I need help understanding my role

[Not_Ryan_Gosling]

     I am not sure if age is important, but I am 23 years old. The girl who I am trying to support with depression is 22. We met at work and started dating, we had an instant connection. She said she had never opened up to anyone, but she did with me. She told me about her struggles with depression in the past and how whenever she let someone in, they would leave her stranded. She told me she had never let anyone in as much as me and it scared her. Two months ago she said the depression was coming back and that she didn’t want me around because it wasn’t fair to me to deal with it. In response I started writing her notes every night. She loved them, I believe that they comforted her. Within days we were closer than ever, she opened up to me even more, and we were working through her depression together.  

     I did a lot of reading on depression and was doing my best to handle it the correct way, however I believed that I knew here better than the papers I read on depression, so I tried confronting her about one thing. She didn’t drink a lot, but when she did she would feel terrible about it for a couple days. I told her that her drinking was making her more sad, and making her depression worse.  

Everything I read said not to use tough love, I used it, and it backfired. This occurred about 2 weeks ago.

    She told me that I didn’t know what she was going through and that she had everything under control. She then broke up with me saying that she couldn’t handle a relationship at this point in her life. I gave her space after that, but tried reading up more on depression and tried following what I read. After a couple days I started sending her short nice texts about how I wanted to be there for her through her depression. We started talking a little bit and then one day she was really close to opening up to me again about her depression, I told her I would love if she talked about it, but just when I thought she was going to talk, she shut down and stopped talking to me again. This lasted a couple days. Then the process repeated itself.

  Since she hasn’t said a word to me.  I want to be there for her, but I don’t know if I should be, or how to be. No one else knows about her depression and she acts fine around them. I want to be there for her because I know she needs somebody, I just don’t know if I am the right person. Should I help or back off? How should I attempt to help? Any advice would be hugely appreciated. I just want her to be happy again. 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi NRG,

Since you have asked, my advice is this. People should normally start to develop a new relationship when they are both emotionally healthy. There is a big difference to developing a relationship and then sticking by your partner if mental illness or some other big issue comes into it and starting off supporting someone with a big problem without the foundation of a strong relationship.

Even when you have a strong relationship it may destroy it. This site is full of married people that say as much. My last long term relationship started when I was forty two. She suffers anxiety and I loved her with all my heart. I was able to do it for seven years and even then I was staying in a very toxic relationship and was being treated poorly, trapped by my love and commitment. Anxiety overcame her and she stopped seeing me.

Don't get me wrong. I am not jaded. You are just so young, so is she. In many ways you are still growing emotionally. I'd suggest you put very strong boundaries around your behaviour. Be her friend, if you want that burden, but make it clear you will not be able to give more than that until she has sorted some of her stuff. If she cannot, you still haven't abandoned her but you haven't signed up either.

I can almost guarantee you will not be with her in ten years, no matter what you choose. Be her friend if you want, but focus your romantic interests elsewhere.

Good luck with it. John.

[Not_Ryan_Gosling]

I appreciate the response, however, I agree that I should not pursue having her as a significant other. I was wondering what I should do to support her through this, or if I even should.

I want to help because I care about her as a person, but at the same time I am not sure if I should help considering the fact that she doesnt trust my help. Also, I know there is no one else there for her at the moment. Everything I read says to offer to be there and to be patient, but I dont know what I am suppose to be patient for. She pushes anyone close to her away, so I want to prove that there are people that care enough to stick around... but I am not sure if that is my place. I am very confused about what I should do and how I should go about doing it. 

Again, I am not looking to pursue her romantically, just trying to figure out what I can do that will best assist her through this. 

thank you. 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi mate,

My misunderstanding. You mentioned in your initial post that you were dating this girl and I assumed a romantic intent.

When you read you second post, I think you already know the answer. None of us can spend our lives being there for every person that has a problem, particularly work colleagues. Some places have hundreds of employees. You'd burn out!

There is a real chance she may misunderstand the reason you are putting so much effort into her. My original advice stands, put strong boundaries around your behaviour and you can choose how much to be involved as it goes along.

Kind regards, John. 

[Doolhof]

Hi NRG,

You sound like a wonderful, caring and understanding guy. You wrote that you met this lady at work. Do you still see her at work and is it on a daily basis? How does that make you feel when you see her, after having had a relationship with her?

I admire you for wanting to help her so much with her depression and for being willing to read up and follow through on the information you have read.

Unfortunately sometimes people suffering from depression do close down and build up walls at the time when they most need people's help! Why? Unfortunately it is all part of the disease!

I know how frustrating it can be. When my depression is unpleasant, I shut down and hide away when going out and being with people is the best thing I can do. When my husband is feeling depressed, he shuts me out and I feel useless regarding trying to help him.

So with this lady, like John mentioned, you can try to help her out, make suggestions and give her advice, but depending on where she is with her depressive state, she might just ignore you and push you away.

Maybe you could give her/send her notes of encouragement as a friend and as some one concerned for her. You might like to include phone numbers of places like Beyond Blue and Life Line whom she could phone if she needed to.

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times, let alone when an illness is involved if it be medical or mental.

Once again I would like to say I am very touched by your concern for this lady and for your willingness to read up on depression to be able to help her. I do so wish you a relationship in your future where you are as deeply cared for as you care for others!

From Mrs. Dools

[Not_Ryan_Gosling]

John-

  Thank you, one of my biggest concerns is that she would misinterpret why I was trying to help. I actually spoke with her today and we are in the process of putting up boundaries that work for both of us. I understand that I cannot be there for everyone, so I will take a step back with her, but I still have offered my help to her because she is someone I feel a connection with.  

Mrs. Dools-      

       Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it. We work together, but I do not ever see her. There are hundreds of people at our building and we are on completely separate floors. I am sure if I saw her I would feel a lot of different emotions, but I don’t believe it would be awkward.       

      Also, I took your advice with the note, and it went really well!  I wrote her a note early this morning, and she responded positively. She said she appreciated me looking out for her and it made her feel better. But she said it also made her feel guilty because she didn’t feel like she was offering anything to me. Your advice really helped, thank you for that.           

  I think at this point my goal is just to offer myself up for her to talk to and to send messages now and then to let her know I have not abandoned her. Also, I would like to make her feel ok with being depressed because she views it as her being weak at this point.           

  Are these good ideas? Would you recommend anything? Any ideas or tips are greatly appreciated, I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing. 

[Doolhof]

Hi NRG,

Thanks for getting back to us. I am so pleased the note idea has helped this lady so positively. Sometimes it makes a huge difference in a person's life to know and realise that someone cares and is looking out for them.

You have already committed yourself to learning more about depression, maybe you could Google "Famous Australians with Depression" or Sport Stars with Depression" and see what comes up. I can't think of names right now, but I do know some of the AFL footballers have put their hands up saying they suffer from depression.

You maybe able to find some book titles you could suggest this lady try to read. Or at least to recognise that people of all walks of life suffer from depression.

Unfortunately a lot of people still look at depression as meaning the person who suffers from it is crazy/delusional/dangerous/weird/mentally unstable and needs to be ignored/frowned upon/shut away or locked up for everyone else's safety.

Have you heard of the expression "Pay it Forward" ? There was a movie years ago about a boy who learnt that when you received a good deed, you thanked the person, then you in return tried to help someone else.

You could let this lady know that you are wanting to help her right now and someday she will have the opportunity to help someone else. Let her know this is something you want to do and that you don't feel like you HAVE to do it.

Setting boundaries is good. So you both know where you stand. You may feel like you don't know what you are doing, but believe me, it sounds like you have thrown this lady a life line! That is huge!

Please consider your own well being in all of this. Realise that if her depression becomes serious, she will need to be encouraged to seek medical assistance. Hopefully she won't sink that low.

I suggest you look up the ph no. for Life Line, Beyond Blue and any other organisation in your area so you have that handy to offer her if life gets too tough.

These organisations will also be bale to give you hints, suggestions and ideas on how to help people with depression and look after yourself during the journey.

I've appreciated reading your story and it comforts me to know there are people out there willing to help and assist others. Well done to you.

From Mrs. Dools

[Pixie15]

Hi Not Ryan Gosling,

After reading your post I am a little concerned that you are taking too much responsibility on yourself. I know from experience that it can be rather appealing to be someones one and only. 

You write at the start of your post that your friend told you that she had been deserted by everyone she had reached out to when she became ill but it appears from the following description that she is the one who is keen to end the relationship. I might be reading this wrong.

Do you both have other interests in common besides this emotional connection like sports, movies, pizza etc? What do you expect from your friend? If you do not have things to connect you apart from concern for her mental health you may be both caught up in a negative relationship.

Grateful.

[geoff]

dear NRG, a wonderful help you are for her, but I feel as though she may think that you may want to be romantic with her, however which shouldn't happen at the moment, or while she is in depression.

How can you tell someone that depression is OK and that it's an illness only, well this isn't easy because what we do in depression is have negative thoughts, and no matter how much you try and tell her, it won't register, she won't believe you, and this is no fault of yours, because you seem to a kind and thoughtful person.

It' a long up and down road she will have to travel, and once you have depression you can never really overcome it completely, although I class myself to have overcome it, which is really a faux pas because I get relapses and our mind is much more susceptible to the problems that occur.

You can keep on trying to help her, but only for the time she wants it, but please remember that we are not pushing you away from her, just giving you some experienced advice.

Text books can explain all the 'ins and outs' of depression, but they can't teach you the actual feeling or what really happens when you suffer from it, it's no different than a book telling a kid how to hammer a nail into a piece of wood, because are far too many variables, so they have to experience it themselves. Geoff.

[Not_Ryan_Gosling]

Mrs. Dools-

I have been a little hesitant to offer books or anything of that sort because she knows that I don’t fully understand what she is going through, so I feel I may be overstepping my bounds. If she viewed me as overstepping I am nervous she would shut down again. Do you believe that it would be a good idea to offer her some books? She loves reading, and she admits that she has depression,  so it may be an excellent plan, I just don’t know her mindset. I would love your feedback on this.               

  I think the celebrity idea is brilliant, she loves movies and television and music, so if I can show her that some of her favorites may also have depression, I think that may help.               

  I also believe that she views it 100% as a weakness. She hates herself for being depressed and believes that she can “get over it” I think that’s why she struggles accepting help because she feels that makes her even weaker. I know every time she does start to open up she gets mad and complains that I make her weak and she doesn’t like that. What would you recommend to help her view depression not as a weakness? And what would you call it? I tried calling it a journey and a coping mechanism (based on some of my readings), but neither of those seemed to resonate with her. I really appreciate your help, you have been a big asset for me in this. Thank you.