Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

[Moonstruck]

I am heartbroken as I watch my son, hard-working, faithful, adores his 2 kids, trying in vain to support his wife whose depression and at times anxiety is destroying their family. She withholds any physical affection from him - no hug goodbye when he goes to work - no cheerful conversation or interest in how he maybe feeling etc. their house is devoid of love and he has given up trying - only to be rejected each time. This set in 5 years ago after the son's birth and was put down to post natal depression. She went on ADs but said they made her worse....she went off them eventually which was a terrible time and now hesitant to take anything.

I have tried all I can think of - books, tapes, relaxation CDs, recommended BB and explained how it works, boosted her morale, been her friend, and I have given up!

She complains that they need a bigger house, that she hates their home - but my son can't as they only have one income. He feels less of a man as he can't financially provide all she wishes for, big house, holidays, (the kids go to a private school which she insists on) when he explains he has trouble affording the fees, she accuses him of "threatening" and pressuring her to get a job. She planned to go back to work when the younger child was at school. It's now September and she has made no real effort at all - she is too depressed.

the house is a terrible mess, she stays in her pyjamas and always "sick". It is awful for my son to come home to each day, the 8 year old girl told me her Mum said they were getting a divorce "they don't get along, they fight" She said when they fight in front of her she gets upset.

My heart breaks to think of the sweet child carrying that around with her every day at school - that her parents will get a divorce and Daddy will leave! I am furious with my daughter in law for giving her children this burden. Where I tried to be compassionate, I now am getting impatient and feel like shaking her asking "What do you WANT?" WHAT will make you happy???

My son is trapped in a loveless marriage with a depressed wife he can no longer help. He can't leave to find his own peace of mind because of the kids whom he would never abandon. If he could no longer see them it would destroy him as well.

It is affecting me badly as there seems nothing I can do. How do I get thru to my daughter in law that she is putting her family and children's future in jeopardy. How do I console and ease my son's pain? Please help.

[Wednesday]

Dear Moon,

Such a sad story and of course you can see both sides. I grieve for you, hugs.

You know that depression is a vicious disease. You love and adore your gorgeous son and grandbabies.

I don't know that you can do a lot given the circumstances you have outlined. But being there for the grandbabies is a great. Unconditional love from their grandma is very special and will help them feel secure for a lifetime.

It seems that your dil is so unwell and not able to take control of her condition and is even using it as a weapon. I know its traditional for the mum to have the children, but would your son consider leaving and taking the children with him. As a sole parent I know how hard that is. But children will grow better and healthier with consistency and love rather than private schools and an unhappy home. Not that I am saying dil is a bad mum, well it is hard to tell, but she does sound like she needs some serious help. Is she suicidal?

Do they have a family doctor that your son can talk to for ideas?

Moon please make sure you are looking after yourself, you cant help if your health goes down. So make sure you are prioritising you.

Hugs, xx

[Kathryne]

Hi ,

and welcome .

its very hard to watch our loved ones , not living the life we envisioned for them, or they themselves want.

I agree with Wednesday that the children may be better off not living in that situation, however , that can be a giant step.

I understand your frustration with the situation. I suggest you be there for your grandchildren , maybe you could offer to collect them from school and have them for a few hours a couple of days a week giving them some semblance of normality. Your granddaughter appears to be suffering too maybe she could speak with a counselor to help her build resilience to the situation.

Its hard but try and maintain the friendship which will allow you to be in your son and grandchildren's lifes.

kathryne

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Moon,

Is there any way you can get her in to see a psychologist? While she is reluctant to try different medication perhaps the psych may help her.

I'd look at encouraging your son to read up more about depression and see if he can get some support too.

Kind thoughts xx

[Moonstruck]

Thank you all for your support. I need as much advice as possible I think.

Kathryne, yes of course I would pick the kids up etc more often....but unfortunately I am in another city.

I want to email my son recommendations and support etc at his work, but holding back for fear of inundating him and adding to his pressure while he is at least in peace and enjoying his work environment. I am torn between checking constantly to see if he's OK, smothering him - and holding back and giving him space.

I don't know what's best..........maybe some other young husband & father has gone through a similar situation?

[Moonstruck]

I just spoke to her Mum who told me she'd gone to a GP today, got Anti ds which she begins tomorrow. Her Mum and I are able to talk freely about this..thank God...she told me my son had begun confiding the situation to her some months ago and he also told me recently he'd done this and that she'd been a big support. (the only reason he didn't confide all his pain and details to me is that he's very protective of me and knows I have struggled with my own anxiety and did not want to add to them).

I am glad his mother in law has been so understanding (considering it's her own daughter they're discussing) but she's a pretty cluey woman and has been just as worried and frustrated with her daughter as the rest of us. Both she and I appreciate that we get along and can, hopefully between us, offer support to both our respective children...How my D.i.L goes on the anti d, we will have to wait and see I guess. I hope they gave the "right one". she cannot afford to get any worse.

Do they actually work and make a depressed person "feel better"?. At least more able to cope with the reality of life and be productive? Is there a chance my son can be happy again at home? I guess no-one has an answer to that.....I am getting angry with my d.i.l. for putting herself and her own self-pity before her 2 kids!! Is this normal for family and loved ones to get mad at the person with depression?

[Wednesday]

Hi Moon,

What great news that your son's MIL is on side, she is probably very worried about her daughter.

Yes AD's do work, so fingers crossed that she picks up quickly. With the level of depression your dil has she is not thinking clearly or will even have the ability to think clearly. Her brain is playing tricks on her. I know it is really hard but take a breathe and give it a little more time. If she hasn't always been this way you might have your lovely dil back any day now.

However, I think it's pretty normal to feel resentful in your circumstances, we all want the best for our babies, even the grown up ones.

Don't forget to look after yourself.

[Moonstruck]

thanks Wednesday....the thing I am a bit worried about re AD s is that you "have to try a few to find the right one" What happens while the person is "trying"? they can get worse before getting better I have learned! That's scary as my d.i.l. cant afford to get any worse.....I am afraid of what she will do while she and her GP look for "the right one". She won't know if she's on the right one or not will she? If she's not thinking clearly in the first place?

I had better write to Dr Kim and ask her all this. yes it is very hard to look after myself at this time..I worry constantly, all the time, 24/7 about my son and the kids. I feel very very low in spirits and want to cry all day! i know with the intelligent part of my brain, that it is not her fault and she probably dislikes herself too, for being like this...but I am getting so MAD...i want to shake her and remind her she has 2 little people totally dependent on her!

I don't want to talk to her any more, I don't like her any more......this makes me a horrible woman I suppose...but I am so low myself and hanging in there for my son and the kids.......

[Wednesday]

Dear Moon,

Of course you're not a horrible woman, just a frightened worried, concerned one. If you can hang in there for a bit longer this will change and you will be able to look back at it.

You know we all have our own journey to go through and we do it at our own pace. I really feel for you and your little interstate family. Please take heart that her mum is on the case and will be doing the mum thing, I presume she is physically closer to the family? The doctor will have a really good chance of getting the AD right first time so you all should see some changes quickly. Of course another option is that the doctor may decide to hospitalise her for a little while, to settle things down and do some more in-depth pysch work. Writing to Dr Kim is a great idea, it will be interesting to see what she has to say.

I get your absolute irritation at your dil. But my guess is she is hating herself right now and probably putting in every ounce of energy will power she has left to put one foot in front of another. I know that will be hard for you to see. At my worst I don't believe I have the right to breathe oxygen, it's pretty horrid. Have you read up on the BB site? Have a look under the Facts, Depression, it may help?

But to you my friend, is it time for you to go back to your doctor to have a checkup too? I have read that you relate more closely to anxiety than depression, but they intertwine and one can morph with the other. You now need to look after yourself... right now that is. Grandma being unwell and a worry is not the answer to your son's problem.

Time for a real time doctor's visit today, huh?

[Moonstruck]

My son said he'd ring me this afternoon, so I am expecting a call. Have to play it by ear I guess which will be a bit tough, as he keeps all his emotion inside, especially if he is upset and very down. He does it for me that's why. because he can't bear to see me upset, or worse still for me to cry. Which I feel like doing. I don't know what he is going to say. I don't know what I am going to say either.

I wish he could leave the situation to save his own well being and find a bit of peace himself, but I know he would never leave his kids...like a vicious circle with no way out!! But there is Always a way out...isn't there?

If you saw any of the other threads I usually go on, you'll probably have noticed just yesterday I had something else to deal with (not great timing) with a computer scammer/hacker.....so my strength and ability not to fall apart completely have really been tested. I am pretty much on the brink though. Had to call BB phone help early this morning as I was getting paranoid about even opening the doors.....felt this terrible sense of doom and feeling unsafe.

Can't remember the last time I even bordered on feeling "happy, or relaxed".....you wouldn't know it to look at me though. my son and his wife (and kids ) seem to be like "rats in a trap".....No way out!