Looking for advice from anyone who has been harassed by someone with depression

[Naihma]

I dated someone 18 months ago briefly for around 3 months. Things didn’t work out (at the time we agreed it was mutual) and I went overseas for a few months. Whilst away and when I returned, he would send numerous texts to me saying that he was in love with me, etc. I made it clear that I didn’t feel the same but again said I was happy to be friends as he was going through a tough time. When it became clear that he did not really want to be friends I tried to cut that off too. I saw him a few times over the next 6 months, for coffee and a chat when he said he was desperate for someone to talk to. Things became worse about 4 months ago, when he started texting me several times a day. I asked him to stop and let him know that I wasn’t in a position to help, but he continued texting me constantly.

I did not hear from him for about a month, and then one day the texts started again. I responded once saying I was glad he was well, etc. Since then it has been non-stop. I have not replied to any of the messages, but on average I’ve received about 20 a week for the past month. The messages have ranged from texts to voicemails, and have included accusations about me being a horrible person, and are nasty and violent toned, with occasional apologies afterwards. He implies that it is my responsibility to help him, that I'm the only person he can talk to, and if I don't it will be on my conscience. The most recent (today) are saying that he doesn’t want to continue in life.  

This situation has impacted my life greatly and I am fearful that he will turn up at my work or home, which is why I cut off contact. I do not wish to be a terrible person and of course wish for him to be able to manage his depression, but for my own sanity I feel that I cannot be part of that and I am genuinely scared to be around him.

I have sent a text in response suggesting he talk to his family (who I don’t believe know everything) and sent him the number for lifeline. I honestly do not know what else to do whilst keeping my distance. Any advice from anyone who has experienced this would be appreciated.

[cookyboy12]

I'm a depression survivor, and in the past year I've been taxed emotionally by a cousin who was like a brother, who refused psychological help.  I played my part in allowing co-dependency to develop - to the point where I neglected hubby and daughters emotionally and nearly lost my marriage.  I also ended up in hospital.  And hard as it is I've had to cut ties from cuz to save my marriage/family.

It sounds like you've done well.  If I had my time over again this is what I'd do.  First of If he's threatening self-harm txt him that you'll be ringing 000 (police can locate mobiles) if he doesn't stop, and follow through if he keeps going.

Tell him that 1. he's responsible to seek a psychiatrist **and** psychologist, 2. not contact you until he gets this help, 3. reiterate that he has family to help him and 4. if he doesn't stop that you'll call the police (keep yours and his texts on your phone as evidence).

If you feel comfortable and know his family well enough, inform them that you're concerned about him because of what he's doing - stick to facts, not what you feel.  He may hate you but so be it (I did this with cuz and don't regret it one bit because his mum thought he was doing 'wonderfully').  And then block his number from your phone.  If he starts turning up at work/home then this is serious and requires urgent police intervention (it didn't come to this for me).

This may sound harsh but I wish I didn't 'overhelp' my cousin.  I wish I had the guts to tell him to not contact me until he saw a psychologist (in addition to his psychiatrist), because I'm sure that if I did 2014 would've been a much better year and fate wouldn't have twisted my arm into forced estrangement (I can't even contact my cuz because of everything).  So please heed this advice.

You have the right to look after yourself and be comfortable in going about your daily life without your heart skipping a beat every time your phone rings or gets a txt.  To some this may sound selfish, but if you don't then you can't help him, let alone yourself.  Go for walks, read a book, catch up with someone you haven't spoken to in ages.  You won't regret it.

[For_me]

I strongly advise that you tell his parents everything because if they are in the dark they cannot help him get the right treatment.

[Beltane]

please know that depression and abuse are too very different things. people with depression arent insane- we can suffer immensely while in a depressive phase but we are capable of controlling ourselves; and others should expect us to adhere to rules, appropriate behaviour etc. i've had bipolar 2, depression and anxiety for 10 years and i've certainly never threatened or harassed anyone: and i've been in great suffering. but i can still control my behaviour!!

this guy may very well have depression, and no doubt it is adding to his behaviour. but on top of that i'd say that main concern is he is being ABUSIVE. whether hes being abusive cos of a horrible background, or mental illness, or blah blah blah is NOT your problem- whatever the cause, the result is the same- YOU are on the other end copping his abuse!

please know that you are NOT responsible for his behaviour, his health, or his life. I know you feel terribly guilty because as a kind human being you fear him doing something stupid and then you'll feel guilty- you think if you cut him off he'll hurt himself! NO- he can call lifeline, beyond blue, 000, he can go to family, friends, GP- anyone. but has has chosen to harass, intimidate and threaten you (which IS ABUSE) even though your relationship with him is very much over! (18 months!! come on!!)

save all the messages and voicemails/ recorded messages you get on your phone and go into the local police. show them the texts (if you have already deleted them, tell them what is going on. They can place a restraining order against him (yes he is being abusive enough) and they can also ensure he gets proper help- they can organise doctors, psychologists, hospitals. they can take him to hospital if he is a risk to himself. you'd be doing him a favour by getting cops involved- because they will MAKE him get that mental health care.

go to the cops asap at least for advice- you dont  have to ask for a restraining order if you dont want- but you can ALWAYS ask advice what to do. they can give you safety advice on how to look after yourself, and what to do about this guy. at least give your local station a call (so google the local station's number, not the 000 number) and ask them- i've done this and they gave me amazing advice on what to do about an abusive ex. (yes i've been there- i understand your pain and fear!)

[Ava_29]

If he’s suicidal, call the police straight away to have them assist him. Give them his address and explain that you are fearful of him and he’s harassing you. If he shows up at your house or work, call the police straight away.

Depression causes irrational thinking. Your situation is common among men who don't have support networks or are too ashamed to tell their family or friends. They desperately reach out to the wrong people.

When we are the subject of it and it’s continual, it has very negative impacts on us. This behaviour is harassment and is not acceptable. He may be suffering but it’s not your responsibility to solve his problems. Sometimes when people are in this state, they don’t realise the pain that they’re causing others with their excessive texts/voicemails etc. Remember his bad behaviour is a result of his depression and not necessarily intentional.

Harassment can usually be ignored and it goes away. However it’s clear this person is unwell and needs help and to realise the effect their behaviour is having because ignoring is not working and may unfortunately be making things worse.

Your wellbeing is the number one priority. My advice is to write him a letter or email. You need to be clear with him once and for all. You don’t need to engage in a dialogue with him right now because he won’t be thinking rationally. Just send a clear letter and leave it. It should be enough for him to get the help he needs and to put a stop to the harassment.

The letter should:

• Acknowledge he is depressed and you understand that he is feeling sadness, despair etc.
• Describe the effect his behaviour is having on you. He needs to understand this.
• Say his behaviour is not acceptable and needs to stop.
• Say you want him to manage his depression but you are not in a position to help him.
• Encourage him to seek help. That he must see his GP and request a 'Mental Health Plan' (where he will be treated by a clinical psychologist.)
• Be clear that you’re not going to respond to any contact until he does this.
• Tell him you’re very serious and will contact the police if there’s  any more harassment. You must follow through with this if required.

He may be sad he's lost you as friend but you need to tell him you are unable to be friends unless and until he gets help.  

I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted. We're here to help you.