Supporting ourselves whilst supporting our partners through depression

[Los]

Hi all. It has taken me a long time to actually join and write a post. I have been in a second marraige for 7 years... And finally moved out about 15 months ago, with a consensual view to work together to make things work. Yes, it takes 2 to make and break.. And I have said some awful things I have regretted. I have however been true to my vows.

My husband has had a number of affairs during our marraige. He won't talk about them as he states he was 'in a dark place'. Just by acknowledging, he feels I should move on and support him... As he now states he has depression and has not managed for 11 years. I found out 2 days before Xmas that he has had another relationship...  Found this out about 1/2 an hour before we left for a family vacation with his children. Once again, it has been turned around that I am being unsupportive and being focussed on me... And my hurt ( which is true.. But of course I want to support him, just not sure I'm happy to again accept that this breach of trust is because ' he is in a dark space')

 Anyone out there got some advice in the best way for me to move away from my hurt, into a supportive space? ( and no... I'm not a doormat... I love my husband)

[Frann]

You are in a supportive place here Los. We care about you. You will get through this because you are strong. Your husband loves you but somehow lost his way. 

Stay in touch- we need you . 

Frann x

[Doolhof]

Hi Los,

I'm not sure that I can be as gracious towards your husband's ways as Frann is in her comment. As you do still love your husband so much, I do hope you are able to work things out between the two of you.

I have personally suffered depression for decades and there have been many times when I have thought that a relationship with a guy other than my husband would be the solution. Yes I have been ever so tempted, but in the long wrong who would benefit from that?

I'm really sad that your husband's mental health issues has him thinking that having affairs is what he needs to make things right. Maybe I am just a bit old fashioned here. Being in a Dark Place does not give people a right to use and abuse others  and to consider extra marital relationships are fine.

I feel you need to find the help and support you require to build up your strength and well being. You need to set some boundaries and work out what you are going to continue to accept.

Where do you want to be in your relationship next week, next month, next year? Where do you want to be as a person, as you? What changes do you want to make? Find things that you enjoy doing and set your mind on those. Live for yourself for a while, but don't do anything you might regret later on!

I hope you are able to find a balance.

How would your husband feel if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak? If you were to tell him you were having affairs and he over reacted, then you told him you were in a dark place, would he accept your behaviour?

 From Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Los, welcome to BB and I am so pleased that you have posted this difficult comment on the site, where there will be different comments, some saying yes go or some saying no.

I think that you have answered your own question 'not sure I'm happy to again accept that this breach of trust', because personally I wouldn't trust him one bit, and I wonder how many times he has done it, or got away with other affairs that you don't know about.

For me the answer is simple, now that you have moved out, presumably his affairs were an enormous issue here, where now he has taken advantage of the situation, in that he had no one to answer to, because you weren't there to monitor his actions, so he has done exactly what he wanted to do.

Love has many different connotations, I am divorced but I still love my ex, as she does for me, and I also put the initial L after each and every female comment here on this site, meaning that I simply LOVE those people who respond, it's my way of a gesture to support them.

I then appreciate that when you say you love him, I'm sure you do, no question about it, but you won't stand for his infidelity.

Any excuse can be made, ranging from white ones to extreme ones, and whether or not he is suffering from depression only you can make a judgement on this.

As Mrs. Dools said would he tolerate it if it was you having these affairs, I would think not, and remember he could have caused break-ups in marriages/relationships with all the other ladies, so he has done quite a bit of damage. L Geoff. x

[Los]

Thankyou Frann...  I'm going to keep checking in as at this time of year it is very isolating.

[Los]

Wanting to reach out and hug you right now. thank you.. It is really hard to keep a focus on my own boundaries right now, and that is exactly what I need to do. X

[Los]

Thank you so much Geoff for a male perspective here. I will be sorting through a lot of the resources on this site... but realise that depression is not an excuse.. I know this in my bones!

With Love and respect

Lauren

[Doolhof]

Dear Lauren,

Hi. I hope you have been able to find some time to stop and think about your life and where you want to go in the future. The questions I asked you are the same ones I am asking myself, and I still haven't found the answers. It all takes time and a lot of energy! Ha. Ha.

Please do work on your boundaries, and better still, work on making your life how you want it to be.

If you want to stay friends with your husband still, then work on that. Hatred, bitterness, jealousy and anger can be very draining and debilitation. If you can accept a relationship where your husband has affairs then that is up to you of course, but I seem to think he won't be changing his habits any time soon.

The main thing is to not feel guilty, concerned, or unsupportive if you don't like his actions. You have every right in  the world to tell this guy you are extremely upset with his behaviour and he has to wear the consequences, not you!

Today is a new day. I can have a positive feel for this day, as can you. We can both think about the negatives, or let those thoughts go and enjoy what today has to offer.

Here in S.A. it is going to be a scorcher so I am not looking forward to that much! One good thing, it will be far too hot to do anything outside so I can get out some craft work and enjoy that this afternoon and in the evening.

Wishing you a day of positive thoughts, of personal strength and the wisdom to consider how you wish your life to be in the future.

Take care, from Mrs. Dools