work or to organise a meeting with those 'individuals in similar circumstances', I do realise that this would be an enormous task for yourself, but perhaps in the local Health Community where a counsellor will there to begin any conversations, if this does work then he may then be ready to see a psych.

I only suggest this because once he starts talking it's then the beginning for him to open up, maybe in theory it sounds good but whether or not it will work you'll have to wait and see. L Geoff. x

[white knight]

Hi Jcar, welcome

I agree with the good answers Neil and Geoff submitted.

Your husband might be afraid of having to dig up all the memories, nightmares, he has experienced to a counsellor. Also, he has only ever known his life as a roller coaster emotionally, hence his continuing emotional instability.

At the end of the day your ability to get him help is limited by his determination to accept it. One idea might be to read aloud some extracts from this forum, of similar situations. There are many here on a regular basis that carers post about their partners not wanting help.

A frustrating situation indeed.

Take care Tony WK

[JCarr]

Hello Everyone,

Thanks for your support and replying to my post, that was great to read all of your responses and know to that there are people out there taking time out of their day to help others.

I believe my husband would be more interested in seeking help if was put between a rock and a hard place, like at risk of loosing his family or myself before he would go to desperate measures as seeing a GP or Counsellor.

It's almost like being seen as weak by seeking help!

He would probably get cranky if he new i was online talking about him publicly so I wouldn't share this forum with him.

I don't believe he is at risk to himself or others, he just needs counselling and maybe trial some anti depressants.

He is pretty good at putting a face on when everyone is around and he always claims "everything is ok" and "nothing is wrong" but there is.  His moods can change in an instant and for no apparent reason (well none that he will admit to) some days he texts me from work telling me he is having a down day and can't stop crying (but can't explain what started it and what his thinking about) some days he is on the brink of crying and doesn't know why or won't say why. When we do fight he can stay in a slump for a week as an aftermath of it all, I may see a glimpse of him returning back to himself and then its gone.

Some days when he doesn't have work he prefers to stay in bed and sleep or watch movies and he does the same thing when ever we have had an argument.

I think for me the hardest part is the over protectiveness, clinginess, jealousy issues and trust issues he has with me because of his own feelings and self doubt and thoughts running through his head that cloud his judgment.

Personally nothing has happened between us for him to doubt me or our relationship but he still has those issues and fears that something may happen.

Driving me bonkers!

I may need to seek help if he won't just so I can't get through another day of it all!

Again... I wish he would just seek help!

I shouldn't have to threaten to leave him just to scare him into forcing himself to go see someone. (Well thats what i think)

Eagerly awaiting the light at the end of the tunnel so we can just get on with our lives happily.