A Very New Relationship with Someone with Depression & Anxiety

[Asha89]

Hi,

I recently started seeing this amazing guy. We had a connection that was unlike anything i had ever experienced. I fell hard, fast (which is so unlike me!) & he seemed to as well. Telling me he loved me after having only seen each other a handful of times. He has Depression & Anxiety & i suffer from Anxiety so this scared both of us as we haven't had the best experiences in the past.

He has a lot going on in his life right now. I mean A LOT! I feel that us falling for each other as fast as we did brought up a lot of unresolved issues with his past & some of his present. He became distant and told me last week he had made an attempt on his life. He said he had distanced himself because he didn't want to burden me with his stuff. He said he needed some time to think and try to sort himself out.

He's been through this before & i know he see's a counsellor. I trust him to take care of himself & i trust him to know what is right for him.

My issue is that i don't know how to help. I told him i understand that he can't be in a relationship right now but that i wasn't going any where and that i would be here as a friend if he decided he needed me. I said i would touch base every now & then & that i was here anytime he wanted to reach out. I told him that if he didn't want me in his life or didn't want me to reach out to just tell me and i would respect that.

The standard response has been that he isn't done, he doesn't know what he wants & that he's confused. He feels worthless right now & angry & just broken. He hasn't said that he wants me to keep reaching out or that he doesn't. He hasn't told me how he needs me to be with him through all this. I haven't heard anything at all from him for the past week.

Do i keep trying to reach out & trust that no response means he wants me here but isn't ready to reach out yet? That he just needs time? Do people with depression tell you when they don't want you around? Or do i take his silence as him not wanting me in his life? Feeling that i may have been the straw that broke the camels back am i just making things worse for him by telling him that i'm here, that i'm thinking about him, that i'm grateful for the amazing man i know he is under this. Is this just putting pressure on him?

I fully believe that people with Anxiety & Depression can get through anything with communication & treatment of course. But how do i know what's best when he doesn't want to or isn't able to communicate with me?

[blondguy]

Hello Asha89

Welcome and Good on You for posting too!

Being in a relationship (especially new) can be a long reach for your partner as he appears to be in a dark place right now. So, his focus in inward as the depression does effect our concentration levels and ability to positive on a consistent level.

I have had anxiety and then depression for many years and do understand where you are coming from.

Letting him know that you are there for him is a great help Asha. Depression doesnt effect our ability to communicate though. Him letting you know that he made an attempt on his life last week is a huge reach out for TLC and some understanding.

You are a well articulated and intelligent person Asha. The path to improve the communication here is for him to be getting very regular counseling...as in weekly or fortnightly at a minimum.

Can I ask you if he is taking any meds for his condition?, and if he is working at the moment?

Just from my viewpoint I think that giving him some space may be the best course of action right now but if he has the cognitive ability to hold down a job he should be able to communicate more effectively with you.

Depression can be an awfully lonely illness to have. I would be leaning towards accepting any encouragement and assistance I could get from a partner/friend.

Interesting post Asha

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you. If you have any questions at all I do hope you can post back. I hope your anxiety is at a low level too Asha.

(If you scroll down the page you will see "Supporting Someone" with depression & anxiety..always some great info in there too)

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[geoff]

dear Asha, this can be a difficult situation both for you and for friend as basically either of you don't know what is the best approach, or rather is there a good approach to this situation, well amybe there is, but it's one that has to taken very slowly, only because if you decide to force any issue, it could back fire on either of you.
He obviously has a soft spot for you when he says 'he loves you' only after seeing each other a few times, so he wanted to attach himself to you, after going through depression and anxiety.
At the moment I feel as though he does feel guilty about attempting his life, and even by you trying to make contact with him is not because he doesn't want to see you, he feels ashamed of what he has tried to do without asking you to help him.
By him being silent doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to see you, it's his guilt that is keeping him away from you, and how often this can happen, so the question is whether you want to be with him through this process, which I believe you do, but you have to understand that this won't be the first time this will happen, it will be ongoing until he finally receives the help he needs.
So just a couple of questions and only answerif you want to: is he happy with this counsellor and is he on any medication. Geoff. x

[Asha89]

Hi Paul,

Thank you so much for your response.

So in relation to him telling me that he made an attempt on his life. I thought this was huge and potentially a step forward. I told him I was here for him, that I was grateful he told me, that I was glad he didn't succeed and that I wanted to see him get through this. He told me he was sorry for putting me through all of this. He kept saying that he still wasn't sure that he wanted to fight anymore which scared me. I told him the following day that I was scared and I didn't want him to leave this life. He told me that I needed to calm down & that he would talk to me soon. I haven't heard from him since. I didn't reach out again until almost a week later because i'm so worried that i'm being more of a nuisance than a support. Anxiety being what I call that 'b***h voice' in my head. I just don't know what the right thing to do is...

He was seeing a counsellor once a week prior to his change in behaviour. I'm not sure about medication though.

He holds down 2 jobs and is very intelligent. 1 job is his own business.

Communication... via text - which is the only way he's communicating at the moment - has always been limited. He always liked hearing from me but hated phone calls and texts. Get him face to face with me & he would talk my ear off about everything. He refuses to come see me or allow me to come see him though. He just kept saying soon. He told me once before that he didn't like to come see me unless he was in a good place because he didn't want to burden me with his negative mood.

I want to be here for him and i'm more than happy to give him all the time he needs. I know depressive states can last months at times and that's with treatment. I'm happy to focus on me while he helps himself and be around if needed. My issue is that our relationship was so new so i'm not secure in the knowledge of if it would be better to stick this out with him or to just let him go. He's never at any stage told me he wants me to go but he hasn't said he wants me to stay either. 'I don't know' is the standard response... I want to do what's best for him but how do I know what that is when he wont tell me? Or maybe he just doesn't know. It sounds as though everyone has always walked away from him and never stood by him so I think he doesn't know how to ask me to stay. How does he do that when he's been nothing but a 'burden' to those who have loved him?

[Asha89]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your response also.

I'm definitely happy to do whatever may be needed for him. I'm happy to take it slow. I'm in no rush in this life and I think the connection I found with him is worth it if it's real for him too.

I understand that this will be an ongoing thing that he will struggle with at times possibly throughout his hole life. Having suffered from Anxiety for 10 years I know it can rear it's ugly head at any moment. I'm completely ok with that as long as it's always approached with love and compassion.

Prior to his behaviour changing he was seeing a counsellor once a week & he mentioned that he'd been seeing Dr's after his attempt but I don't know what his actions have been for the last week. I also don't know if he is on medication. When he first talked about his depression he made it seem like it was more in hand so I didn't really question him too much. I know it can be a delicate topic for a lot of people & I wanted him to open up in his own time. Little did I know he would be struggling with it in such a massive way so soon in our relationship.

Should I just let him know i'm here and then cut all communication until he is ready to reach out. Or do I keep reaching out every now and then to let him know he's in my thoughts, I tell him funny little stories because I don't want him to think that our hole relationship has to be about his depression now. Should I tell him that i'm trying to learn as much as I can because I want to be here for the long haul or does all of this just put added pressure on someone suffering from this?

[blondguy]

Hi Asha, thankyou for posting back......The forums are non judgemental and rock solid secure...

If I may quote you: "He told me he was sorry for putting me through all of this. He kept
saying that he still wasn't sure that he wanted to fight anymore which
scared me. I told him the following day that I was scared and I didn't
want him to leave this life. He told me that I needed to calm down &
that he would talk to me soon......"

This isnt atypical of a person with a depressive illness.........not to make contact again....after saying what he did

He has his own business and a another job as well. This is one strong guy Asha......

In a nutshell....having depression would not result in sms only communication...As a sufferer of depression (and many like myself) I would welcome any support I was offered....especially from someone that really cared about me.......

This is also perplexing (for me) "He always liked hearing from me but hated phone calls and texts. Get him
face to face with me & he would talk my ear off about everything.
He refuses to come see me or allow me to come see him though. He just kept saying soon.

I know you wont like this Asha, can I ask you who he lives with?...and if you have ever been to his place? Please forgive me for the questions.....just trying (awkwardly) to help....To prevent you from seeing him when you care so much is a huge red flag.....

Paul x