Helping husband when he doesn't want help

[Needadvicepls85]

Hi,

I need some advice, I am posting here because I haven't spoken to anyone about this (Because hubby has asked me not to) and I figure it's ok being anonymous here.

basically he has suffered from different degrees of depression his whole life, plus he has had to put up with my post natal depression (twice).

He lost his mother nearly 4 years ago and was close to her and understandably took it very hard. Over the past couple of years he has developed fear that he constantly smells of faeces. It started when he started a new job and has bad anxiety and had the runs that day and decided that everyone could smell him and they were all laughing at him.

He left that job completely for that reason and got another job where he travels to different work sites. He is convinced that everyone is laughing at him and talking behind his back, so much so that he abuses them about it sometimes. it has taken over his life! He doesn't come to our children's school activities because he can't be in a room with other people, we don't go out anywhere.. Even to the shops! He get bad anxiety and starts sweating and getting upset.He has been to the doctor on my insistence because I have a feeling he was very close to something dangerous. The doctor put him on anti depressants and a mental health plan.

I thought the medication was working a bit, not heaps but a bit. But he refused to go to the psychologist because he had to work.He missed two appointments so they have cancelled all others. His attitude is that they won't help him anyway, how will they stop the smell?!

Every day he asks if he smells and I tell him he doesn't (the truth) but he doesn't listen. Even if one of the kids say they can smell something he freaks out

He is having another very bad low time now, he tried to stop his medications saying they don't help but I made him take it and he is saying he can't live like this

Its getting close to his mothers anniversary of her death, you always feel it coming when it starts getting colder. I don't know if this is what is contributing to his excessive low but I just don't know what to do.

i told him last night if he got to bad I'd ring the ambulance to take him but he said he wouldn't go and would go for a walk and never come back..i need help, I can't cope. I have bad depression myself and am on antidepressants and to be completely truthful self medicate with pain pills when I have days I can't cope (which no one knows about)what do I do? please help

[Sophie_M]

Hi Needadvicepls85,

Thanks for trusting us with your story.; it can be really tricky when someone says you can not tell others about what is happening. It can leave you with such a lot of stress and worry. From what I can see there are two issues here. One is of course the health and wellbeing of your husband, and then their is you and your children. Where to begin?

As you have probably noted from other posts, encouraging, supporting and gently pushing someone to help is difficult - especially if he doubts that they can do anything to help. It is about perseverance but sometimes it is also important to point out the impact this is having on everyone - you, and your children. This can sometimes help to motivate people or at least enable you to make a deal - 'please attend for us; we are worried about you'. I also wonder if last time you went they ruled out all physical reasons for why the smell might exist for him? Would your husband be more likely to return to the doctor if he thought there was further medical follow up required - would this be another angle to consider? Or a review of the medication?  Or can you meet with your GP and talk through the options for him so you are more informed? I also wondered if anything helps to relieve the smell, even if for a brief period, nasal sprays, drops or saline washes?

Needadvicepls85 I am also terribly worried about you. You have your own issues to deal with and are using pain meds to get by. Who are your supports? I think maybe it is also time to check in with your doctor and explore options for support for you. Other things you might think about are whether you need some help with the kids so that you can get a bit of a break and do something to care for yourself. Taking time out is not indulgent or something to feel guilty about - you have a big job looking after your family, your husband and you, and taking a bit of time to refresh and get yourself in a better place is so important.

There is lot here for you to ponder - please keep talking with us so we can help you through this. We understand the stress and pressure that you care under and we can be the safe place where you can talk openly about how you are. Our Support Service, 1300 22 4636, is always available too so please give us a call if you want some further advice but in particular, when you are overwhelmed and at a loss as to what to do next.

Take care

[Gruffudd]

Hi Needadvicepls85,

It does sound rather full on in your house and I just want to start by repeating, please take a moment or more to look after yourself. Make the effort to do more of the little things you enjoy. Even book some time in for hair and nails.

When I read about your husband I can hear the anxiety, it makes me think of people I know who have OCD (not that I could be sure) which you can learn about under the menus up the top, go to the facts and explore the anxiety section. Also don't forget the other forums in particular Anxiety and Staying well. You are most welcome to post there too.

I know of so many who have made it through and that things have gotten better, I hope the same will happen for you too.

Rob.

[geoff]

hello, this must be horrible not only for your husband but also you and the rest of your family, and for my take, I agree with Rob in that it could well be linked by having OCD, as I've had it for 56 years, but what it means is that people with this illness have an obsession about anything in particular, like some people have a need to keep cleaning the door handles, bench tops or even their hands where they constantly need to clean them, a little bit different to what your husband is experiencing, but it runs along the same principle that he smells dirty all the time.
He seems as though he would be made fun of by going to the psychologist, but this certainly wouldn't be the situation here, that's their job, to listen and then to address the problem at hand, but we have to try and get him to realise that this will happen, and not that they will turn him away by even mentioning this.
It's never easy to tell someone with OCD to stop feeling or in this situation smelling something all the time, that it's not true and he doesn't have to feel this way, but if he was taking medication and seeing his psychologist, one that deals with OCD, then this could help him either stop or lower his continual thoughts of smelling unclean.
It's not a simple or easy solution, but it takes time and patience, but remember that he will definitely feel that this continual ocurrence is always there, where you know it's not, but the more you may tell him off, then the worse he will get, so ignore his questions and try not to criticise him, but I really know that's hard to do, but it's only helping him if you don't answer any of his concerns.
Can I suggest that you click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down to 'Individual Resourses' and then order all the printed material from BB where it has a section on OCD, it's free and no cost but very informative information.
If you google OCD on BB then an enormous amount of different posts will appear, and worthwhile reading some of them.
Even though I have OCD I know how much it affects those around you, and I understand how painful it must be for you, with me I now hide any of my OCD traits so that no one will notice.
I hope that you come back and please ask me any question you want. Geoff.x

[topsy_]

Hello,

I think the 3 above have given you very good advice. This is just a thought, probably not applying to your husband but maybe worth ruling out - does your husband ever suffer from migraines?

I have depression & PTSD. I was really worried I was going nuts (nuttier!) because I could smell gas quite often. We don't have any gas appliances in our home. When I checked with my husband he couldn't smell anything.

Fearing for my sanity I went to my GP. He put my fears at rest by saying it was more likely it is the aura before a migraine.

I really feel for you, take very good care of yourself, Lyn.