Husbands mental health impact on kids

[McSunny]

I've been reading a lot of the posts from partners of husbands who have depression and have found a lot of help in that I can relate so strongly with what is occurring it astounds me!

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD (work related), severe depression and anxiety about 5 months ago. He has had problems for at least 2-3years but has taken this long for me to convince him to talk to someone. He is now seeing a GP and psychologist and is on medication which is a big step forward. I still feel he isn't getting adequate help and should also be seeing a psychologist which I am really pushing for. Whilst he is getting a lot of help it is a huge struggle everyday. He varies from depressed and want communicate to very angry. Whilst he's only been getting treatment for 5 months the kids and I have had to live with this much longer. My biggest concern is the impact on the kids. They are 10 & 12 and they have virtually no relationship with their father and I'm scared this is really going to affect them for the rest of their lives. He looses his temper often with them and yells until they are in tears. They won't approach him for help. In fact last time my son came to ask me for help I said Dad is outside go ask him to help, my sons response was Dad always gets angry if I ask him for help. That really was a wake up call to me. I exhaust myself caring for the kids and try to provide emotional support for them as well as my husband, working full time and doing most other requirements such as pay bills etc as hubby can't handle any pressure or responsibility. I am working hard to look after myself which is easier said than done and seems impossible but I am very aware. My biggest concern are the kids I'm really concerned and want to get them to see someone to find out what impact this is having on them. I have spoken to my son about talking to someone but he is a very shy introverted kid and he is refusing to even contemplate it! Does anyone have any advice to get a 12yo boy to agree to seeing someone? My 10yo I think will be easier being younger but I'm more concerned with my son at this time of his life.

Thank you

[blondguy]

Hello McSunny

Thanks for having the courage to post. This seems to be an unfortunate yet common problem. I do feel for your kids.

I have had depression for 20 years this year (who's counting!) and initially I had a short fuse which I understand was a sign of lack of counseling in the early stages of my illness.

I have read your post twice and see that you are understandably concerned for your 12 year old son, and good on you for being pro-active to understand the possible repercussions of your husbands illness.

When I had the same anger as your husband I had weekly visits with a free mental health worker who actually poked around my silly 'macho' mentality and had me crying like a baby. I have a feeling that your husband hasnt let his 'guard' down.

Your 12 year old is a legend....The difficulty is with the 'flare ups' from your husband. The outbursts of anger or quick trigger are a classic sign that he is unable to cope.

If I may ask you how often he is seeing a counselor? Its just my opinion as a long term recovering sufferer but I do hope he is having regular visits...Your kids may benefit from some general counseling but the source of the problem is your husband. Once he is committed to ongoing regular therapy, your kids will reap the benefits.

I hear you loud and clear McSunny. You are more than welcome to post back, there are kind people on the forums that can be here for you 🙂

My kind thoughts for you

Paul x

[McSunny]

Thanks for the reply Paul.

He is seeing someone approx 2-3 weeks and his GP once a month. It started off as weekly but he pushed it out as he said he finds the sessions too exhausting. Is this Ok? My opinion is he should push through and go once a week. It feels to me it's not making much difference. I agree he certainly isn't coping considering it is always really minor stuff that sets him off. I've asked him if he has raised the kids with his psychologist and he said it hasn't been discussed much.

[blondguy]

Hi McSunny, how would your husband feel if you offered to accompany him to a visit with his therapist?

If he is serious about healing himself he will drag you in with him....I would have no issues to ask my ex to come in with me....before or now....I burst into tears in the first few visits....yes it was 'uncomfortable' but thats why they have a box of tissues right in front of your husband (or myself)

The sessions are meant to be 'exhausting' or draining.....The counselor has to poke around and try to get the patient to 'let go' which breaks down the barriers and having a huge cry is a huge step towards recovery. The people that refuse to let go have a real problem. I had to be brutally honest in my therapy.....It was awkward and exhausting but its the only way. The visits will get better once he truly opens up with his counselor

If the budget allows....weekly is the best frequency Mc Sunny....especially with the high level of anger you mentioned he has....He probably doesnt understand that his own health and his family's health will only benefit by super regular counseling.

He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by having a weekly appointment. Pushing the appointments from weekly as he has done doesnt sound like a person who is trying to help themselves heal.

Forgive me for being blunt....I have had what your husband has...I just wanted to get better....and made it my mission in life to do so....It even helped my career at the time too!

You are not alone McSunny. There are many kind people that can be here for you.

I hope you can post back and let us know how you are going........when you wish of course 🙂

My Best

Paulx

[geoff]

hello McSunny, how difficult it can be when you are trying to firstly balanced the family and then to get your husband to know is actually happening, Paul has given you some very good points which I will try and not reiterate.
Problems will begin to ocurr well before any diagnosis, that's why you need a diagnosis, so the effect on the family will slowly start to deteriorate not only for your husband but also between the 2 kids and yourself, so now it's become a family concern.
There are places like Headspace and Reachout who maybe able to come to your house on the proviso of being your friend where you and the 2 kids can sit down and have a chat, nothing much will happen on the first meeting as the kids have to gain confidence and whether it's a male or a female is a decision you will have to make, but I would suggest that your husband is not there, because if he sees what's going on he may tell you all off, and if this happens then your oldest son will close up even further, that's not a good idea.
What you are doing is enormous and too much for you to be able to remain in any healthy manner, in other words you're also about to become a very distressed mother/husband, because you have been trying to hold it all together for such a long time.
So who do you pay most attention to, your kids or your husband, well that's a decision you need to make so you have to consider the options; firstly you don't know whether or not your husband will continue getting help and whether he is going to respond and have trust in any psychologist/psychiatrist or even his doctor in his chance to overcome this illness; or you want to help your kids who are only young and struggling and are desperately needing ways so that they are able to cope, because you have been trying to do both of these, plus work, cook, pay bills and everything else, but you are struggling.
I would suggest that the kids need attention as well as yourself getting asisstance by seeing your doctor, because when you and the kids aren't feeling well then you can't help your husband/dad.
I really hope to hear back from you, that would be lovely. Geoff. x

[Winterfell]

Hi McSunny, I must not have had enough coffee this morning as I thought I had replied to your post but I had muddled things up and posted somewhere else. Cut from that post I wanted to say you are dealing with a challenge that tests relationships and breaks many. Depression is a beast, it can take the one you love and turn them into an angry, irritable, negative, fragile, fearful person. Irritability and anger can mask severe depression especially in middle aged men who have significant pressure to stay in jobs of high stress to support their family. Your husband sounds like he is in significant emotional distress and is externalising blame. Its really hard at this stage, its great he is help seeking but it sounds like even that is stressing him out. I would definitely recommend going to see someone together so you can understand more about whats happening for him and also show your support. Equally a third party can help set some boundaries around whats okay and not during this time.

my husband got very unwell. So irritable and angry and I was in despair. He ended up going into a clinic and was a shell of himself for a while there. Kids and jobs and household pressures are too much when you are very depressed. I learnt to see when my husband was getting frazzled and we put a plan in place that he just takes off to his mancave or walks the dog or hits the gym to relax. Its hard and it takes time but for us the way forward was as a team against the depression. I feel bad in retrospect about how much pressure he was under, his body is deteriorating from his early years of manual work, he was in an extremely high stress job that he hated, he had 2 young boys to parent and support, he has his own issues to do with his father and generally low esteem and social anxiety to start with.

I wish you the very best and hope your husband can open up and get the help he needs. In the meantime you have to be selfish and do things just for you that you enjoy during this stressful time. Head out with the kids, spend time with family, get a great dvd, run a bubble bath, head to the beach, whatever you enjoy and relaxes you. Very best wishes.

[McSunny]

Thank you Paul, it's great to hear from someone who has experienced the other side and can provide a balanced view. It's good to hear you think it should be more often. I said to hubby yday that I still feel he has his head in the sand and is avoiding treatment. He said he feels a lot of shame and failure and loss of control. I'm going to try encourage him to go more often see how we go. Thanks

[McSunny]

Thank you Geoff for the Headspace and Reachout info I will certainly look into that. I have also just made an appointment with a psychologist for myself to discuss and see what they recommend and also hopefully help me with ways to approach hubby about things. I feel like I need to be protecting the kids more they are saying they are scared of dad and avoid him. That's not good. But I also know if hubby feels like I'm disagreeing with him that won't go down well! Thank you for posting I really appreciate it.

[geoff]

hi McSunny, yes it is a fine balance but the help and assistance you give to your kids can be done away from where your husband is, but I do understand about whether your husband feels as though you aren't trying to help him but the psychologist would be able to guide you through this.
With regards to myself I didn't care if my ex took our two sons away because I only wanted to be alone, possibility because I wasn't getting much help after awhile. Geoff. x

[Winterfell]

Hi Sunny

I see in your responses your husband has said he feels shame and failure and loss of control. This is really very important that he gets help and support, my husband had those sorts of feelings which then spiralled into thoughts of harming himself.

You can do small things for him now like praise and encourage the help seeking. I bought my husband a card which was about things being tough but belief we could get through things together and people caring about him etc etc. I underlined all the bits that were really important and wrote that I loved him and was proud of how hard he was fighting. I noticed that he keeps it in his bedside drawer and every now and then its on his bedside table so he must get it out and re-read it periodically.

With the kids I would get them out and about, for the worst part of my husbands illness he was an inpatient which was actually such a relief even though I was single parenting. Prior to that I would just clear out for the day so everyone had space. We would get out early, head to the shops, visit a friend, have a play, go to a movie, hit a museum, have lunch, hang out at my mums house and then go back home mid-afternoon. I also had them watch a you tube reading of the colour thief - a book about depression and we talked about the depression being like characters from the inside out movie mad-sad etc. With my hubby the anger was part of a subtreated depression and chronic lack of sleep and he needed a really good psychiatrist to sort things out and quite a few different medication combinations etc. Can your GP refer your hubby for a psychiatrist consult? I wish my hubby had seen a specialist earlier - 2 years of GP treatment and psychology just wasn't enough

Good luck Sunny, I hope you get a break soon and some time to enjoy just you and the kids