At a loss

dmb · ‎21-11-2014

My husband has suffered depression basically as long as I've known him but it became really bad after we had our first daughter almost 7 years ago. He's had ups and downs, but more downs than ups. After trying various antidepressants which only made things worse, he relies only on marijuana now and honestly he is nicer to be around when he's using it.

Today though for the first time ever, he said that he doesn't see the point in living. He said that everyone hates him and that the only people that would be sad to see him go are myself and our two children. I am of course very upset hearing this and have told him that he needs to talk to a professional. He's never been open to the idea of going to any professionals because they cost money, which is something that we struggle with and unfortunately don't qualify for any concessions due to my income being just high enough to be considered too much for assistance, but low enough that we are struggling to keep our heads above water. This all adds to his stress and depression, so to add the cost of seeing a professional so he can get the help he needs is difficult to convince him to spend.

I am finding it harder and harder to live with him but fear that leaving will only make things even worse.

He's also currently obsessed with proving that all the world governments are corrupt and that world powers are out to get us all. He rants and raves to everyone he sees about it which makes people like him even less. He is an all or nothing kind of person so either he'll over share his opinion or he'll literally clam up and not talk at all.

I don't know what to do any more.

Doolhof · ‎21-11-2014

Hi dmb and Welcome to Beyond Blue.

I think you have made a good start by contacting us all here and asking for help. I suggest that you use the Beyond Blue or Life Line phone service and talk with people there who will be able to provide you with more professional assistance.

Maybe your husband could do the same thing, talk to someone over the phone. Or there is a webchat service you can use here at Beyond Blue, the contact details are at the top of the page.

I agree with you that some psychiatrists and psychologists are quite expensive. Some psychologist bulk bill, so I don't know if you can ask you Dr about that option.

There may be a Church nearby that offers free counselling, or maybe at a low cost. This might not suit your husband, but it may help you if you have a chat to someone as well.

You could ask your Dr if he/she is able to do a Mental Health care plan for your husband and if so, can they recommend a person he can see for 10 up to 10 free visits.

There is a lot of material here on this site you could look up on depression, some of the information may assist you in understanding your husband better.

Regarding his obsession with the world's governments, point him in the direction of the nearest political party members office and he can go and chat to them with his theories.

So try to have a chat with your Dr or the people on the phone lines and see what advice they all offer you. Hopefully your husband will be willing to chat to people as well.

It is difficult receiving the help you need when money is tight. Look around and see what services are available for free in your region. Maybe even look in the phone book under Health and see if there is much on offer under Mental Health.

I hope my advice and suggestions helps in some way. Look after yourself and your children in all of this as well as your husband.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

dmb · ‎22-11-2014

Thanks for your reply.

All the suggestions you have made are ones I have suggested numerous times to my husband but to no avail. he has said quite clearly that he doesnt want any help!

I am a member of a church and will be seeking help for myself in coping with this but as I said, my husband refuses help.

After an argument tonight over paint, which is what resulted in him saying the world would be better off if he killed himself, he and our eldest daughter went to their usual Friday night sport. When he came home he was happy and acting like nothing had happened. I asked him about it and got told off for making him think about it again. He also said that when hes feeling depressed he has no control over hus words and thoughts. I dont think hes going to harm himself.

I mentioned that I had posted on here because I need to speak with others who know what its like to live with someone who has depression. i do wonder if its more than just depression though, but he wont get help so unless he wants help I cant force him to see a doctor or anyone else.

regarding your suggestion that he talk about his concerns with world leaders with our local MP, he thinks they are all corrupt and has found evidence, therefore doesnt trust them and there is no way he would speak to an MP about this stuff. Quite simply he doesnt want help from anyone, doesnt want to.talk to anyone. the only person he talks to is me, and even then, that doesnt happen much. He was brought up in an uncompassionate home and does not know how to talk about his feelings, or how to be compassionate.

As a christian myself, i guess all I can do is pray for him.

Doolhof · ‎23-11-2014

Hi dmb,

It must be a little frustrating for you at times when your husband refuses to accept advice and does not want any help from anyone.

I hope you are able to receive the help, kindness, care and support you need through the Church.

For myself, I would be lost with out my faith and belief in God. I attend a small Church with a general congregation of about 40 people, with me at 50 years of age, being one of the young ones!

We don't have a counselling service at our Church, but one of the other denominations in the town do, so I might call up on them myself.

Yes, we can pray for our husbands and our families, and pray also for God's love, care and compassion to fill us so we can share His blessings with others.

Continue to reach out and find the help and understanding that you need. The more informed about the depression, the easier it will be for you to understand your husband and others inflicted by this illness.

God bless, from Mrs. Dools

Beltane · ‎23-11-2014

Some people with a mental illness like depression or anxiety- depending on their personality and uprbinging- are very resistant to seeking help. Some people are raised to believe psychologists are for "'crazy people" and they're not crazy. some people think its "weak" to need help.

i used to be quite like that- thought mental illness was "weak" and to be "strong" i had to get over it myself- just get up and get on with it, cheer up etc.
i was pretty much your husband- i REFUSED to believe i even had depression or anxiety. Now i could barely leave my house for panic attacks, i was so depressed i spent hours every day crying in a puddle on the floor, i'd yell and scream at my boyfriend of the time.

i dont know WHY some people with depression/ anxiety go into denial- but there are certainly some that do. just look around at the other posts on forum- lots of people trrying to convince a loved one to get help. its important to remember that in depression/ anxiety something in the brain just isnt working- theres a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping skills, lack of coping skills, inappropriate behaviours. people like that arent insane or psychotic, but they can be quite irrational. they might admit they need help one minute, and then a efw hours later they deny it thinking that they're fine. they might go frmo extreme rage/ sadness/ anxiety to seeming perfectly fine. thats the nature of untreated depression, thats what it does to some people

so yes, i used to be very much like your husband. honestly, my partner tried to get me help for our whole relationship but i wouldnt listen. it took losing everything for me to finally wake up. he had to break up with me- he said i wouldnt seek help and he couldnt watch me destroy myself anymore. he begged me to get help, hoping that i would finally see. i also lost my job at the same time because i was too sick to work. i had a breakdown and nearly ended up in a psych ward.

It sounds bad- i know you're reading that going "oh no, i dont want that to happen". hopefully it wont happen to you- but your husband might need a rude wakeup call. he might need you to be a little more forceful. i dont know you or your relationship- only you know what he might respond to, but he might need you to really sit down with him and say "our relationship is in trouble. it could end if you dont seek help". again, only you know what you think will work.

it was the best thing to ever happen to me. i got help and i made a full recovery. i'm well now.

Beltane · ‎23-11-2014

have you rung BeyondBlue to see if they have any suggestions on how you might convince him to get help? it really is a common thing for some people to just not admit they need help or accept help. so they could have some great ideas- and they'd also be able to suggest ways to cope with finances, there are bulkbilling psychologists you can access through medicare. the money shouldnt be a problem- its getting him to accept it thats the hardest part.

good luck 🙂