The frustrated carer

[Mana89]

Hi guys! Mana89 here. Iv just recently registered and this will be my first official thread about my story on this forum.

I am the carer of my loving partner who shows obvious signs of extreme panic/anxiety attacks and depression. I have been with him for just over a year (i know not that long) and within the last 5 months i have only JUST been introduced to this unknown,very unfamiliar, very scary world of anxiety and depression. Iv never had experience in this field and i have very little knowledge or understanding about- how to deal/how to care/how to support/how to communicate/how to be more understanding and lastly how to help.

I am sad to admit that unfortunately i am one of those partners out there that has always had a wild angry nature and as a carer of someone who suffers, its no doubt an emotionally frustrating roller coaster. He is the one, he is the love of my life, and im all in to make the necessary changes i need to make, but hes trapped in his mind, hes constantly suffocating and always feels overwhelmed which prevents him to communicate which often leads to me being aggravated, angry and frustrated. I will openly admit that i have said and done some terrible things that i cant take back caused from a build up of frustration, without even realizing the consequences and how much damage it can cause to someone who is suffering (for which i have already apologized for), it almost tore us apart. But here i am doing what ever it takes to help repair and rebuild.

I dont know how to help if- he doesn't fully understand anxiety in itself (which he has consistently told me), if he doesnt let me in or communicate with me, he refuses to seek professional help (because he doesnt want to speak to a stranger) and taking meds is NOT an option at all.

I just need someone to shed some light, any advice or support would be much appreciated xx

[kaimare]

Hi Mana89,

Education definitely helps when it comes to understanding anxiety but no matter what theory tells you, it can alway be different in reality. As someone who suffers anxiety I can say that in the beginning for me, personally, it was embarrassing to admit. It is like admitting you have this massive flaw to the person in your life, or at least that is what it felt like when I told my partner. Like you, he is supportive but struggles to understand it and how I feel, which sometimes can make me regret telling him because I feel like I have burdened him, which is even more embarrassing.
Sometimes when my anxiety is high, it is really nice when my partner notices the symptoms (excessive hand washing, taking tablets during the day and before bed, sweaty hands, decreased appetite, increasingly agitated) and acknowledges that I don't feel okay and not to push me any further outside of my comfort zone or make me feel stupid for the rituals I go through to feel better (hand washing, hand sanitiser, excessive cleaning) but does them with me to help me feel supported; like I am not this weirdo with this childish sounding fear and anxiety over "nothing", which is sometimes how it feels to me.

I think education and communication is key, but educating yourself on common signs and symptoms will help you pick his good and his bad days and what works to help him, and sometimes if he doesn't communicate with you, this can only be done through trial and error.
I know it is hard but he will appreciate it. The fact that you are here writing and reaching out, already shows your commitment to him and your relationship.

[blondguy]

Hello Mana89

You have two new topics but no worries Welcome again!

If you scroll down the page to 'Supporting Someone' and click on 'Supporting Someone with depression/anxiety that would be huge first step!

Self expression is not an issue for you which is good as you have articulated your partners situation very well.

Your heart is the right place Mana, but you will have a hard road ahead of you if your partner refuses to reach out to even a GP for help to help himself. If he doesnt acknowledge his own anxiety issues there is so much you can do as loving partner.

As per your other 1st post I mentioned that I have severe anxiety/depression for many years...Just some tips..

* Anxiety levels do decrease over time...with help from a health professional and some medication.Regularly.

* Taking Meds...I am not Pro Meds but your partner should know that depression is a serious illness just the same as diabetes or heart disease..It requires health professionals and medication to heal and recover.

* I do understand your frustration and the love you have for your partner but he needs to see a GP...Yesterday.

* Please scroll down to the bottom of this page and you will see the header 'Supporting someone with depression or anxiety' To care for your partner I do hope you can click on this header and have a read...You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain Mana.

I do feel your and your partners' pain. Please post back and let us know how you are going

Kind Thoughts.....Here for You....

Paulx

[Mana89]

Hi Paul, Thankyou for your reply, your support and advice is noted and appreciated

I am taking this matter seriously and researching as much as i can so that im in a better position to help my partner in every way possible as iv previously mentioned im very fresh to this new world of anxiety and depression and need to have a more clearer understanding as he is unable to help me himself. I do understand that he needs to see a health professional, its just a frustrating, fragile, touchy subject of conversation to bring up and calmly discuss (especially talking about meds) before he begins to panic and has a meltdown.

Between my first post on the introductory forum and this one i spent approximately 3 solid hours over looking a variety of posts especially the "supporting someone" with depression and anxiety. Its very informative and useful which is exactly what i need.

Are there others out there who are like me in the same boat struggling to help someone who seems to be to stubborn? or proud? to help themselves..

[blondguy]

Hey Mana

There are heaps of people on the forums that are going through exactly the same as you...Some guys just dont get it and live in denial with the illness. It is serious and sometimes can get worse (as mine did) if a sufferer doesnt reach out for help....The first step is his GP......I wanted to get help and eventually did. It was the best decision I have ever made. Yes it was uncomfortable and awkward but I didnt want to be where your partner is now..(with all respect of course)

You have just posted Mana so you will be getting more responses....just give it a little time....In the meantime I will check my messages later today to see how you and your partner are traveling.

You can try to help him but if he is that stubborn it will be difficult as well as taxing on your own health. Just give your new post some time....

Your heart is a kind one Mana....this will take some time.....I hope we can speak soon....please check your thread in a few hours......There are many kind folk on here that can be here for you too

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

[Kathryne]

Hi Mana,

Welcome to this supportive forum.

As the wife of a person with anxiety and depression, I understand where you are at.

It took many years of trust and support to get my husband to admit that he is suffering with anxiety he still believes he is not depressed.

He finally sought medical help and began taking medication to assist alleviate the symptoms.

I will state these have helped . It's very hard as you state not to let your own feelings of frustration come into the relationship. I find I will ignore what I can't change and choose when to be pushy , usually when in his best interest.

I see Paul has provided some great tips.

My advice would be to love and support him choose your battles, however ensure it is in the best interests of you both and your relationship. Sometimes pushing to hard results in deeper withdrawal.

Kathryne

[topsy_]

Hello Mana

This is just a general tip. Many posts on BB talk about trying to understand what our partners go through.

My husband has schizophrenia while I have depression & PTSD. We each have heard the words that describe each other's illnesses but we still don't understand what the other goes through.

It didn't take long for us to figure out that what we needed most from each other is acceptance.

Later we learnt what each of us needs when feeling unwell - which turned out to be the opposite of what each of us would normally do to attempt to make the other feel better.

Then through the years we have slowly learnt each other's triggers. And the signals each of us gives if we are feeling off.

I agree with everyone who says to read widely, however, I believe the greatest gift is acceptance.

I wish you & your partner every good thing, Lyn.

[Mana89]

Thankyou Kaimare for your amazing advice and your wonderful support.

I just wanted to say that my partner and i both read your post together and i can honestly say that we are very grateful and that you've helped us in so many ways.

We agree that communication and education are key components that we will both need to work on, it was more or less how do we get our foot in the door to get started, what do we do and how are we going to do this?

When you wrote about your feelings of being embarrassed about admitting and thinking it would be a burden on your partner, there was enough strength in your words to help open a small window of opportunity for my partner to tell me right then and there thats EXACTLY how he felt in the beginning.

When you wrote about your symptoms! Again, he opened up and proceeded to tell me about the same symptoms that he experiences on a regular basis such as sweaty hands and a decrease in appetite.

Youve helped me understand that its ok and its somewhere to start especially as a first time carer to help the same ways as your partner does.

I look forward to experiencing the trials and errors

Thanks again we appreciate it xx